“I’m going to be fine. I just need to be alone.”
“You keep saying that. You don’t need to be alone. You need?—”
“I need Adrian, but he’s dead. I needher, but she left me. That’s all I fucking need, and I can’t have either. So just leave me alone, that’s all I’m asking. Just fucking listen! I want to be alone! Ineedto be alone!”
I hear her cry behind me, but she doesn’t move her arm. “Whatever. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for whenever you’re ready to talk.”
I want to ask abouther, but I don’t want to find out what she thinks about me and how fucked up my head is.
“I’m here for you.”
April 14th
“I think I made a mistake. I should’ve gone to NCU.” Gray stumbles into my room. “Let me tell you, the girls there are hella fine, all of them. Oh, guess what,” he animatedly says as he plops down on my bed. “I met Julianna and, unfortunately, Landon. I swear he could be a serial killer. He has this vibe—anyway, she’s just as hot as the pictures, and her friends?” He hums in approval. “Yeah, I definitely came to the wrong school. If it hadn’t been for my parents, I’d be there, but you know…I’m glad I didn’t go there. I’m happy I came here. I’m glad there was a mix-up and I moved in here with you guys.”
I draw out a fatigued breath, wishing he’d stop talking, wishing he and everyone else would leave me alone. But as much as I want to yell that, I don’t, I can’t. I stay hidden underneath my comforter, masking it all with a, “hmm,” to let him know I’m still breathing, that I’m hearing what he’s saying although I physically can’t grasp anything.
“I know you’re lost in your head right now. I know it feels like a fucking maze and it’s dark too, but you’ll get out. You’ll find the exit. I promise you will. You just need to keep going. Follow the damn light, Daniel. We’ll be at the end waiting for you. Love you, man. We’re here for you.”
April 16th
“I don’t have words or really anything to make you feel better. I just want you to know that I’m here. We all are.” Noah’s voice and his words continue to drone into my head until I close my eyes and fall asleep again.
April 17th
“Daniel?”
My eyes pop open but I go stock-still at the familiar voice. I want to move, to do something other than lie here, but I can’t. I’m afraid to hear the disappointment in his voice, to see it on his face too.
I wish he wasn’t here. I hope Mom isn’t either. I didn’t want them to worry. They texted and asked why I haven’t played. I told them I strained something; that’s what Coach told everyone else too.
“Daniel, mijo.”
I stay hidden inside the dark corner in my head, hoping this is all a dream or a figment of my imagination. But it’s not. I feel the weight of his body on my bed and the heat of his tentative palm on my back over the blanket.
“I’m sorry.” His voice sounds frail and cracked. “Penelope called and…” He releases a broken breath. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
My body painfully seizes at his agonizing words. “It’s not your fault. I just want to be alone.”
“No, you don’t need to be alone. I’m sorry if you…” He clears his throat. “You couldn’t talk to me or your mom. I had no idea. I didn’t know how to talk to you and?—”
“No te preocupes.I’m fine. I’m seeing a therapist and?—”
“You are not?—”
I shove everything off me and sit up, shoving his hand away. The sorrow on his face makes everything inside me crumble. I hate that even though it’s been five years since Adrian, I’m still causing him pain, thatI’mthe reason for it. The burden of knowing I’m hurting him burns me alive. I don’t know how not to do that.
“You shouldn’t have come! I’m fine! I’m fine! I’m—” My breath catches and tears blur my vision. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to worry you. I didn’t want to—” I suffocate on a breath and try to fight back the sob that rips out of my throat.
He wraps his arms around me in a crushing hold, shaking his head, repeating, “Don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry. I should’ve talked to you sooner. I’m sorry I failed you.Perdoname, Daniel.”
“It was my fault.” I bury my face against his chest, hating that the tears won’t stop falling out. “I shouldn’t have let him go. I’m sorry.” I let him hold me instead of pushing away, knowing I don’t have the strength in me to fight anymore.
Sobs wrack my body, making it shake uncontrollably against his, but he doesn’t pull away. He holds me like he did when I was a kid, when I’d get hurt or he hugged me just because, and for some reason, that makes me cry more.
I don’t know how long he holds me for, but it’s not until I’m hiccupping and breathing out harshly that I genuinely feel a tiny morsel of myself again.
He rubs my back, his chin resting on my head, as he whispers words that I don’t make out until my breathing evens out.
