“Well, yesterday, when you were defending yourself, how did that feel?”
I bite my lip, thinking it over. “I wasn’t afraid. I’m never afraid in those situations.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“Because I was defending myself and my family. That made the decision pretty damn easy for me.”
“But it’s not so easy when you’re proactively going after someone who harmed you?” she asks.
I shake my head, leaning against Sparkle’s neck.
“What was hard about that?”
I let out a long breath. “I thought it would be some sort ofdish best served coldsituation. I thought I had moved on enough from what they did to me that I could kill them… What’s the word that means, like, without feeling it?”
“Dispassionately?”
“Exactly. I thought I could be cold about it, but I wasn’t. I was the furthest thing from it.”
“What was happening inside when you were confronting them?”
“I was remembering everything they did and how it felt. Which was somehow worse because I was a lot more numb back then.”
She nods. “Now that you’re protected, surrounded by support, you’re safe enough to feel all the things you weren’t safe enough to feel back then.”
“Well, who made that fucking rule?” I ask, kicking a bit of dirt.
“It sucks. There is no other way to put it.” She looks me over, considering. “You seem disappointed in yourself for having these emotions.”
“I’m telling you I wanted to be like Hopper. He doesn’t feel anything when he kills people.”
Hedy shakes her head. “That’s not true. Hopper and Anders have given me permission to share some limited things from our sessions, and I can tell you that Hop feels intense joy when he kills. Especially if it’s a very, very bad person. However, the guy who did the worst things to him? Hopper didn’t take him down.”
I nod. “That’s true. Liam did. Hopper was only there at the end, but the guy started saying his name, and I know that’s bad because Hop has never once told me what his given name is.”
“That’s true. It disturbs him. After the guy said his name, Hop called me.”
“Really? So hedidfeel something.”
“Very deeply.”
I shake my head.
“What’s this? Why are you shaking your head?”
“Something tells me it wasn’t just that I was going after the people who hurt me. It wasn’tjustthat I was reliving things. Planning and instigating the violence… In the end, I didn’t like that. I thought I would. I’d planned this down to the letter.”
“So what I’m hearing you say is to defend is one thing, but to attack is another.”
I nod, shivering. Hedy lifts her chin, questioning.
I look up for the words, petting Sparkle’s mane. “Attacking makes me feel like I’m one of them. Defending makes me feel like I’m one of you guys.”
“Makes sense. Tell me, when you see Hopper and Anders go on the attack, what do you feel about them?”
“I’ve only ever seen them kill people when they were defending us. So…I feel like I’m glad they’re on our side.”
“And you don’t judge them for the times they’ve initiated or gone on the attack.”
