‘Are you okay?’ I said, wondering what was going on in her mind now.
She looked at me and frowned. ‘Who are you?’
‘I’m Erin,’ I said, clearly.
‘And why are you here?’ Her tone wasn’t angry or accusatory, just curious, and I smiled at her.
‘I’ve just come to see you, to see how you are,’ I explained.
‘Oh okay.’ She hesitated, her eyes darting round the room uncertainly. ‘And I know you, do I?’
‘You do. I’m your daughter.’ I tried to ignore the look of fear on her face and continued to smile sweetly until I saw her body start to relax again.
‘Course you are, course you are,’ she said as if to reassure herself. ‘And where’s your lovely Adam?’
My heart stopped beating for a minute. This was the second time she’d mentioned Adam in just a few days. She’d done it a few times over the years too – she’d even occasionally talked about him in front of Greg in her confusion, who, to his credit, had always managed not to take it personally even though it must have felt like a dagger to the heart. But this time I felt rattled.
‘He’s not here Mum,’ I said. ‘You mean Greg.’
She looked round. ‘Who’s Greg?’
‘Never mind.’
‘Is Adam not coming?’
I shook my head. ‘No, not today.’
‘Shame.’ She rubbed her hands back and forth as though she was wringing out an old cloth. Suddenly, she reached over and grabbed my wrist.
‘Erin. You must never let Adam go. Promise me.’ Her voice was urgent, a whisper. I placed my hand on top of hers to try and soothe her, but she just leaned closer. ‘Don’t listen to your father. He doesn’t like Adam, but you do and that’s all that matters.’ She shook her head and rocked from side to side. ‘Never let anyone tell you who to love.’
As the words spilled from her mouth I was reminded of the time I’d taken Adam home to meet her and she’d said something similar. I waited, hardly daring to breathe, as Mum continued. ‘Never settle for second best, Erin. Not like I did. You’ll always regret it.’ She looked me right in the eye then, her gaze hard. ‘Always follow your heart.’
It was as though the air had left her like a deflated balloon as she slumped back into her chair. I didn’t know what to say, so we sat quietly for a few minutes, listening to the low drone of voices outside in the hallway, and the occasional shout. I tried to swallow down the lump that was blocking my throat.
‘Do you mind if I close my eyes? I’m ever so tired,’ Mum said.
‘Of course. Let me help you into bed.’
‘I’m not going to sleep, just resting my eyes.’
‘I know. But let’s get you into bed anyway.’
She let me help her stand and waited patiently like a little girl while I pulled the covers down and plumped her pillows for her.
‘There you go,’ I said, standing back as she climbed beneath the covers, fully clothed. I was struck by how life had turned on a pin, how my mum, who had once tucked me in at night and sung to me, was now the one who needed the constant care and reassurance. I cupped her hand gently between mine and sat with her as she slowly drifted off to sleep. At least there she could dream, and pretend she was in some other place, some other time. A time when she knew who she was and what she wanted. A time before her mind betrayed her.
She was peaceful now, but my mind was all over the place. And I couldn’t get Mum’s words out of my head.
Never settle for second best, Erin. Not like I did.
Always follow your heart.
Although my heart bled for my father, who had always loved my mother with every fibre of his being, I couldn’t stop thinking about Greg, and Adam, and wondering whether I had made the wrong choice all those years ago after all.
I sat and watched the sky darken outside the window until I heard the shush of the door across the carpet and Suzy came back in.
‘Everything okay?’
