“The opposite. She said she understood what was happening and wasn’t scared. But Ewan, I can’t face the chance that I’ll hurt her, that she’ll regret it. She might not have been scared then, but I hadn’t…” Eoin trailed off.
“Can you not talk to her aboot it? Be direct?”
“And if she speaks her rejection out loud, what then? We still have more than a fortnight to fake. That’ll be even more uncomfortable.”
“And when the fun and games are over, will you just wish her luck and ride out with us?”
“I’ll have to. Fenella is marrying the first evening of the gathering. Cairstine will have no need for me by the next day.”
“And how will you explain your sudden departure? Are you willing to keep yourself in Hell for a year, then walk away?”
Eoin shook his head and shrugged. “I don’t know. I fear we’ve done too good a job convincing people our relationship is real. The only thing I can think of that would be horrible enough for me to leave is if people believe I’ve been unfaithful. But I can’t do that to her. I can’t leave her with that gossip, with the women here crowing that someone lured me out of her bed.”
“And if she claims her calling to be a nun still outweighs all else? I don’t think you want to call this off. You love her too much.”
Eoin couldn’t meet his brother’s eye. He sensed Cairstine before he saw her, his head swinging toward the kitchen as she emerged with a tray filled with food. He was moving toward her before he realized his feet were in motion. He lifted the heavy tray out of her hands and carried it to the table by the fire. Ewan observed him, and Eoin knew what his brother was thinking.You’re facing a life of loneliness or a life of celibacy.Cairstine unloaded the tray before spinning around to return to the kitchen.
“We’ll figure it out, little brother,” Ewan clapped him on the shoulder, his hand giving him a squeeze. “We always do.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Cairstine’s head hurt more than it did when Fenella bombarded her with questions. The pain throbbed behind her eyes and sweat broke out on her brow as she returned to the Gordons. She attempted to be gracious, but she feared she’d be ill in front of them. Regret over her remarks in the garden, fear of what Eoin’s remoteness meant, and nervousness around the Gordons was a strain she struggled to bear. She sat, pretending to listen, as Eoin’s family filled him in on the latest clan news. Cairstine caught Allyson’s eye more than once, and Allyson offered her a sympathetic smile. Cairstine feared it was pity at first, but there seemed to be a level of understanding.
Eoin was eager for news from home, since he’d forced himself to ignore his homesickness and how much he missed Ewan. It was like someone amputated a limb, and he had phantom pains. Seeing his brother again and speaking with him helped more than Eoin expected. He didn’t regret coming to help Cairstine, but the tenuous situation only exacerbated how much he missed his family, his home, and his clan. While he listened to his family chatter about new livestock born while he was away and the antics of the clan’s youngest members, he kept Cairstine in the corner of his eye. While she appeared the picture of hospitableness and serenity, he felt her discomfort as though it were his own pain. When she blinked for too long, then moved to raise her hand, as though she might rub her head but forced it down to her side, he grew worried. When he noticed Allyson offering a sympathetic smile to Cairstine, he knew she’d reached her limits. He seized a momentary lull.
“I’m sure you’re all tired from spending the day in the saddle. Allyson, perhaps you’d care to retire?” Eoin knew Ewan would never let his wife go to a chamber alone in a keep that wasn’t their own. At least not until he was convinced of her safety. Andrew looked tired as well. He was still fit and a worthy opponent in the lists, but he didn’t enjoy interminable days of riding anymore. Allyson took the hint immediately and reached her hand out to Ewan, who eased her from the chair. She wasn’t nearly far enough along to need assistance, but they seized any opportunity to touch. Eoin turned to Cairstine, who’d stood when his family did, but her pallor had gone gray.
“I’ll tidy up here.” Cairstine couldn’t bear to speak louder than a whisper.
“No, you won’t. You’re not well, Cairrie.” Eoin spoke just as softly, suspecting Cairstine’s head pained her. She barely nodded as she turned toward the stairs. Her hand grasped the back of a chair to steady her, and Eoin sensed she was dizzy. He didn’t hesitate to scoop her into his arms and carried her to their chamber, requesting a dram of whisky as they passed a servant. He placed her on the mattress, then kneeled to ease her slippers off. “Cairrie, I’m only taking your stockings off,leannan.”
Eoin slipped his hands under her skirts and hastily rolled them down. He pulled her arisaid more tightly around her shoulders as she sat with her eyes closed. He rushed to the door when the servant arrived with the whisky. He returned to the bedside and sat next to Cairstine.
