It seemed that Flynn could feel his daddy’s presence in the places that mattered – the house where Nick had lived, and the bandstand where Flynn had been conceived. Was Nick trying to let us know he was here, that he knew about Flynn?
I had no idea. But if it gave Flynn comfort, then it could only be a good thing.
26
NICK
Despite the comfort being in the house brought me, I knew Andy was worried about me. And he had every right to be. Because I wasn’t really living. In fact I was barely existing, so acutely aware that, at any minute, my life could be snatched away. What was the point of doing anything, meeting anyone – of being happy – if it could all be gone, just like that?
It was about four years after finding the letter that something occurred to me, and for a few weeks I couldn’t get it out of my mind.
Emma would be twenty-one now. Right now, in 2003, she would be an adult. I was thirty-five and, despite what I’d said about the age gap, it wasn’t inconceivable that we could be together. And I couldn’t stop thinking about going to look for her again.
‘You’re not serious?’ Andy said, when I told him over Thursday curry.
I didn’t look at him, just shovelled in mouthfuls of curry like my life depended on it. ‘Why not?’ I shrugged, aiming for nonchalant, as though going to look for Emma was somethingthat had only just occurred to me, but coming off more belligerent.
Suddenly my arm stopped moving and his hand was on my wrist, fork suspended mid-air. A piece of chicken fell off, dropping back onto the plate. Finally, I looked up and met his eye.
‘Don’t do this,’ he said, sadly.
I lowered my fork and sniffed. ‘I don’t see why it’s such a terrible idea,’ I said.
He frowned, folding his arms across his chest. ‘Tell me then. Tell me what you’re hoping might happen if you go looking for Emma right now. I’m all ears.’
I sighed. ‘I don’t know, Andy, but I can’t stop thinking about her and I don’t want to—’ I stopped myself. I was about to say I still didn’t want to open the letter, but I hadn’t told him about it and now didn’t feel like the best time. I took a gulp of beer and wiped my hand across my mouth. ‘I just want to see her.’
Andy shook his head slowly. ‘Oh, Nicky,’ he said. ‘I really thought you were over this.’
I looked down at my plate. My curry had started to congeal and I’d suddenly lost my appetite.
‘You never really believed me about her, did you?’
Now it was Andy’s turn to look away. ‘I didn’t say that.’
‘You didn’t need to. I wasn’t lying though.’
He looked up. ‘I never thought you were lying, Nicky,’ he said. ‘I’d never think that. I just?—’
‘Just what, Andy? Thought I was going mad?’
‘No, that’s not fair. I just thought…’ He twisted his pint glass round and round. ‘I just thought it was the grief. You know, you lost Dawn, and then… well. You know. Emma came along and you wanted to believe there was something amazing between you, and that was fine for a while.’
‘But why would I do that? Why would I imagine the twenty-year gap? It would have been easier if everything was just straightforward. It makes no sense.’
‘No. I suppose not.’ He stabbed a piece of chicken with his fork and held it up to his mouth. ‘Except that this way you gave yourself permission to fall in love with someone else after losing Dawn.’
And there it was. This was what he’d believed all this time. I didn’t know what to say.
‘Can we talk about something else?’ I said eventually, pushing my half-full plate away.
He hesitated a moment, then nodded. ‘Sure.’
We did move on, but the conversation hung over us all night, and we left early.
When I got home I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Not about the fact that Andy didn’t believe me, because I knew it was all real. But about finding Emma.
When I got home I went straight up to my office and started up my computer. As it whirred to life, I thought about all the things Emma had told me about the future – about her phone which meant she had the internet wherever she went, about the fact that people found dates online. It seemed so incredible that so much would have changed just a few years from now. It seemed almost impossible.
