He sounded like he actually believed what he was saying. “Why not?”
I watched as a shudder moved through him, head to toe. His next words startled me, like he’d slipped an ice cube inside my shirt. “Because if I loved you, I would always choose you. I would let thousands die to save you, sacrifice innocent lives for my selfish need to protect you. Do you understand?”
I did. Completely. And the guilt he carried? Perhaps he had made one of those selfish decisions, had loved someone, and that someone had died as a result. That story, that darkness, was his burden to carry. I would not ask him to set it aside. His current choice was honorable, duty before self. Service to the many, rather than the one. It was admirable, really. Made me even more convinced he was the right mate for me. That processing computer really did know its stuff.
Right now I needed to make him understand that he was exactly what I needed.
“I understand.” I moved directly behind him, pressed my body to his, melted against him, let his heat, the leashed power inside him, sink into my body. God, it felt good. I hadn’t felt this calm since—since before. I wasn’t giving this up without a fight. Love was fragile and fleeting. A daydream. Fantasy, not reality. “So don’t love me, commander. I don’t need you to love me. I just need you to keep me close and make me feel safe.”
I slipped my hands around his neck until my fingers met. Zarren’s chin lifted and he leaned back to rest his head against my body. I took one end of the mating collar in each hand and moved my arms back, like I was putting a necklace on him, my skin lightly grazing his. I kissed the top of his head. “I know you don’t believe me, so feel me.”
Zarren lifted a hand to his neck. He traced the line of the collar I held, his fingertips moving up and around until his hand covered mine, holding me in place, preventing the final connection. “You aren’t going to like what you find, if you place that collar around my neck.”
“What is it you think I’m going to discover?”
“A heart and mind that will never be able to love you.” His hand squeezed mine to emphasize his words. “I do not jest, Willow Baylor. Duty will always be first for me. I neither want, nor need, emotional distraction.”
“I believe you.” I leaned over and rested my cheek on top of his head. “I need you to believe me. Love is not necessary, mate. Pleasure and protection, that is all I will ever ask of you. Once we are comfortable together, I will request that you choose a second. Your activity in the war is not without risk, and I don’t want to be left alone if something were to happen to you.”
“That is a reasonable request. No male of worth would leave you to survive alone.”
Relieved he was listening—finally—and not arguing with me, I pressed on. “In return, I will by loyal to you, only you, and provide you with comfort and company.” I sighed as I looked at the empty room all around me. “We can be friends, Zarren. On Earth, we would call this a marriage of convenience. Two people choosing a partner for the external benefits each will receive, rather than emotional dependence. But I must warn you, there will be furniture in this room when I am your mate. And a bigger bed.”
“And children? Most females want that. I will not father children while the war continues.”
I sighed, partially with sadness. Mostly in relief. The idea of being responsible for the care and safety of a completely helpless infant terrified me. The universe was too dangerous and violent for little ones. “I do not need children to be content.”
His quickly drawn breath revealed his unease. “I do not understand you, female.”
“You don’t have to make sense of it, you just need to believe what I say is true.”
He shuddered. “I am a monster, Willow. Nothing less.”
I smiled. “Then you are exactly what I need.” A monster so big, mean and scary that all the other monsters—and Nexus units—would run away and hide—and leave me the hell alone. With my commander, I would be safe, hidden away on his spaceship, surrounded by warriors—but no longer lonely.
I’d never felt more sure, more calm, about a decision in my life.
This is a mistake, woman. You won’t be happy.
Shut up. Yes, I will.
I could practically feel a part of me shaking her head in disapproval. So? So what if this wasn’t the relationship I had dreamed about when I was ten years old and imagining my future husband. One, I didn’t even know aliens existed back then. And two—Zarren was hot. Strong. Honorable. He said this was his ship, so he wasn’t dirt poor. What else did a woman need?
His hand shifted, moved the end of the collar we held to meet its opposite at the back of his neck. The mating collar locked in place.
A hurricane of raw lust blasted my system. I gasped at the force of Zarren’s emotions, unable to hide my shock at the ferocity. So outwardly calm. Stoic. Controlled.
Inside? A storm. Battle. He hurt. He raged. Hewanted.
7
Willow
Holy shit.Now that the collars were synched, his emotions roared around inside me like hurricane force winds. I took them all, savored his desire, raw need, and a deep, powerful rage I had never allowed myself to feel.
He shot to his feet, the back of the chair he had been sitting in knocked into me before teetering and falling on its side. “What have we done?”
Relief flooded me, second only to desire. “I told you, Commander, I am not a love-sick fool. I am the perfect mate for you, as you are for me.” I stared at his back, my gaze tracing the shifting muscle under his uniform, his broad shoulders, trim waist. God, I wanted to bite his ass, not too hard, just a nibble really. It was so tight and perfect. I stepped back and looked up at the black silk of his hair, longed to run my fingers through it, kiss his neck, his cheek. His lips. Breathe him in. Be with him.
