Understand, I’m just jealous that I won’t be there. When we were young and beautiful, there was nothing I enjoyed more than watching another man pleasure you. So, while I don’t believe in an afterlife, just know that if I’m wrong, I’ll be watching.
Major turned to me. “This is why you said that we were basically in a polyamorous relationship.”
“Yes. Except that one of us is dead.”
Holden moaned into Beckett’s shoulder. “I’m going to need so much therapy after this.”
“I warned you,” I told him.
“Can’t believe I’m signing up for this family,” Major muttered, then picked up where he left off.
—You may need a few months after that to adjust. I know you. You’ll want to cocoon yourself and work through the guilt of enjoying another person’s body. Just know that guilt is such a wasted emotion.
Major stopped to give me a look as he pointed out that particular gem.
I shrugged. “What can I say? Robert knew me very, very well.”
Shaking his head, Major kept reading.
Again, I insist that you enjoy it slightly less than being with me, but without guilt. However, you cannot stay in that state forever. In time, you must allow yourself to be loved, and to love in return. Don’t wait. Don’t lose years of your life. Grieve your great and wonderful husband, but work quickly to find the love of the second half of your life. Nothing less, because that would be a terrible waste of your ass and your heart. Don’t shame me by investing in some sort of half relationship.
So, Ren, light of my life, you must love. Love fully. For me.
“Goddammit.” Major wiped away the tear falling down his cheek. “He was a good man.”
“That he was, my love. That he was.”
Of course, I expect you to speak of me often. Try not to make them feel bad about the fact that I was by all measures the better lover and better husband. Second best to me is still pretty damn good.
Major touched the pages to his forehead, laughing in that deep, joyful way of his. “Fucking Robert Paige.”
“You should’ve tried living with him,” I said, a fond smile tugging at my lips. “He was impossible.”
I may have madeimpossiblesound likeperfect. Both were true.
Before continuing, Major said to Holden, “Your Pops was right. I’m not trying to take his place. But I love your Dad, and I want to be this person Robert talked about. I want to be lucky enough to have him in my life.” He turned to me. “Forever.”
Holden’s eyes reddened all over again, but he gestured for Major to move along. “Keep reading.”
My dearest Ren, the fact that our time together has been cut short is my greatest regret. Genuinely. I’m angry that I won’t be spending the rest of your life with you, the man who has always been my rock. My steady. I know that you’ll do what is necessary to find love and to enjoy life again. As much as it sucks to be the one dying, it can be no picnic to be the one who survives. But that’s only true if you let it be. And I can think of nothing more awful than living half a life. So I must insist that you find joy and love. I insist it with all of my heart.
Yours always, Robert.
Major let out a long breath and wiped away another tear before carefully folding the papers and handing them back to me.
“He’s right,” Holden said softly. “Life is too precious to stop loving at the midway point. He was being funny, but…”
“It was the kind of funny he was when he was brokenhearted,” I said, the words catching in my throat. “He wanted so much to live, but if he couldn’t…”
“…then he wanted us to live for him,” Holden said. He paused for a moment. “I promise, I’m not upset. I just needed a second. Of course I want you to love again, Dad. Of course I do. I mean, I told you that months ago. And I can’t imagine anyone more worthy of you.”
I stood, and so did Holden, and we met in the middle, holding each other, letting the emotions wash over us.
After a moment, something like recognition lit his eyes. “Major isyoursteady, Dad. Just like you were for Pops.”
I hadn’t really considered it that way, but Holden was right. “Yes,” I said, nodding. “When the world starts tilting in all the wrong directions, Major is the stable ground under my feet.”
“You deserve that, Dad. After everything, you deserve it.”
