Ian ignores me for the rest of the flight and all the way to the hotel. Olive and Cade stay behind as they usually do to clean the plane. When I walk off the plane, Olive has her back to the aisle, avoiding all interactions. Cade stands at the entrance of the galley like her bodyguard with a fake smile plastered on his face as we all pass.
I spend the rest of the day in silence, only speaking when necessary, spiraling about how I can get Olive. I need to apologize and pray that she forgives me.
30
Olive
I’m so sick of crying, not just from the last twenty-four hours, but from my entire life. I’m tired. Why does it all have to be so depressing? Why can’t it be easy? Why can’t something work out for me?
Because life is more than unfair. She’s a vengeful bitch that makes us atone for sins we have no idea we committed.
My chest heaves from the emotions exploding from me. My entire being hurts. My body. My soul. My spirit. It’s all in shambles.
And I’m alone.
When I walked into the lobby and saw Nate, my heart screamed to tell him everything. To lay it all out for him and see what he would do with the trauma dump I unleashed. It was hard enough to ignore his texts and calls. And his knocking on my hotel room door. But seeing him in person,that look of concern lining each handsome feature on his face, was almost enough to break me.
But I knew there was no point. I knew how it would end. And it looks like I didn’t even have to tell him everything for him to decide I wasn’t worth it. All it took was me not telling him, and he was done. When he stepped to the side and told me to go outside, it was such an apparent dismissal that I almost begged him to be patient with me. The feelings I have for him are so new and scary. It’s hard to navigate them while also trying to keep my brother alive. It’s too overwhelming. But I didn’t think I could handle the possible rejection if I had. Not in the middle of the lobby, in front of strangers and the people I work with. So I walked away, leaving my heart torn to shreds at his feet. Then, to add to my heartbreak, seeing Jenny cuddling up to him was too much for me to handle. I always knew I wouldn’t be strong enough to deal with the pain of losing Nate, and I fear I may have been correct.
We’re in San Francisco for a few days, and I don’t plan to leave my room unless absolutely necessary. My sanity needs a break. Some alone time to try to get myself together. I also have some work to do to figure out how to get the money I need for Marcus.
My sobs have thankfully subsided as I stand on unstable legs and make my way to the bathroom. Filling a glass, I chug it, then I do the same to a second glass. Maybe that’ll help me prevent the headache I’ll eventually get from crying so much.
My ringing phone has my heartbeat skipping.
Maybe it’s Nate.
I rush back into my room to grab it, recognizing the rehab facility number that Benny has called me from before. My shoulders drop in what I can’t decide is relief ordisappointment. Before I can examine those feelings too deeply, I connect the call.
“Hello? Benny?”
“Olive.” His voice, so filled with distress, cuts me deep. “Where are you?”
I blow out a breath before answering. “I’m in San Francisco.”
He doesn’t respond for a beat. “When are you coming back?”
Technically, there isn’t a break in the tour for another three weeks. But since I’m now on a deadline to make another payment to Marcus, I’ll have to spend money that I don’t have to come home early. But since I also can’t afford to miss work, the trip home will be for only as long as it takes to drop off the money. That is, if I can figure out where to get it. “Probably not for a few weeks.”
“I don’t think this is working.”
The hand not holding my phone clenches into a fist where it sits on my thigh. “Benny, we talked about this. You need to stay there. You’re almost done with treatment. We need this to work so that you can live life the way you want to, the way we’ve always talked about.” I close my eyes, pleading with the universe to help me out here. “Don’t you want to be happy and not have to live on this rollercoaster?”
“Olive, you know I do.” He scoffs in frustration. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Explain it to me. Tell me what’s going on in your mind so I can understand,” I beg my brother. I don’t even know where he’s going with this or what he thinks I don’t understand. I never claim to understand being on the other side of addiction, but there’s so much I see and feel on the outside that he misses. I’m not sure there’s anything he would tellme that would convince me that inpatient treatment isn’t the best place for him.
“Never mind. This is pointless, talking to you.” Benny’s hateful tone hurts me, but it isn’t the first time I’m on the receiving end of his anger. Sisters make the easy target, especially when they aren’t giving in and allowing you to do whatever you want, no matter how harmful those things are. “Maybe I’ll see you around when you come back to town.”
I sit up straight, my muscles seizing. “What the hell does that mean, Benny? Why wouldn’t you see me when I get back?”
“It doesn’t matter, Olive. I’m going to let you go.”
“Benny,” I practically yell into the phone when I hear the call disconnect.
Even though I just talked to him last night, I text James, asking—or more like begging—him to go check on Benny. I explain what he said so James understands my concerns.
James: I’ll go right now, Olive. I know this is easier said than done, but please don’t stress too much. Just keep doing what you’re doing.
