‘Yes. Mum was tired. It’s been a long day.’
She nodded. ‘And did you get anywhere, with the songs?’ I’d told her I was trying something new today, but not why.
‘Not really. I think she prefers her normal ones.’
‘Never mind.’
I let go of Mum’s hand and placed it carefully on top of her blanket, then brushed a stray hair from her face and kissed her lightly on the forehead.
‘I should be off now.’
‘Yes, Penny will probably be asleep for the night now.’
‘Thanks Suzy. I know how much you do for Mum and I really appreciate it.’
‘Well apart from the fact that it’s my job, I do love it. She’s special, your mum, but I know you know that.’
‘I do. I just miss her.’
‘I know. But she is in there somewhere. You just have to look a bit harder to find it these days.’
‘Thank you.’
Suzy leaned over and pulled Mum’s curtains tight against the night, and we left together, leaving the bedside light burning.
19
NOW
Blink-182: ‘I Miss You’
Growing up, I’d always hoped I’d find someone who loved me the way my parents loved each other. My staid, serious father lit up whenever my mother was in the room, while my mum seemed to adore my father with something closer to fervour. I might not have understood how two such entirely different people had ever ended up together, but I’d certainly always believed their love was real.
Now I felt as though everything I had ever known had been a lie, that the foundations of my childhood, of my life, had fallen down around my ears. And I didn’t know what to do about it.
To make matters worse, Mum’s words seemed to be stuck on a loop in my brain, and I couldn’t stop thinking about the implications for me and Greg, or for me and Adam.
Which was why I’d come for a walk across the Common to try and clear my mind and make sense of everything.
So far, it didn’t appear to be working.
I continued stomping, following the path that wound up the hillside that Adam and I had climbed just a couple of weeks ago. It felt different during the day. Beside me, a little boy rolled down the grass, screaming with laughter, while his mum yelled at him to get up, that he’d get covered in mud. I passed several dog walkers and a couple of joggers, everyone bundled up against the cold wind. When I reached the bench overlooking the town I stopped and took a rest, and tried not to think about being here with Adam.
The town stretched out before me, the sky a translucent pale blue smeared with wisps of cloud that raced across it like they were in a fast-forwarding film. Trees bent to the left with every gust, and I shivered as the wind penetrated my jeans and chilled my legs. I pulled my scarf tighter and my hat lower and let out a long, slow breath to try and calm my nerves.
I watched a couple walking arm in arm a little way down the hill and I thought about Greg, who had always loved me so fiercely, who had been there for me from the moment we’d met. There were so many things I loved about him, that had become part of us over the years. I loved the way he ate his spaghetti, cutting it up into tiny pieces so it didn’t slop all down his chin; I loved the way he always stood aside to let me through a door first, even though he dithered about it every time because he worried about seeming obsequious, condescending. I loved that he remembered people’s birthdays and always signed his cards ‘from the Donnellys’ as if we were minor royalty. I loved his ridiculous trainer obsession, the way he lined them up in the wardrobe and refused to throw the boxes away, and I loved that he always took so much care when he cooked that his food exploded with flavour. I loved all these things and more, from the mundane to the marvellous.
On paper, he was the ideal man. But when the gambling had begun, the familiarity of him had started to change its appearance. Instead of being the comfort blanket it always had been, it began to feel stifling, like a noose around my neck – one that was growing tighter with every day that passed.
I understood it was partly Adam’s arrival that had made these feelings more acute, but the discovery of Mum’s mixtape and her memories of Johnny had also thrown me. I’d realised, from the look on her face as she’d talked, that the way Johnny had made my mum feel was exactly the way that I’d always felt about Adam.
Not Greg.
What a mess.
I shivered and pulled my phone from my pocket and typed out a message to Sam. This was exactly the sort of situation his bluntness was perfect for, and I knew I needed a stern talking to.
Come over,he replied, so I made my way back down the hill and snaked through town and out towards his flat. When I arrived he pulled me inside and closed the door.
