‘I can’t go,’ I said.
‘You’re not pulling out now. I’ve bigged you up so much Katy’s really looking forward to it.’
‘But I really don’t want to go on a date.’
‘Nicholas,’ he said.
‘Oh no, this is serious.’
‘You bet it is.’ A beat. ‘You need to try and move on, right?’
‘Not necessarily. I was perfectly happy wallowing in my own misery before all this started.’
‘Maybe so. But thishasstarted, which means that as well as getting over Dawn, you need to move on from Emma, or whatever this idea is of Emma. Agreed?’
‘Well, unless…’
‘Nope! Stop it! You know it’s no good.’
I sighed and slumped into the nearest chair, defeated. ‘I know. I’m just not sure if I’m ready for this. I’ve never even been on a proper date before.’
‘Nicky, you need to relax a bit. This is just dinner with a woman, no pressure. Just talk to her, eat some food and drink some beer. That’s it.’
‘But she knows about me, right?’
‘About Dawn? Sure. But it doesn’t mean you need to talk about it all night. Ask her about herself, what she likes, her job, whatever. But just try to enjoy yourself, okay?’
‘Okay.’
He hung up before I had a chance to say anything else. I glanced at the clock. I had a couple of hours before I needed to be in town. I grabbed my jacket and paused at the front door and placed my palm flat against it. I’d taken to stopping every time I left the house, or whenever I lay in bed at night or stood in the kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil, and trying to feel Emma in the fabric of the house. It hadn’t worked before, even when we’d tried really hard to connect, so I knew it was unlikely to ever happen. But it didn’t stop me from hoping.
I opened the door and walked briskly to the park. As usual the bandstand was empty, forlorn and long forgotten. I wondered what made someone decide to spend money on it and bring it back to its former glory in a few years’ time. I wished I could see it the way Emma did, surrounded by a beautiful rose garden.
I stepped inside. Even though I hadn’t expected Emma to be there it still felt like a blow when I saw the bench was empty.I sat down and stared out into the park, watching the blossom drop slowly from the tree and settle at the base. A woman walked past with her dog. She threw a stick and I watched the dog race away across the grass and return it, tail wagging. Where was the playground Emma had mentioned, and when had it been built? What was life really like in 2019? It was only twenty years away, but it felt like a lifetime.
A gap that felt impossible to close.
I closed my eyes and pictured the first time I came here and saw Dawn. We’d been so young but that had only been fifteen years ago. So much had happened in that time – we’d fallen in love, got married, tried for a baby, and then she’d died. In between all that, we’d had so many happy times – days at the coast where Dawn indulged my love of searching for fossils, Dawn coming to watch me play my violin and me watching her singing in front of crowds of people. So many small things that had disappeared into the stretch and bend of time and were forgotten, but that made up a happy life together.
And then I thought about Emma, and the first time we’d spoken. Had we known even that day that there was a special connection between us? That something in the fabric of time had brought us together?
I’d thought a lot about why we’d met and decided it must be because of our shared grief. Her for Greg, me for Dawn. They say grief is one of the most powerful emotions, and maybe that was the reason this had happened. Perhaps we were never meant to be together forever, but simply for this short period of time, to help each other. To deal with our grief and move on.
I should tell her when I saw her next week that we needed to stop this. That we’d come to the end. Because it wasn’t good for either of us to yearn for something that we knew we could never have.
I stood, suddenly aware of the time. I’d promised Andy I wouldn’t let Katy down, so I owed it to her to at least be on time for our date. I took one last look at the bench, then stepped back onto the grass.
‘I had such a lovely time,’ Katy said.
‘Me too.’
Katy and I stood facing each other in front of the restaurant. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other and back again. She looked down at her shoes. We’d had an unexpectedly fun evening and despite my reservations the conversation had flowed well. Now, outside saying our goodbyes, things had turned awkward. I suspected Katy was hoping for a kiss, but I didn’t want to lead her on.
She took a step towards me and I held my breath. If I stepped back I’d look rude and I didn’t want to upset her. And then, over her shoulder, I spotted a car pull up to the kerb, and relief flooded through me.
‘Oh, here’s your taxi,’ I said.
I saw the disappointment in her eyes as she glanced at it. She hitched her bag onto her shoulder, then stepped forward and planted a kiss on my cheek.
