Letting me know all they’ll be are memories.
Just that.
Suppressing what I feel, I head back up to my room and spend the rest of the week in bed.
April 7th
I stall inside the restroom, not wanting to go to the class he and I have together. I skipped last week because I couldn’t bring myself to see him, but I couldn’t today.
I want to say it’s because I’m so close to being done with classes, but I’d be lying. I just want to see him. Something is wrong with me because I know seeing him will hurt, but I need to anyway. Just one more time. That’s all I want.
I don’t know what I’ll do once I do. I want to believe I’ll keep it cool and not succumb to the emotions I keep suppressing. My brain keeps sending these signals to let it all out, but I don’t need to do that. The last time I did, I almost ended it all.
I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to be sad. I can’t let myself spiral. I just can’t.
Pushing all my thoughts away, I head to the classroom. When I step inside, my chest clenches when I look at the table we sit at. He’s not there yet, but the memories are.
“Josefine.” Professor Carleson waves me over the podium where he stands.
“Hey.”
“Hey, I just wanted to let you know Daniel won’t be joining us anymore due to his baseball commitments.” Everything in me sinks. “But don’t fret. You can join Maddy and Annie.”
He points to the girls sitting in the second row, and they’re looking at me with friendly smiles on their faces. Mine resembles something like it, I think. I’m not sure. I can’t make myself care what’s on my face when the inside of my body is shattering.
April 9th
The endless loop has returned. I don’t know how to get out of it, and it’s driving me crazy. I’m stuck between screaming, crying, or doing nothing. I don’t know how to snap out of it. I don’t know how to be without him.
I can’t even be in my own house anymore because it all smells like him—my room, the living room, the kitchen. There are little reminders of him every-fucking-where. From the gift bag still sitting in the living room, the flowers that are now dead, the bear he gave me, the ball he wrote on, the stupid jerseys, the goggles and board, the portable CD player with the disc. I never finished listening to the songs and I know I never will. The Post-it notes… I have so many, and I know there’s more in the house, but I won’t look for them.
I need to sell the house. Have someone move everything for me. I can’t be there anymore.
That’s why I’m here on campus. There’s a possibility I could run into him but it’s slim. I’m staying away from all the buildings he has classes in, away from the areas his teammates usually are. His friends probably hate me, the same way Bryson’s friend hated me after I broke up with him.
Unlike Bryson’s friend who I didn’t care for, Daniel’s were different and knowing that’s gone too, fuck, why do I even care? I’m used to being alone.
I’m fine alone.
I repeat that over and over, but when I set foot in the library, the thought dies when I spot Penelope. I haven’t heard from her since the night Daniel got drunk.
I don’t have to wonder how things will be like between us because she turns, stares directly at me, rolls her eyes, and focuses back on her friends.
Right. I saw that coming. After all, they’re siblings. I know how much she cares for him.
I thought I could hide what I felt to make you happy.
I…I’m fine…alone.
April 10th
Sometimes…I wish I was dead.
His resigned words ring in my ears, repeatedly and scarily, until they’ve seeped in the crevices of my brain, branding themselves with a burn so deep, I feel them sear into my veins.
How did I miss the signs?
I swim faster, overexerting myself. My body begs for me to stop but I keep going. I ignore my lungs and how they pump excessively to keep up.
