He studied me for a moment, then said, ‘You can only follow your heart.’
When I got home Greg was in front of the TV but he wasn’t watching it, instead scrolling through his phone. He glanced up as I came in, then looked straight back down at the phone without saying anything.
‘Everything okay?’ I said.
‘Uh huh.’
‘Greg.’
He looked up sharply and glared at me. Was he challenging me? I sat down next to him, forcing him to shuffle along the sofa to give me space.
‘What’s going on?’
He shrugged. ‘Nothing. I’m just playing.’ He indicated his phone and I was relieved to see it was only a game of snake occupying his attention and not a gambling site.
‘Right.’ I stared down at the carpet. There were so many things I could say right now, but I couldn’t seem to get anything to come out.
‘Where have you been?’ His voice was steely, and he sounded nothing like my warm, loving husband.
‘I went to see Dad, remember?’
He nodded. ‘Ah yes of course. How is he?’
‘He’s fine.’ I shrugged. ‘I took him to see Mum.’
He looked back down at his phone but I noticed he wasn’t playing snake any more. I sifted through my mind for the best thing to say, but before I could, Greg spoke first.
‘I thought you were withhim.’The last word was said with such venom I flinched. I’d rarely seen Greg as furious as he was now. Normally, when he was angry about something, he was like an open book, the fury obvious, and the cause just as plain. But this tightly coiled, volatile Greg was something new, and I didn’t know how to handle it. What had I done to him?
‘No Greg. I told you when I was with Adam.’
He gave a tight nod.
‘And did it go well?’
‘I thought you didn’t want to talk about him ever again?’
His jaw clenched as he replied. ‘I don’t really. But I can’t stop thinking about you—’ His voice caught. ‘You and him together.’
I reached my hand out for his but he pushed it away. ‘I was just trying to help him. You know that.’
‘Yep.’ He looked at me, his face leaden with pain. ‘But you were together weren’t you? Just the two of you.’
‘Sam was there too.’
He stood so suddenly I almost tipped off the sofa. He didn’t look me in the eye but stared somewhere over by the door. ‘I can’t do this Erin.’
I jumped up so I was standing next to him but he still wouldn’t meet my eye.
‘Greg, look at me.’ His eyes flickered over me and then away again. I placed my palm against his chest and this time he didn’t push me away. ‘Greg, there’s nothing going on between me and Adam.’
He was silent for a moment and I wondered whether he’d even heard me. But then he looked down and met my eyes. ‘I’m sorry Erin, but I don’t believe you.’
‘But I—’
‘No.’ He stepped away from me and clutched his hands in front of him. ‘You might not have technically cheated on me, but it doesn’t matter. It’s – it’s the thought of you with him, telling him things about us, about me, about our lives… It’s tearing me apart. I know your feelings for him are still there. Iknowthey are. I’ve always known it, but when he wasn’t here, in our lives, in my face, I could handle it. I felt safe, knowing you’d chosen me.’ He sobbed now and swiped roughly at his cheek. ‘But I can’t do it Erin. I can’t pretend I’m okay with this.’
‘Greg—’ What could I say? I could lie to him and tell him that Adam meant nothing to me, that I was over him. But what would be the point? Greg knew as well as I did that the gambling was one thing – it had caused a rift in our marriage, a huge one that would have been a lot of work to overcome even at the best of times. But with Adam back, that rift now seemed almost unfixable. As though anything we did to mend it would only be like sticking a plaster over a broken bone.
