She let go of me and it was all I could do to hold her incredulous look.
“You haven’t been withanyonesince we broke up?”
I toed the concrete. “No. I mean . . . I wanted to. Really wanted to, actually. But I don’t like that kind of sex.”
“So then . . . if you were willing to kiss him and have sex with him, then you must also be in a real twist about what it’s like to fall for a guy.”
Yep. Right into my goddamned soul.
“Of course I’m in a fucking twist about that!”
She thinned her lips, and I cursed under my breath.
“I don’t even know what my life would look like with another man in it, Cyn. I mean, am I gay now? Look at me.” I gestured to myself. “I’d get laughed right out of a gay bar.”
She clamped a hand over her mouth, her eyes glittering with amusement.
“Don’t you go makin’ fun of me.”
“I won’t. Promise. I’m just . . . the gays love their cowboys. C’mon. There’s a whole Willie Nelson song about it and everything.”
“There is?”
“Yeah. I’ll send you the link.”
“And you think those fellas wouldn’t assume I’m there to commit a hate crime?”
“They might test you out to make sure, but no. Besides? Don’t you know, like, I dunno, half a dozen queer cowboys out here? Why would you be any different?”
“More like a full dozen,” I answered, laughing to myself.
“Then you know it’s not unusual. That you’re not a freak. That it’s not ridiculous for a guy with your background to fall for a man. It happensall the time. This place is lousy with folks who are anything but straight.”
“You’re not wrong.”
“Damn right I’m not wrong. But, since you already know the score, what are you really worried about?”
And didn’t that question get right to the heart of the matter?
“What if it doesn’t work out with me and Skylar?” I blurted out. “Are all my friends going to think I was just . . .? I don’t know what to call it.”
“Going on a trial run?”
“Yeah. Like I’m not taking it seriously.”
“Christopher.” She put her hand on her hip and pursed her lips. “Anyone who knows you for more than five minutes knows you’re not the kind of guy to go playing with somebody’s heart out of curiosity.”
I guess the one thing that was good about her knowing me so well was that she could remind me who I was. Inside.
“Kit, let me ask you this. Are you scared?”
I nodded, feeling the tears build up behind my eyes again. “Terrified.”
“What’s the element of this that terrifies you the most?”
“Well, I guess it’s kinda already happened—that someone would find out before I was ready to talk about it. I can’t even put the words together yet, and I don’t want somebody asking me questions when I don’t even know the answers myself.”
“I see,” she said, encouraging me to continue.
