I picked up my glass and downed it, and Rachel did the same.
‘And have you given any more thought to looking for him?’ she said. ‘Now, I mean, in 2019?’
I shook my head. ‘I’ve had a quick look on Rightmove to find out when he sold the house, but nothing else.’
‘And?’
‘It was sold in 2006.’
She nodded. ‘Is that it?’
‘Yep. I can’t do any more because Nick’s worried that if I look for him and find out something terrible has happened to him in the last twenty years, it will ruin his life.’ I shrugged. ‘So I promised him I wouldn’t.’
‘But what if he doesn’t know you’re looking? Then even if you did find out something bad, you wouldn’t have to tell him.’
‘That’s what I said. But he still said no, because he’d be able to tell.’ I took a gulp of wine. ‘The trouble is I think he’s right, too. What if Ididdiscover he’d died, or was really ill, or something equally as terrible? Because if he was still alive, why wouldn’t he have come to look for me? And if I found out for certain, how on earth could I carry on as if nothing had happened?’
Rachel pressed her hands against mine and squeezed them. ‘Ems, I know what you’re saying. But if youdon’tdo this, then there’s absolutely no chance of being with him anyway, so what difference does it make?’
I pulled my hands away and put them in my lap. I knew Rachel was right. And yet I knew Nick was too.
Which meant I was stuck.
‘Why did this have to happen to me?’ I said, burying my face in my hands. When I looked back up Rachel was topping ourglasses up. ‘I just want to be happy, Rach. Is that really too much to ask?’
‘And I want that for you too. But you can’t have a relationship with someone you can only see when you’re in the middle of the park.’
‘I know.’
‘So maybe it’s time to start looking for someone else – now that you know you’re ready for something?’ she said gently.
I felt a tear trickle down my cheek and I swiped it away. ‘I don’t want anybody else,’ I whispered.
I could tell from Nick’s face the moment I stepped into the bandstand that he’d had no luck last night either. I slumped beside him on the bench, arms folded, and stared out into the park. It was warmer tonight and there were a few people taking evening strolls. I hoped none of them would come anywhere near us and disturb our peace.
‘That’s that then,’ I said.
I saw his head turn towards me from the corner of my eye, but I didn’t look at him.
‘I’m sorry it didn’t work. But just because that failed, it doesn’t mean we should give up.’
‘Doesn’t it?’
I heard his sharp intake of breath. ‘Do youwantto give up?’
I shrugged. I knew I was being belligerent, but it was easier than admitting how frustrated I felt.
My skin sparked as he pressed his hand against mine and I stared down at his long fingers, his neat nails.
‘I’ll leave you alone if you like.’
‘No!’ The word exploded out of me, and I finally looked up at him. His eyes were open, his expression soft. I shook my head gently. ‘I’m sorry, I know I’m being an arse.’ I twisted my hands around in my lap. ‘I just don’t know if I can do this any more, knowing it can never go anywhere.’
‘It’s—’
‘The thing is, it’s killing me, not being able to speak to you,’ I interrupted before he had a chance to say anything. I just needed to get it out there. ‘When something happens, I want to text you, or ring you, and laugh about it, or ask you something, except I can’t and I never will be able to because you’re not there.’ I twisted to face him, and took his hand in mine, threading my fingers through his as my skin fizzed. ‘Except you are, somewhere. Just not with me.’
‘I’m sorry.’
