“Do you think I woke them?”
“Nay. I roused you soon enough.” Caitlyn hesitated, realizing she was stroking Alex’s hair as he held her against his chest. “Do you need aught?”
“Just you.” Alex confessed, his words so quiet that he nearly didn’t hear them. Caitlyn slid her arm around his waist and nestled closer, a contented sigh escaping as her head found a comfortable spot on his shoulder. “It started out like my other dreams have lately. We were together at Mangerton. I don’t remember what happened though because suddenly the bells were ringing, and I was running to the battlements. Brice and I stood together as we watched a massive force ride toward us. I couldn’t tell if they were Scotts. That part was unclear for the first time since these nightmares started.”
Alex glanced down at Caitlyn, who nodded against his shoulder. Her arm tightened, but she said nothing. Her silence was the encouragement Alex needed to confide in her. They’d shifted during the night, so the only arm that reached her easily was his left. She was hesitant, but she drew it around her. She felt his fingers splay, so she slid hers along them until they held hands. It was an awkward position for her, but she would not deny him the comfort he sought.
“Brice went to the barracks and the armory to ready the men while I ran to the keep, searching for you and to warn the servants to hide. In my other dreams, you’ve always been with child. Usually we already have two sons, but sometimes two sons and a daughter. Right as I spot you, I hear the attackers battering the front gate. I glanced toward the sound, then when I turned back, you and the weans were gone. I ran out to the bailey as the attackers burst through. I was the only person standing there, trying to block them. A mon—I didn’t recognize who he was—called out to me as the enemy poured in around me. When I searched for whoever yelled my name, I found this mon had a knife to your throat. Before I could say aught, he ran it across your neck. He did the same to five children standing around him. I tried to run to you, but my legs didn’t move. I was standing in a bog. I reached for my sword, but there was naught there. I stood and watched this mon kill our entire family, and I could do naught to stop him.”
Caitlyn pushed onto her elbow when Alex shuddered at the end of his tale. She stared at him in the dark, unable to see his expression, but she could feel how his emotions roiled within him as though they were her own. His body was rigid, his heart pounded, and he felt warm beneath her. She pressed the back of her hand to his forehead, wondering if a fever had set in and caused the nightmare. He wasn’t feverish, only overheated.
“Caity, I never want to let you go. I’m convinced it’s having you here that’s keeping me from panicking. But I’m also certain it was a warning. I have no business taking you to Mangerton Tower nor becoming laird.”
“Alex, you’ve decided that a future you think might happen is already destined to be true. You can’t be sure of that. No one can. Mayhap not a single thing you’ve dreamed will come to pass. Mayhap you will live to be an auld mon who could have grandbairns hanging off you. Mayhap we could grow auld together. Or mayhap I have only a few years with you, but that’s better than none.”
“Better than none?” Alex hissed. “There would be far many more for you to enjoy if you married someone who can take care of you. But I ruined that last night.”
Caitlyn froze. Her chest ached, then burned. She understood the consequences of their actions, but she hadn’t regretted them. She accepted she’d made it nearly impossible to marry, and that with Alex’s ongoing refusal, she’d likely end up a spinster. But it was hearing Alex’s regret that felt like a knife through her heart.
“The only thing ruined, Alexander, is my memory of the only night I’ll likely spend in your arms.” Caitlyn turned away, putting space between them, but her voice sounded detached when she spoke again. “Wake me if you need aught. I’ll be here.”
“Caity…” Alex closed his eyes and pressed his palm to his forehead as tears stung behind his lids. He hadn’t meant to ruin anything, but once more he’d spoken without thinking about how it made Caitlyn feel. He didn’t regret making love to her, but he regretted stealing her future. That made him feel even worse.
