I shake my head, but then again…things change. “I always thought he liked being kissed that way. Back when we were doing the friends-with-benefits thing I could never stay as long as I wanted, but I always wanted him to know he wasn’t just a hole to be used. I mean…he always whined when I stopped kissing him. I thought that meant he liked it.”
Drumming the table, Odd stops, holding up a finger. “Well, wait a sec. So back when y’all were regular fuck buddies, did you always do the collarbone kiss thing right before leaving?”
I scratch my beard, trying to remember. “Pretty much, yeah.”
“What if your favorite thing is Ronan’s least favorite thing, for the same reason?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like, what if he associates it with the fact that you’re going to nope the fuck out of there.”
I take a long draft of my beer, cursing myself. “Dammit. I wish he would’ve said something, but I guess it makes sense. He probably thinks I haven’t changed a bit.”
Rubbing my chest, I wish I could do something to stop the ache, the unwelcome visitor who has stayed for far too long.
Odd observes me for a second, then carefully selects his words. “So…things have changed for you?”
I hold back a snort.Talk about an understatement.
“Yeah,” I say softly. “They have. God, even back then I immediately regretted leaving him like that. But I couldn’t bear to deal with the reality of his emotions at the time, and I really couldn’t consider that level of commitment, so I just ghosted.”
Odd’s expression is both understanding and…almost irritated. “You do know it’s okay to not love someone back, right? That you can let them down gently, instead of leaving them holding the bag?”
I nurse another sip from my beer. “Wasn’t that I didn’t love him, man.”
Odd sits up a little straighter. “Wait. Youlovedhim and you still left?”
I nod, fighting back tears as Odd’s face goes red. He takes a big swig of beer and then lays into me.
“Sorry that you’re upset, man, but that’s fucking cowardly. I mean, who loves somebody back and is too chickenshit to say it? Do you have any idea how that makes someone feel? I’ll tell you how.It makes them feel like they’re crazy.Like they were foolish for even—” he pauses, clenching his teeth.
“I never meant to—”
He shakes his head, cutting me off. “Never mind. Just know that you fucked with his head, whether or not that was your intention. I mean, no wonder he didn’t say anything. It’s fucking painful. And if you just went and did the very thing that made him think you were going to hurt him all over again… Well, if it were me, I’d kick you out too. And I probably wouldn’t have been near as nice about it.”
Odd stares at his hands, and maybe I’m just seeing things, but his eyes look suspiciously moist.
I reach for his arm. “Odd, man. Are you okay?”
He straightens his posture, drawing his arm away from me. Taking a deep breath, he finally meets my eyes. “I will be. But you? I don’t know. Are you ever going to tell him how you felt?”
It’s my turn to stare at the cutlery. “Feel.”
Odd bangs his fist on the table, scaring the guy next to us. After sending him a quick apology, he turns to me, talking through clenched teeth. “I swear, if you let this man keep on feeling unloved, I will fucking deck you. And maybe that’s just me going through some personal shit right now, but I’ll do it.”
“Dude, I’ve got like thirty pounds of muscle on you. You would probably break your hand.”
“It’d be worth it.”
“Odd, buddy. What the hell is going on? Is it DB?”
He holds up his hand like a blade. “I am not talking about that. Right now, we’re talking about you.”
One of the things I like about Odd is he’s a straightshooter, but that means when he says a subject is over, best believe the subject is over. Still, his reaction confirms for me something I’ve known for a long time. I’m pretty sure my friend is in love with our boss, and I’m pretty sure he’s heartbroken over it.
I distract him by refocusing on my wreck of a love life. “What if he doesn’t want to hear what I have to say? What if he is justsoover me?”
Odd looks at me, his usually bright-blue eyes darkened to an almost steel gray. “If that’s the case, then he deserves to hear that he was loved. Don’t be a dick, don’t make him feel like he was crazy for having feelings for you. Because that’s really fucking shitty.”
