“Feels like it. I’m so sorry, Jakob. If I could go back I would have stopped it.”
My voice catches as I answer him, “I know. Me too.”
The rest of the night we spend in silence, just soaking in each other’s comfort. Tomorrow I have to be the oldest. I have to hold my siblings up and help my parents plan a funeral for their twenty-two year old daughter. So I’ll take tonight to be the one whose soul is crushed and needs to be held together by his partner, because tomorrow I have to slip that mask back in place and be the pillar for my family.
46
Chapter Forty-Six
Declan
Sitting beside Jakob in the large cathedral, my thumb gently rubs circles on the back of his hand in comfort. He’s been nothing short of incredible in the days that have followed Annie’s death. He holds everyone up and allows them to be emotional while he’s sensible and makes arrangements for things that his parents or other siblings can’t emotionally handle. All the while he stood unwavering in front of everyone as he made sure today would be exactly how she would have wanted. That’s such a strange phrase, isn’t it?
How she would have wanted.
She actually would have wanted to still be here. I heard someone tell Lelonie at the wake yesterday that Annie wouldn’t want her to be sad. What possesses people tosay these absolutely idiotic phrases? If the afterlife allows you to watch others live on, then I know without a shadow of doubt that Annie is watching this play out and crying too. Her family misses her just as much as I’m sure she misses them.
Jakob squeezes my hand three times as we watch while Mac stands at the introduction of the priest and makes his way to the pulpit. I watch his hands grip the sides of the wooden lectern and pump his fists three times before looking over to us and offering a sad smile.
“I was asked to speak today by Mr. and Mrs. Fischer. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is MacQuillian Byrne, and I have had the absolute pleasure of being Anneliese’s surrogate brother for the past four years. I’m engaged to her big sister, Lelonie. When I met Annie, my sweet fiance was sick and Annie was skeptical of my involvement. If we’re being honest, I think she ran me through the ringer more than Jakob or Dieter did.” He chuckles softly to himself as everyone laughs quietly.
“The first time I met her, she stood in the doorway of her sister’s apartment. All five foot five inches of her. I was in a rush to get to Lee because she wasn’t feeling well that day, but Annie didn’t care about my rush. She made sure to read me the riot act before letting me through the door. That’s who Anneliese was. The baby sister who would stand between the devil himself and her siblings with fire in her soul and steel in her spine.” He smiles fondly as he clears his throat and pushes on.
“She was the person who randomly called and checked on me in that first year of sobriety just to make sure I was taking care of myself. She would text me to check on her sisterwhen she hadn’t heard from her in a few days. She would stay the night at our place a lot of the time when we were home during her breaks from school. During those times she was my‘morning coffee date’as she loved to tell me. One thing about those Fischer women that I’ve learned is that they can and will turn everything into adate.” I wipe my eyes with my free hand while making sure to hold strong for Jakob, who’s trembling beside me with the effort it’s taking to hold it together.
“During those times we talked about everything and nothing while watching the sunrise on the back porch. She’d talk about her siblings and what they were up to. She talked a lot about her niece, Hannah, and how much she wished she could be as fierce as Hannah was destined to be. You see, that was the thing about Anneliese. She was the fiercest woman I’ve ever encountered, but she didn’t see it because along with being fierce, she was shy and a little unsure.
On our last coffee date just over a week ago, she talked about excitement for the future. She talked about becoming a doctor and helping people. She went on and on about Jakob and Dieter and how they promised to actually leave Corey Heights to come visit her in Maryland. She talked about her parents and hoping to one day find a love like they have. One that withstands the test of time, where you can be together for forty years and still act like newlyweds. She told me that she was proud to call me her brother-in-law and how she was so excited to stand beside her beautiful sister in just a couple of weeks. Anneliese also talked about a boy that she’d been putting through the ringer for years. She talked about how she knew he was the love of her life, but she was scared. It’s my impression that right before she passed, she pushedpast that fear and decided to love.” Mac wipes his tears as he pauses before finishing.
“Anneliese lived a beautiful twenty-two years. She was loved immensely, and she loved fully. If you were lucky enough to be loved by her, no matter the capacity, you were truly one of the luckiest people alive. I know if Annie were here right now, she’d be mourning with you all. Her heart would feel for every single one of you. However, she’d also remind every one of you to live life as fully as you can.”
He looks down at the now closed casket before choking up as he pushes the end of his speech past his lips.
“I’m so thankful to have been loved by you, little sister. I’ll take plenty of notes. We’ll have a lot to talk about on our next coffee date.”
With that, he abandons his spot at the pulpit and walks down the steps to stand in front of the beautiful baby pink casket. He kisses his hand before placing it on top. Mac stands there for a minute before turning and making his way back to Lelonie, who’s sobbing quietly in her seat. As soon as he sits down she clings to him.
The rest of the service and graveside portion pass in a blur. By the time we get back to the Fischer’s, their house is packed with people. Family, friends, our business associates, their dad’s business associates, some of Dieter’s customers, and even some of Jakob’s veteran patrons. Jake’s been swept up in a conversation with Jasper when I let my eyes scan the crowd for my brothers. Noticeably, the twins are missing.
That’s weird because all of the other Lucky Ones are walking around, including Elle. We had Zach’s service yesterday, so all of them are still in town until tomorrow. Elle sits beside Knox as they talk with Xavier and Dom. Myeyes catch on Kieran’s, who briefly looks up the stairs then back to me. I nod in understanding, and after checking to make sure Jake is okay with his friends, I move up the stairs and to the outside of a cracked door to the room that I know is Anneliese’s. If I was unsure before, the twins’ voices solidified it.
“I don’t even know how to explain it.” Flynn’s voice drifts quietly from the room.
“You don’t have to. I don’t think that you can explain something like this.”
Through the small crack I can see them. Flynn’s in all black and Sully’s in all navy, sitting shoulder to shoulder with their knees drawn up and leaning back against Annie’s bed.
“I feel stupid for being so upset. I mean, her parents are out there… her siblings… and here I am barely able to hold it together for more than ten minutes at a time.”
“Don’t. You don’t do that, Flynn. You have a right to be upset. She was ripped from you before you even had the chance to start your lives together. If you can’t be upset about that then I don’t know what you can be upset about.”
“I’m so fucking mad at her, Sul. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad that Elle’s going to be okay, and I’ll take this pain times a hundred if it means you never have to know it. But dammit, why the hell did she have to throw herself in front of that bullet?” The pain in his voice matches the anguish that was in Kieran’s when he thought he lost Nix. He’s feeling the same shattering feelings because Annie was supposed to be his epic love.
“I don’t know, but I wish I did. I wish I could snap my fingers and bring her back so you guys can have the lovestory you deserve.”
I watch as Flynn tilts his head onto Sullivan’s shoulder and lets the tears fall freely. When I look back at Sully, he’s watching me with a protective glint in his blue green eyes. Right now, he doesn’t care in the slightest that I’m his older brother. To him, I’m snooping on his other half in a vulnerable moment. The message in his expression is clear.
Go away, and leave Flynn alone.
