“If it means anything, Roxanne was crushed, she loves y—” Allie says.
“Don’t!” I point my finger at her. “Don’t do that. If she loved me, she would be here telling me why the hell she wants to fucking leave two days early in the middle of the night.”
“She did tell you,” Rusty says, glancing at Allie.
Allie hands me an envelope with shaking hands.
“What is this?” I ask. “Some bullshit explanation as to why she said she loved me and still left?”
Allie’s bewildered expression shifts. “Excuse me. She was dying when she wrote that. If you’d read it, you would understand the absolute gut-wrenching choice she made. And for the record, she loves this ranch as much as she loves you, and now she’s in New York getting ready to fight for it.”
I exhale slowly, my thumbs brushing over the note.
“Go in the library and read it,” Rusty says.
Jameson follows me and sits down under the desk like he used to do with Roxanne.
I flatten my lips and do what he says, though seeing the library empty is the biggest kick in the teeth there is. Her laptop is gone, but her perfume still lingers in the air. My fingers are trembling as I start to open the envelope. I’m not really sure I can handle what it says. When I unfold the handwritten letter, I’m already dying inside, and I haven’t even gotten through the first two sentences.
Duke,
I’m not going to get through this without sobbing, so I’ll get right to it. And no, I’m not strong enough to say this to your beautiful face.
I love you.
That’s the first thing. Well … it’s many things.
In your arms, I finally understood the difference between being wanted and being cherished. You loved me like I was something sacred, and forthe first time in my life, I felt beautiful and whole the instant you touched me.
This summer saved me, Duke. I came here broken, skeptical that nature walks and horse therapy could heal anyone, least of all me, but I was wrong.
I need you to know this has nothing to do with your nightmares, your PTSD, or any part of your darkness. I would gladly hold you through a thousand sleepless nights if it meant we could have forever. You don’t scare me, Duke Faraday. You never have.
I’m leaving early because I love you too much to be selfish. I was ready to beg you to come with me, to see if you might try living in New York. But then I watched you at the barn dance, helping an older vet in and out of his wheelchair and comforting another who barely spoke during dinner.
I started adding up all the good I’ve seen you do this summer. It’s worth more than what my heart wants for itself. I’ve seen how every person on this ranch becomes a little more whole because you refuse to let anyone give up. You don’t run Firebird, you are Firebird.
I’m one person, Duke. One person who fell impossibly in love with a man who belongs to something so much bigger than me … than us. I have no right to ask you to leave that behind. I have no right to take you away from the people who need you.
The last couple of weeks, I’ve been asking myself if I could make Colorado my home again. The truth is, I’ve fought too hard to get my life back, my career back, my sense of self back. I know you understand that, becauseyou’d never abandon your calling for mine either. We’re the same that way, we both love what we do. And maybe that’s why we love each other so much.
Please don’t come after me. Please don’t sacrifice everything you’ve built for someone like me. I know what I have to do now. I need to win this contest to help save Firebird. I want you to keep fighting for those who need help finding their way.
Thank you for showing me what it feels like to come home, even if I’m not ready to stay there yet.
All my love, always,
Roxanne
PS - I’ll be listening to “Faithfully” and thinking of you dancing under those fairy lights. Some moments are too perfect to ever really end.
PSS. I’m ugly crying so hard right now I can barely see.
PSSS. Confession: I don’t love you as much as Jameson. My heart will forever belong to him.
I set the letter down like it’s the most fragile thing in the world. My mind is spinning because my heart feels like something is squeezing it and yet … I’ve never been loved like this. This woman had the audacity to call me on my shit all summer, take care of me when I needed it, and then sacrifice her own want by leaving me behind. It’s confusing, heart-kicking and yeah, pretty damn mind-blowing.
I lean back in the chair when my eye catches another piece of paper sticking out of the desk drawer. When I pull it open, I find another envelope. My stomach clenches when Ipeek inside and find every Post-it Note I’ve ever left Roxanne. True to form, she’s dated them and put them in order.