“Take a sip for me,” Eoin kept his tone hushed, but Cairstine shook her head, wincing at the movement. “Please, Cairrie. You’re worrying me.”
Cairstine heard the anxiousness in Eoin’s voice and turned to see anguish in his eyes. She reached for the glass and threw back its contents, the burn reviving her, if only for a moment. It didn’t take away the pain that felt like her head were being struck like an anvil. “I’m fine, Eo. I’m just very tired. I’d like to go to sleep.”
Cairstine laid down then rolled over, not bothering to remove her kirtle. Eoin was at a loss for what else to do. He covered her with an extra plaid, tucking it around her feet before taking a seat in a chair. He was weary, but his concern for Cairstine wouldn’t let him sleep. He remained there as he listened to Cairstine’s rhythmic breathing. When her soft snores convinced him she was well, his eyes drooped closed.
* * *
Cairstine ran through a never-ending forest, searching and calling for Eoin, but she couldn’t find him. She could hear whoever chased her crashing through the trees, heedless of what stood in their way while Cairstine weaved through the trees, trying to evade her pursuers. She knew her screams only made it easy for her attacker to follow her, but she just needed to reach Eoin. If she could find Eoin, she would be safe. She was certain nothing could ever hurt her if she were with him.
Why can’t he hear me? Why hasn’t he come for me?Cairstine ran until she reached a cliff, a steep drop to a loch that would surely kill her. She spun around, searching for an alternative, but instead of escape, four faceless men closed in upon her. She heard her name.“Cairrie! Cairrie, jump. I’ll catch you. Trust me.”Cairstine recognized Eoin’s voice with the first sound of her name. She looked over the edge of the cliff and spotted Eoin standing on a precariously narrow ledge, much like the ones they rode along as they passed through the Cairngorms.“I’ll catch you.”Cairstine didn’t look back, leaping off the cliff, her kirtle billowing around her as she sailed through the air. For a moment, it felt like time was suspended, and she floated like a cloud. Then the next, she was plummeting to her certain death. As she opened her mouth to scream once more, she felt muscular arms cradling her against an equally muscular chest. "Eoin. Don’t leave me. Hold me forever.”
Eoin woke to the sound of Cairstine screaming his name. He reached for his sword resting against the chair, prepared to run through whoever was torturing her. She screamed his name again, begging for him to find her. He dropped his sword and ran to the bed where Cairstine’s arms and legs thrashed as though she were trying to run from something or someone. Then she suddenly went still when he swept her into his arms. He strained to make out her words, but he was certain he understood. “Eoin. Don’t leave me. Hold me forever.”
“I won’t,mo chridhe. I promise.” Eoin called her his heart as he rocked Cairstine and cooed to her until her eyes fluttered open. He kept her pressed against his chest as his hand rubbed circles over her back. “You’re safe. I’m here, Cairrie. I’m not leaving you. I’ll hold you forever.”
Eoin knew he wasn’t exaggerating. He would hold Cairstine forever if she’d let him. He had to find a way to make their pretend handfast into a true marriage.If I have to go down to that bluidy loch every night until I’m an auld mon, I will.He watched as recognition flared in Cairstine’s eyes, recognizing he repeated the words she’d mumbled. Her eyes drifted closed once more, and Eoin realized she’d fallen back to sleep, but when he tried to release her, she clung to him so tightly, that his leine nearly choked him. He slid beside her, and just like the last time he’d shared her bed, she nestled against him like a kitten.
Eoin jerked awake as a fist landed against his nose. Fingers scratched his chest, his leine keeping the nails from tearing the skin. He didn’t move quickly enough to avoid the knee to his groin, but when he reflexively curled forward, another punch hit his cheek. Cairstine flailed as if she were in the fight of her life.
“Get off me! Let me go! Don’t. Eoin, help! Help!” Eoin worried she’d wake the entire keep. He wrangled her wrists, fearful that he would hurt her as he pinned them to her side. He rolled to straddle her but realized if she woke to find a man, any man, on top of her, she would panic even more. “Don’t touch me! Eoin, help!”
“Cairstine, wake up.” He released one hand to shake her shoulder. He was rougher than he wanted to be, but he needed to rouse her. “Cairrie, it’s Eoin. I’m here. Wake up.”
“Eoin,” she whimpered.
