I felt a pang of longing. I’d known Greg for more than ten years and I still missed him being in my life. He was part of me, and always would be, even though the memory of him was becoming a little fainter with every day that passed.
I’d only known Nick for a few weeks, but the hole he’d left in my life felt completely different. More like a gaping wound than an empty hollow; a wound with jagged edges that seemed to get sharper and more painful as time passed, rather than easing.
Perhaps it was simply because there was a tiny possibility that I might see him again one day, whereas I’d always known Greg was gone, and could slowly learn to accept it. Or maybe it was because we had this connection of Flynn, a living, breathing person tying us together forever, through the years.
I didn’t know. All I did know was that I missed Nick so intensely, it felt like the place where he should be was burning a hole inside me.
‘Mummy, can we get an ice cream now?’ Flynn was standing in front of me, silhouetted against the sun, and for a moment he looked so like his daddy that my heart almost stopped beating.
He tugged my arm impatiently. ‘Mummy!’
I smiled at him. ‘Sorry, love.’ I took his hand and stood up. ‘Come on, let’s go and get the biggest, meltiest ice cream we can find.’
The ice cream van wasn’t far away. Flynn chose an enormous 99 with a flake and red sauce which started dripping down his arm the moment he was handed it. I ordered a smaller version, and we started walking away.
The sun was really hot now. I’d been planning to go to the bandstand anyway, and now we were right beside it. As usual it looked empty, almost as though there was an invisible force field round the place that kept people away– although I suspected it was more that it was a bit grubby and off the main path.
‘Come on, let’s go in there,’ I said, pointing at it.
Flynn glanced up and I watched his face for any glimpse of recognition, but there was nothing. We walked up the path together, and when we got close I stopped.
‘Do you remember being here before, sweetheart?’ I said.
Flynn frowned. ‘No.’ His face brightened. ‘But it’s on my wall.’
Of course, the picture of the bandstand I’d put on his nursery wall when he was a baby.
‘Have you ever drawn this place?’
But Flynn had already lost interest, too busy licking his dripping ice cream to answer. I shook my head. ‘Never mind, sweetheart.’
I stepped up onto the bandstand and Flynn clambered up beside me, almost dropping his cone in the process. I hadn’t been back inside here since Flynn was a tiny baby, and it had become scruffier in the last three and a half years. There wasgraffiti along the top of the railing, and deep scratches and scuffs across the wooden floor. Flynn sat on the bench beside me, in the place where Nick had always sat and my heart thumped, low and heavy.
We sat in silence, finishing our ice creams and staring out at the park. A gentle breeze wound through the trees and for the first time all day I felt cool.
I glanced over at Flynn. His hands were covered in a sticky mess. I took the last few bites of my cone then reached for my bag and pulled out a packet of always-present baby wipes. I thought of the time I’d found a candle in my bag to light for Dawn’s birthday, and the sweets Nick always used to carry with him, and smiled.
I turned to wipe Flynn’s fingers but was stopped in my tracks. He was frozen, his eyes wide, and he seemed to be staring at something just behind me, just the way he sometimes did at home. I glanced over my shoulder but could see nothing there.
‘Are you okay, sweetheart?’ I said.
He looked at me, then pointed over my shoulder. ‘Is that man my daddy?’
My stomach flipped. ‘I…’ I started, but couldn’t get the words out. I cleared my throat and turned to look in the direction in which he was pointing.
‘Can you see a man, darling?’ I asked gently.
‘Yes, Mummy. Right there.’ Flynn sounded cross, as though he couldn’t understand why I was being so annoying.
‘What does he look like, Flynn?’ I said.
‘Like the man in the house. Like my daddy.’
My breath caught in my throat. There was no way Flynn could ever have seen a picture of Nick because I didn’t have any. If I’d ever had any doubts at all that the man Flynn was seeing in the house was Nick, they’d disappeared now.
I put my arm around his shoulders but didn’t reply. He kept glancing over his shoulder as if to check he was still there, but he didn’t seem scared so I let him. And, eventually, he snuggled into my side, his cheek pressed against my chest. ‘He’s gone now.’
I kissed the top of his head, and pulled him even closer, feeling my heart slow. There were so many questions I wanted to ask him, but I didn’t want to scare him. Besides, where would I even start?
