Because I’d already made my mind up that I was going to contact Adam again no matter what anyone else said, no matter how much it might hurt Greg. I couldn’t even explain why, just that it was something I needed to do.
To exorcise the ghosts of our past maybe?
It was freezing as I set off, the mist hanging low, casting the town in a ghostly glow beneath the streetlights. Every now and then I passed a house whose Christmas lights flashed, piercing the darkness with their jollity, and it made me smile. I wrapped my scarf tighter round my neck, shoved my gloved hands into the pockets of my puffa coat, and stamped along.
I’d put on a brave face over dinner with Greg last night as we’d chatted about our days, terrified something in my face was going to give me away. I’d been with patients all day today too, so I’d barely had time to worry about the situation with Adam. But at lunchtime, instead of joining my colleague Kate for lunch as I usually did, I snuck out to send a text.
To Adam, of course.
I had to see him. Even if it was just to tell him I couldn’t see him any more, I needed to lay that ghost to rest once and for all. But as I typed the words into my phone, I knew I was hoping it would be more than that. And I hated myself for it.
Hi Adam, it’s Erin. Can we meet tonight? I have something to ask you.
It was only a simple message but it had taken several attempts to get it right. Should I end it with a kiss the way I usually did, or not? Should I tell him what I wanted to speak to him about? But what if I’d changed my mind by then? So in the end I’d kept it simple, straight-forward, and hoped he’d reply.
Which he had, of course. As I’d known he would.
I’d told Greg I was going out with Rose and Sam, and I knew he’d never check. He was going out for a few drinks with some cycling friends anyway, and as long as he wasn’t gambling then I didn’t care what he did. All I could think about was the evening ahead.
I hadn’t wanted to meet in a pub – it was bad enough sneaking around behind Greg’s back, I didn’t want to risk being spotted by him or his friends too. So Adam had suggested meeting away from town at the entrance to the Common, the place where we’d spent so many hours together as teenagers. I felt nervous as I approached in case he didn’t turn up, but when I rounded the corner and saw a figure beneath the streetlamp by the park entrance, I knew instantly it was Adam. My heart thumped and I stopped for a second to get my breathing under control. Come on Erin, stop behaving like a teenager. You’re here as a friend, nothing more.
So why did it feel as though I was betraying Greg in the worst possible way?
Adam didn’t spot me until I was almost by his side, and he smiled and stubbed a cigarette out under his boot and pulled an earbud out of his ear.
‘You came!’ The glee in his voice was obvious and it struck me that I’d never seen him this enthusiastic about anything; he always used to play it totally cool, as if it would be a show of weakness to do otherwise. I wondered what else had changed.
‘I did.’ I indicated his phone. ‘What you listening to?’
He reached over and slotted the earbud gently into my ear, the back of his finger brushing against my skin. The soaring vocals of ‘Numb’ by Linkin Park flooded my ear, the lyrics about becoming so numb and losing control smacking me with a memory of Adam so hard that it almost took my breath away: the first night we spent together at his parents’ house. It had been the first time we’d had the place to ourselves and had been able to spend the whole night curled up in each other’s arms. This song had been playing while Adam had undressed me, and it brought back the breathless anticipation with full force. ‘Oh,’ I gasped.
‘You okay?’
‘Yes.’ I pulled the headphone from my ear and handed it back with a shaking hand. ‘It’s just… nothing.’ I stopped, aware he wouldn’t have the same recollection of this song as me, the same frames of reference. Now didn’t feel like the time to go into it.
He clapped his hands together, his gloves making a muffled flump, and I tried to focus on the here and now. ‘Shall we go?’
‘In here?’ I peered through the gate into the darkness beyond. The innocuous trees and playground of the daytime had transformed into lurking, mysterious shapes under the cover of the foggy night, looming up at us out of the murk.
‘You said you wanted to be discreet. You can’t get much more discreet than this.’
‘Okay,’ I said uncertainly.
‘Come on then.’
He grabbed my hand and pulled me through the gate and I shivered at his touch despite the layers between us.
Adam set off at a fast pace, marching across the grass.
‘Do you even know where you’re going?’ I grumbled. ‘I thought you couldn’t remember anything.’
‘I’ve been up here quite a bit since I’ve been back,’ he admitted. ‘My head injury means I can’t work, and I’ll go mad if I have to rattle around that house with my parents all day long.’
I couldn’t reply – we were going so fast it was a struggle to catch my breath. The path had begun to slope upwards now, and we climbed the hill, up to a bench where, during the daytime, you could sit and look out across the town – the place where we’d spent so many hours together all those years ago, only back then we’d been trying to avoid our parents rather than my husband. I hoped we were going to stop there, but we reached the bench and walked right past it. I stopped for a minute. ‘Wait!’
Adam turned round. ‘You okay?’
‘Just – let me catch my breath.’
