But the more I’d thought about it afterwards, the more I wondered whether Nick was right. Whether dating other people was the only way I was going to be able to move on – from him, and from Greg.
Rachel had jumped on the idea of course.
‘Does this mean you’re not going to see Nick ever again?’ she’d asked.
‘Not exactly. We’ve arranged to meet next Wednesday at the usual time.’
‘What for?’
I’d given her a look I’d hoped was disapproving. ‘Because we don’t want to completely cut off all contact. At least, not until we’re forced to.’
‘So is he planning to see someone else too?’
I shrugged. ‘I think so.’
The truth was I hadn’t wanted to ask him directly, or think about it since. Even though it was definitely the best thing for both of us, the thought of him with another woman made me feel empty inside.
‘Well at least you can compare notes,’ she said.
‘Yeah,’ I agreed.
Rachel had encouraged me to set up a profile on Tinder. ‘It’s impossible to find a man out there these days if you don’t use the apps,’ she’d said.
I’d reluctantly agreed. But I was already unsure.
I waited until I got home before I pulled out my phone to see if anyone had checked me out. To my amazement there were already several messages. Before I read them, I made myself a cup of coffee, then went through to the living room and sat down. I stared at my phone, unsure whether to even open the messages. I mean, was this what I really wanted?
A shiver ran through me and I looked up. I had a sudden overwhelming feeling that there was someone in the room with me. My heart thumped and I stood slowly, and spun round. I glanced out of the living room door and down the hallway towards the kitchen. I checked under the stairs and behind the curtain. There was no one there.
But the sense that I wasn’t alone was still with me. And, I realised, it wasn’t a frightening feeling. More a comforting one.
Could it be…? No, don’t be daft.
But what if it was?
What if it was Nick? Or at least the spirit or the soul of him, in this house where he’d lived and loved. A few weeks ago I would have laughed at myself for even thinking like this. But now? Well, the truth was I had no idea what was and wasn’t possible. We’d tried to force it and it hadn’t worked – but what if itcouldstill happen from time to time, the same way the bandstand portal seemed to exist?
What if Nick was trying to tell me to get on with it?
But then again, what if he was trying to tell me he’d changed his mind?
I sat back down on the sofa and took a sip of coffee, staring at the messages from men who had seen my photo, letting them blur in front of my eyes. Could I do this?
Nick and I couldn’t have a future. I had to stop thinking about him.
I needed to choose someone for a date, so I might as well get on with it.
I clicked on the first message.
It was hard to believe the state of dating these days. As I’d scrolled through some of the messages I’d received, I’d begun to wonder whether there were any normal single men left. Men who didn’t offer to send dick pics, or talk about the weights they could lift, or tell me how much money they earned, or list all the dirty, seedy things they wanted to do to me.
I’d been about to give up when I’d read Aaron’s message. He’d seemed nice. Better than nice. He looked handsome in his profile picture, a carefully chosen photo of him on a beach somewhere in shorts and T-shirt. Not too showy, but nice enough. He claimed to like surfing, cycling and Italian cinema, and he seemed the most normal of all the men I’d matched with. Best of all, he only lived a few miles away.
And now here I was, about to go into the restaurant he’d suggested and meet him.
I felt a bit sick.
My phone buzzed.
