‘Who’s there?’ I said, turning the volume down a notch so she could hear me. ‘What’s happening?’
‘He’s here,’ she said, her voice soft, younger than usual.
‘Who’s here?’ I said, gently, trying not to interrupt her thoughts, to keep her in the moment. She didn’t reply for a while and I wondered whether I should change the song, try a different one. But then Mum stood up, clasped her hands together and held them below her chin. I waited.
‘It’s Johnny.’ Her voice was almost a whisper as she swayed from side to side, and I leaned a little closer to hear her better.
‘Who’s Johnny?’ I whispered. She snapped her eyes open, eyes wide with surprise.
‘You’re having me on,’ she said, grinning. ‘You know who Johnny is.’
I hesitated. ‘Is he – your boyfriend?’
‘You silly sausage,’ she said, laughing. ‘We’re gettingmarried.’
I held my breath. ‘Married?’
‘Yes. He asked me and I said yes and we’re getting married next year.’
My head swam. I’d seen the note from ‘J’, of course, but I’d assumed that the talk of marriage had been more from him than from Mum. After all, she’d married my father, hadn’t she?
Mum ran her thumb over her finger where her wedding ring still sat.
‘He’s going to get a good job and get me a proper ring one day. Daddy will let me marry him then, I know he will.’
‘Granda—’ I stopped. ‘Your father doesn’t want you to marry him?’
She shook her head. ‘He wants me to marry Michael.’
I tried not to gasp at the mention of Dad’s name. ‘But you don’t want to marry Michael.’ It was a statement rather than a question and I held my breath as she replied.
‘No. Michael is lovely but…’ Mum looked me in the eye. ‘Johnny is the love of my life.’ Her words pierced me like darts as my mind reeled back through the years; to all the times I’d watched my parents, seemingly madly in love; to the video of their wedding day that I’d devoured, dreaming of having a fairy tale marriage just like theirs one day; and then to all the times Mum had told me not to let the love of my life slip through my fingers, and I’d assumed she’d been thinking about Dad. I watched as everything I believed in crumbled around me, like dust.
Poor Dad.
I couldn’t speak, so I gave her a moment to get lost in the past, free from worries.
When the song stopped I clicked it off before a new one began, my hand shaking. Slowly, Mum’s eyes started to refocus and she slumped in her chair, exhausted.
‘Where’s Johnny?’ she said, her eyes flicking round the room, and I felt a dart of guilt. In all these years, Johnny must have been so deeply locked away that she’d never mentioned him before. Now, just one play of this song from the tape he’d made her, and he was back to torment her all over again.
‘He’s not here,’ I said, my voice wavering.
‘But where did he go?’
‘He had to leave.’ Sometimes it was best not to argue, and I could see Mum was becoming agitated.
‘Oh. Will he be back?’
‘He will.’
Her hands were clasped in her lap, her knuckles white, and she was fiddling with her wedding ring. When she looked up, her eyes shone with tears.
‘He loves me so much you know,’ she said. ‘I don’t know why he had to leave.’
‘It’s okay,’ I said. ‘He’ll be back soon.’
We sat in silence for a moment, my mind reeling from what I’d just learned. I felt untethered, and scared.
