I kissed the back of her hand. “I know you don’t. That’s why it’s even more fun to pamper you. You could do it yourself, but I want you to feel what it’s like to be spoiled.”
I put the car in gear and headed for the beach.
“Who spoils you, though?” she asked.
“You.”
“I don’t spoil you. I haven’t done hardly anything but accept all your gifts and favors and generosity.”
“You ask me about my day. You make me smile. You care about me. You believe in me. That’s spoiled enough for me.”
She was quiet for a minute. Her voice was crackly when she spoke. “You deserve the world, Benny.”
A chill went through me. Whatever force of fate brought us together deserved a thank you card. My heart felt like it wasradiating fucking sunshine.
I spread a blanket on the sand and pulled out some things I grabbed at a deli, particularly a tuna sandwich for her. We talked and laughed while we ate, spotting orcas out in the distance. We speculated on what kind of mayhem they were getting into, making each other laugh. After we ate and packed our trash in a bag, I sat with my arm around Jessie, her head on my shoulder. I kissed her temple and she turned to smile at me. I could see so much in her eyes, and I felt ready to tell her about the hard stuff.
“I’m a mess, Jessalyn. I’m afraid of screwing all this up.”
She didn’t say anything, just gazed at me curiously and waited for me to go on.
“When I was a kid, my mom found this robin’s egg that had fallen out of a tree in my Kentucky grandma’s yard. It wasn’t broken. I knew it was so special, and I got terrified when she asked me to hold it. I held it so carefully, but with all my nervousness, I dropped the egg on the pavement.”
Jessie’s eyes went straight to heartbreak. She turned so she was facing me, legs crossed and her hand holding mine. “That’s so sad, Ben. You must have been so upset.”
“Oh, devastated. Embarrassed. Mad at myself. She trusted me and I got so nervous I screwed it up.” I swallowed and went on, turning to face her and mirror her posture. “I feel like you’re my robin’s egg, Jessalyn.”
She winced. “I’m not that fragile.”
“Yeah, but you’re going through a lot. And I don’t know if I’m going to handle it all right. I want to be good enough for you.”
She laced our other hands together and shook them. “You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. I don’t expect you to cure me from a rotten relationship. And I’m here for you just like you’re here for me, okay?”
I pressed my mouth into a line. “This might be rude, but you said we needed to communicate.”
She gave me a nervous look and took a deep breath. “Bring iton, Jockey.”
“Why did you fake with him? I don’t want you to get into a place where you just suck it up with me, too. I want you to be vocal about what you need. Not just in bed.”
Jessie looked out at the water, considering. I was so afraid she was going to shut down on me, but she started talking. “It started one time, you know. I was tired and just wanted to be through with it so I could sleep. Not like I didn’t want to, I just wasn’t as into it that time as he was. But then he just seemed so relieved that I came when he did that I realized maybe I’d been doing it all wrong before. And then I couldn’t get off. Then I started to feel like I was broken. And that didn’t seem like his fault. It seemed like mine. So I just... kept pretending.”
My lips went into a pout. “You’re not broken, baby.”
“I know. But it took you calling me out for me to see that. You got me all interested in sex again, you hornball.”
I laughed. “Aren’t you glad, though?”
“Yeah, I’m glad.” Jess’s face went more serious. “Now do I get to ask a question?”
“Open book, baby. Fire away.”
“What’s the deal with your dad?”
I blew out a breath. Honesty. “Well, my parents had a weird relationship when I was growing up.”
She studied me. “Weird, how?”
“My dad started cheating on my mom, and then he got some woman pregnant when he was on a business trip in Kansas City. She showed up with a baby when I was nine, and I just hid out for weeks. Aunt Lori moved into the guest house in our backyard around then, too. Dad started spending Monday to Friday with his Kansas City family and coming back on weekends. Aunt Lori basically became my stand-in dad. And then when Dad was around, I just felt the pressure to make him stay somehow. It was just... really tough on me. I felt like he gave up on us, all because he couldn’t stop lying and cheating. I don’t know what goodrelationships look like. That’s part of what scares me about us.”
