“I know I hurt you.”
“You have no idea.” Turning away from her, I ran a hand through the hair that had come loose from my elastic. “You’re not the only one with abandonment issues, Sweetheart.” My pet name for her slipped out effortlessly.
Her hand landed on my back gently, caressing the hurt away. “Oh, fuck Brandon. I didn’t think—” She paused, realizing maybe I had my own trauma too. Her demeanor turned somber. “I really am so sorry. There’s no excuse for how I acted, and I really hope that you can forgive me. And if you’re open to it, I’d like for us to start over.”
“I’m not gonna lie, Lex, I was so mad—still am, and I just came here to get some closure because, honestly, I thought we were done.”
“And now? Are you done with me?” she asked, sounding hopeful.
“I don’t know, Lexi. I don’t know if I can trust you. How do you know you’re even ready to try again?”
“We won’t fuck.”
31
LEXI
Damn it.All the work I did this summer to stop being such a fuckgirl went right out the window as soon as I saw him. My pussy throbbed at the sight of him on my stoop and the sound of his deep voice. I was determined not to let my pussy run the show this time around, though—Brandon and I needed to talk.Like for real.He needed to know why I ran out and how sorry I was, but all I could think of was him punishing me for leaving.Yes, please!
No! Down, girl.
Seeing those sketches freaked me the fuck out.That,combined with staying the night and my growing feelings for him, sent me running for the hills. I wasn’t used to feeling the way I did, and seeing how much I meant to Brandon scared the crap out of me. Daphne was right. Brandon didn’t deserve my half assed attempt to be barely more than fuck buddies. He deserved someone who wasn’tbroken—someone who was all in. Or at least someone who could give him more than I could.
So I ran. I ran right into the bed of another man.I know. I know. You’re probably thinking,butLexi, how could you?What about Brando?But let’s face it. Some people eat their feelings—I fuck mine right out of my system. So, in true Lexi fashion, I went out and did what I always do. I found some random guy to help numb the pain. I actually even felt a little bad for that guy. Before either of us finished, I ended up bursting into tears and getting the fuck out of there. That was my rock bottom. That was when I knew I needed to make a change. I needed to deal with my shit and I needed time and space to do that.
My first call was to Daphne. I didn’t tell her specifically about Brandon, but led with the fact that I needed a break from life and, in so many words, needed to deal with my unresolved daddy issues. Being the supportive bestie that she is, she listened to my blubbering. She offered perfectly reasonable suggestions—none of which included bailing on my life and taking a travel assignment three thousand miles away.
Was running away the most mature thing I could have done? Nope.But that’s what I did. I took a three-month leave of absence from work and picked up a travel assignment somewhere the temperature wasn’t below freezing. There was sun, sand, and not one reminder of Brandon’s beautiful face. It should have been delightful, but it was so depressing. I missed Daphne and the other gals from work. Imissed my mom, and I missed Brandon. The three months I was away were spent working and living in a perpetual state of general avoidance.
After my assignment ended, I came home, and that’s when the actual work began. I went to therapy and worked my shit out like a real-life adult.Fucking wild. Who was I even?All those nights fucking random dudes, telling myself I was okay being alone, turned out to be a lie I told myself over and over again. In reality, I was lonely and afraid of rejection. It’s amazing what endless hours of therapy can teach you.
Anyway, I finally felt ready to get on with my life. There was just one problem, and his name wasBrandon Pierce. Every time over the last few months that I thought about reaching out, I chickened out. I felt so nervous to put myself out there, but I also felt ashamed of how I’d left things with him, and I feared he wouldn’t be able to forgive me, or even worse, that he’d moved on with someone else.
Now he was sitting in my living room, looking too damn good, and I couldn’t fucking believe the words that were coming out of my mouth.
“We won’t fuck,” I blurted out, surprising myself.
“And that means I can trust you not to run away again?” he laughed.
“Think about it. My go-to M.O. has been to fuck and run, for lack of a better term. If there’s no fucking—and we actually date each other like adults—then there’s no reason to run, right?”
“I’m not seeing the logic here. You could still run. I think the feelings part is what spooked you.”
“I’ve been doing a lot of work over the last few months. Therapy has been really good for me, and I’m ready. I didn’t reach out because, honestly, I was afraid you hated me.”
“I could never hate you, Lexi, but you have to talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking. You can’t up and leave again.”
“I won’t. I promise.” And I actually meant it. I wanted to try not only for him but for myself. I deserved to have someone in my life, and if that person wasn’t Brandon, then this would be good practice for the next time. Although I really hoped Brandon was the first and last guy I’d have to actually date.Gah, my therapist would be so proud of me.
“How about this? We start over. Take our time. And like you said, no sex. Let’s get to know each other without the pressure or expectations of sex or labels.”
“I can do that.” I let out a breath. After all these months of anxiety building up to this moment, I was relieved that I was finally having this conversation with him. “And you’re right; the thought of jumping back in where we left off feels a little stressful. Two people just getting to know each other is a little less anxiety-provoking.” I let out a small laugh, the stress I’d been holding on to for months beginning to fade.
“And we agree to complete honesty, no matter what. Whatever you’re feeling, I want to know, and vice versa.” He leveled me with a look that said he meant business.
I reached my hand out between us. “Deal.”
He took my hand in his and gave it a soft squeeze. “Deal.”