They lay in silence, both still awake, for another hour. Eventually, Caitlyn relented and reached her hand behind her until she found Alex’s arm. He took her hand and wrapped his arm around her waist when she pulled it over her. Neither said more, but they both fell back to sleep. They woke to Mary and Benedict moving around the cottage. Temptation told Alex to drop a kiss on Caitlyn’s cheek and pretend as though they hadn’t exchanged words after his dream. He wanted to pretend as though they were a blissful couple who’d joined for the first time, a couple with a future together. Instead, he drew his arm from Caitlyn’s waist and rolled off the bed with a grunt.
“I’ll saddle Strong while you get ready.” Alex couldn’t guess how to do that. It had been a challenge to unsaddle the animal the night before, but with one good arm, he pulled it to the ground. He feared he couldn’t hoist it onto the beast’s back.
“Give me a moment, and I will go with you.” Caitlyn rose, keeping her back to Alex while grabbing her kirtle. She sighed in frustration when she recalled the gown closed in the back. Someone had to lace it, even if she could tie it. She suspected Alex couldn’t, so that meant Mary. She would only do it if Alex wasn’t there, otherwise, the woman would wonder why the husband didn’t help his wife.
“I know you’re offering help, and I can’t even do something as simple as tie a bow.” Caitlyn turned her head toward Alex’s despondent voice. He was looking at the back of her kirtle, and his expression was so defeated that Caitlyn wanted to cry. His misplaced guilt frustrated her, but in raw moments like this, she understood the depth of what the Scotts stole from Alex when he lost the use of his arm. She understood why he felt useless. It was an ingrained sense of duty and loyalty that urged him to convince his family to set him aside as a leader. It was the nightmares that haunted him that made him question himself. He wasn’t being awkward on purpose. He was lost.
“Can you pass the laces through the eyelets from top to bottom? I’ve seen you tie your breeks closed. Could you help me if they ended at my waist?” Caitlyn held her breath, praying she hadn’t set Alex up for failure.
“Aye.” Alex stepped behind Caitlyn. It took him what felt like forever, but he passed the ribbon through each opening and cinched it tight. He concentrated as he worked on the tie. When he finished, he flexed the fingers of his left hand, feeling more sensation than he had in months. He stared down at his breeks as Caitlyn turned toward him. Determined to not need a nursemaid for himself, he pulled his pants closed and managed the fastening with less trouble than he ever had.
“Alex?”
“Hmm.” Alex remained looking at his breeks, pleased with his accomplishment.
“You’re doing more with your left hand.” Caitlyn pointed to the extremity. “Do you think using it is making it easier?”
“I think so. I’ve always been able to move my fingers, and I can even make my arm move slightly—twitch, really. But I hadn’t tried to hold aught before yestermorn. I tried when I was first recovering but couldn’t. I dropped everything. I assumed it was still the case.”
“Alex?”
“Aye, Caity. You don’t have to keep saying my name as though you’re afraid to talk to me.”
“I don’t want to say the wrong thing.” Caitlyn’s anxiousness was easy to read in her expression. Alex’s mouth turned down, but he nodded. “I watched you fight yesterday. I—I don’t understand how you made it seem so easy. I mean, I know you haven’t been going to the lists. Stephen told me you started training with dirks a couple days before you left—and please don’t be mad that he told me. I just didn’t exp—didn’t rea—wasn’t—”
“You didn’t think I could do it.”
“Sort of. I remember you’ve been wielding a sword since you were two-and-twelve, and you’d watched the men for years before that. I’m not so surprised that you can do it. It must feel natural. I’m more surprised at how strong you are. I figured any mon who hadn’t trained in six moons would be rusty or weaker. But, Alex, you were not weak out there. You managed Strong and fought. You controlled him and lifted me off the ground. If you are weaker than before the battle, then I can’t fathom how much power you had back then. It’s almost scary, but I never once felt threatened by you. You’ve always been gentle with me.”
“Because I’ve never wanted to hurt you, Caity. Even if that’s all I do these days. I intended for my strength to protect you, never to intimidate you. As for how I am now, I suppose it’s from close to a lifetime of practice. The sword is just part of me when I hold it.”
“But your strength?”
“I don’t know. I don’t feel that different from before my injury, but I also thought I was just a large mon.”
