‘Okay, you adored him. Worshipped him. Would have given up everything for him. Better?’
‘No.’
‘Don’t sulk Erin, you know it’s true. Why would you want to risk everything you’ve got with Greg just to see Adam one more time?’
I don’t just want to see him one more time,I realised.
‘I think I can help him.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘With my music therapy. You know, help him try and remember something.’
‘But he’s not a dementia patient Erin. He’s got amnesia. You have no idea whether music therapy will help him.’
‘I know, but it’s got to be worth a try, hasn’t it?’
‘No, I don’t think so.’ She paused a moment, and then said: ‘I’m not sure it’s worth the risk. To you and Greg.’ She cleared her throat. ‘You know it will annihilate Greg if he finds out about this.’
I said nothing because she was right of course, and I’d already known that this was exactly what she was going to say. And yet something was drawing me to Adam, the way it always had, and I wasn’t sure I could stop it happening even if I wanted to.
‘I know you’ll probably do it anyway,’ she said, as if she could read my mind. ‘But don’t kid yourself you’re doing this for Adam. You’re doing this for you.’
‘Now you sound like Sam.’
‘I’m just telling you the truth. Sorry E.’
I had an overwhelming urge to stop talking about this, to move away from this conversation and think about something else.
‘I need to go; Greg’s made dinner,’ I said abruptly.
‘Okay. But don’t be a fool. Promise?’
‘I can’t promise anything,’ I replied. Then I hung up, wishing I’d kept the news to myself after all.
I got the shower running and stripped off, then stepped under the scalding jets. As the water ran down my face and over my body, pooling by my feet as it slowly drained away, I let my mind drift off to a long distant past; to the day when I saw such pain etched on Greg’s face that I’d sworn to myself I’d never hurt him that way again. Adam had been gone for three months, and I was still struggling to come to terms with my mother’s dementia diagnosis. Greg and I had become a couple, although it had taken me some time to be persuaded. I knew I was being distant with him, not giving all of myself to him the way he deserved, but I just couldn’t help it. A part of me had felt as though it was lost to Adam forever. On this particular day Greg had confronted me, and asked me what the matter was. I’d broken down, and once I’d stopped sobbing uncontrollably, he’d said, ‘Come on Erin, tell me the truth. Do you love me?’
I hadn’t known what to say. I did love him. I just didn’t know whether I was in love with him. The only thing I had to compare it to was the love I’d felt for Adam, and that had been all-consuming. It had felt dangerous and exciting. What I had with Greg felt safe, comfortable. Was that love? Who knew?
‘I think so,’ I’d said. His face had dropped and I’d instantly realised my mistake. He hadn’t expected me to say that. I’d tried to backtrack. ‘I do love you. I do.’
‘But not as much as you loved Adam?’ His voice was like shattered glass and my heart contracted. How could I agree with him? It would hurt him so much. And yet how could I deny it?
‘I just…’ I stopped, weighing up my words.
‘Come on Erin, just tell me the truth.’
‘I do love you. But a part of me will always love Adam too.’
‘And would you—’ His voice choked. ‘If he came back here, right now, and told you he wanted you back, would you go? Would you choose him over me?’
I didn’t answer immediately, and my hesitation told him everything he needed to know.
‘Of course you would,’ he’d said softly.
He’d left then, and it had been a few days before I’d gone to find him to try and sort it out, knowing he’d need time to cool down. We’d had a long discussion, and I’d managed to convince him that I loved him, that I wanted to be with him. But I’d never forgotten that look on his face when I’d more or less admitted that I’d always love Adam more than I could ever love him. That Greg would always be my second choice.
I turned the shower off and wrapped a towel round me. A glance at my phone revealed that Sam had left me a message – Rose had obviously rung him the second she’d put the phone down – and a knot of anxiety tugged at the pit of my belly. I knew he’d be cross and try and talk some sense into me, and right now I didn’t want to hear it.
