I fall back onto the bed, letting my phone slip from my hand. My eyes focus on a small crack running along the ceiling. Focusing on that one thing helps ground me some. It allows me a moment to assess where I’m at—emotionally and mentally. I feel like it might be concerning how I can go from sobbing to completely numb in a matter of minutes. It’s as if my nervous system overheated and had to shut down to protect itself from combusting. If I was still going to therapy, I would ask my therapist. I had to stop going the last time Benny was in rehab because I couldn’t afford it.
I know what I’ll do.
Grabbing my phone, I pull up the browser and look up what I need. Less than a mile walk, and I have forty-five minutes. I quickly change my clothes into jeans and a tank top before heading to the lobby. As I step off the elevator, I shove my sunglasses on my face to hide the remnants of my tears, not glancing around the lobby in case anyone I know happens to be around.
I step into the fresh air and suck in a lungful. Even the walk in the sunshine and fresh air is cleansing to my soul, even before I arrive at my destination.
I walk a few more blocks before stopping outside an ornate building. Looking up at the sign to make sure I’m in the right place, I pull open the heavy door to the library. I push my sunglasses into my hair as my eyes adjust to the dim light. Once I spot the sign I’m looking for pointing to a small room off the main lobby, I take off in that direction. As soon as I enter the room, I’m greeted by the kind smile of a stranger.
“Hi! Welcome!” An older woman in her mid-fifties hurries over to me. “I’m Meredith. I don’t think I’ve seen you here before.”
“Nice to meet you, Meredith. My name is Olive. I’m here from out of town.”
Her knowing smile almost has the numbness from earlier subsiding altogether. She squeezes my bicep in a comforting gesture. “I’m glad you are here.” She gestures to a table on the side of the small room. “We have some coffee and donuts. Please, help yourself.”
I wander away from her as more people file in behind me. Fixing a cup of coffee, I grab a donut before settling into one of the chairs arranged in a circle around the small room. I eat the donut as I watch others fill the seats around me,giving the two people who sit on either side of me weak smiles in greeting, but none of us speak.
When all but five of the chairs are filled, Meredith closes the door, takes her seat, and addresses the group. “It’s so wonderful to see all of you. We have a lot of familiar faces and some new ones.” Her smile is warm as she looks around the group. “Just as a reminder, first names only, for you and your loved ones. For the newcomers today, I would love to tell you a little bit about my story.”
Meredith proceeds to tell us the story of her only son, who struggled with drug addiction for many years before finally overcoming it. He’s now leading a productive life and has been able to see his children more often because of his commitment to staying sober for them. I always love to hear these stories, especially when I’m at my most desperate, clinging to any crumb of hope that Benny can live a similar success story.
“Okay, who would like to go next?”
Without hesitating, I raise my hand. “I would like to, if that’s okay.”
“Of course, please.”
I stand carefully, happy when my legs are steadier than the rest of me. Wetting my lips nervously, I begin, “Hi, my name is Olive. My brother Benny is an addict who’s currently in rehab for the fifth or maybe sixth time. I don’t even know anymore. I’ve lost count…and I…I don’t know how many more times I can do this.”
31
Nate
My eyes trail Olive as she hurries through the lobby and out the door. I don’t have time to second-guess my actions before I’m jogging across the lobby so I don’t lose her. She’s about ten feet from the door when I burst through. I don’t call out to her. I watch and I follow, all the while recognizing how creepy I’m being but being unable to stop.
We walk the block before we pause for the light. My heartbeat skips when Olive looks up at the sky, the saddest smile on her gorgeous face as the light hits her pale skin and shiny dark hair. A force I’m helpless against causes me to take a step toward her. I want to pull her into my arms, tell her everything is going to be okay. And that I’m sorry for how I acted, and I didn’t mean it. I would make her tell me all her problems so I could either solve them for her if she’dlet me, or at the very least, help her solve them in whatever way she thinks is best.
Before I have a chance to follow through, the light changes, and she’s off the curb before I reach her. I continue to follow as she walks, oblivious to my well-intentioned stalking.
My feet stutter to a stop as she quickly turns to the left and pulls open the large door. I glance up at the sign—the public library.
I wait until the door is half closed before pulling it open and entering behind her. By the time I make it into the lobby, she’s halfway across it, heading toward some sort of conference area. I can’t make out the sign from where I am, but I wait until Olive enters before I approach the sign.
Nar-Anon.
My gaze rises to find Olive speaking with an older woman. The woman smiles at Olive and grasps her arm.
Then Olive steps away from the woman and disappears from view. Glancing around the lobby, there’s a table off to the side, far enough away that I won’t be spotted by Olive when she leaves. I want to make sure she gets back to the hotel safely. I drop into a seat with a clear view of the door and pick up a random book on the table to wait for the meeting to be over.
When I feel it vibrate against my leg, I dig it out of my pocket.
Ian: I’m still pissed at you… You want to go get something to eat?
His text pulls a smile from me. I appreciate the ease in which we can handle any issues between us.
Me: If you want to go now, I can’t. But if you don’t go now, I can go in maybe two hours.
Ian: Roger that.
