Rachel
Relax and be yourself and you’ll nail it! R x
I smiled at Rachel’s message, took a deep breath, and pushed the door open.
It was quiet in here and I spotted Aaron straight away. He stood as I walked towards the table, then held his hand out to shake mine when I got there. So far so good – no awkward fumbling cheek kisses. Plus, he looked pretty similar to his photo, rather than twenty years older and balding.
‘Lovely to meet you,’ he said, as we sat down.
‘You too.’
I noticed a bottle of sparkling water on the table, but nothing else.
‘I didn’t want to guess what you were drinking,’ he said, handing me the drinks menu. ‘Do you want to choose something?’
‘Thank you,’ I said, grateful for something to do so I didn’t have to think about what to say.
That had been something I’d worried about on the way here – what if we didn’t have anything in common, or there were long, awkward silences? It had been more than a decade since I’d been on a first date with anyone, and Greg had always made it easy, the conversation flowing as he asked questions and told funny stories. With Nick it had been different, an unexpected connection, not something either of us had been looking for but something that had just clicked without us even trying. But a date was something else entirely, and I wasn’t sure I even knew what the rules were these days.
Luckily, Aaron was easy company. He admitted to being nervous too, and told me that he had been divorced for two years and was only just starting to date again. He didn’t have kids, and he asked sensitive questions about Greg. He was lovely, and seemed genuinely interested in me. He was good-looking too, and by the end of the night I was beginning to think that perhapsNick and Rachel had been right all along. Perhaps this really was what I needed.
We said goodnight and arranged to meet the following week. He kissed my cheek but didn’t push for anything more, and as I climbed into a taxi I realised I was smiling.
Well, that was unexpected.
By the time I pulled up outside my house, though, a sadness had started to descend, and I knew I probably wouldn’t see Aaron again after all. Because no matter how lovely he was, he wasn’t Nick, and the magnetic pull I felt when I was with Nick simply wasn’t there between us. It wouldn’t be fair on either of us for me to lead him on.
I paid the taxi driver and let myself into the house. I knew Rachel was waiting for details of the date, but I wasn’t ready to dissect it just yet. I had something I wanted to do first. I went into the living room, pulled out my laptop from down the side of the sofa, opened a new window then held my fingers above the keyboard. They hovered there, not moving.
I was itching to look for Nick. Despite what I’d told Rachel and the promise I’d made to Nick, I couldn’t stop thinking about him being out there somewhere, right now, and that I might be able to track him down.
And if he was out there, did he think about me? Was he with someone else? If he was still alive in 2019, then he’d be – what? Fifty-one. It was weird to think that. I was only thirty-seven, still young enough to have a baby, if it’s what I wanted.
He’d asked me not to look for him, and I understood his reasons. But what if I tracked him down and he’d been waiting for me the whole time, hoping I wouldn’t listen to the 1999 version of him? What then? We could be together and there would be no need for dating apps or anything else. Could I really go against his wishes?
What if he never forgave me?
My fingers quivered, undecided.
And then I closed the laptop and went to get myself a glass of wine.
I couldn’t do it.
10
NICK
Why on earth had I suggested Emma and I date other people? I had no interest in seeing anyone else, and I didn’t think she had either. It had felt like the right thing to say at the time but now, just the thought of her with another man was killing me.
Andy had set me up with one of his colleagues, Katy. She sounded lovely.
But she wasn’t Emma.
I picked the phone up and dialled Andy’s number.
‘I’ve changed my mind,’ I said, the moment he answered the phone.
‘Nope. Nah-ah. Absolutely not.’
