“Lukas,” I said, my voice pleading. “You want so much, you have dreams, and right now…I’m a weight dragging you down. You’re more worried about me and my trauma than you are with your future, and that’s not fair to you and everything you’ve worked towards for years.”
“You sound like Petyr,” he gritted out.
“Your coach isn’t wrong. You need to focus on this upcoming race, and not whether or not I’m going to freak out, or if my ex-boyfriend is haunting my unconscious brain.”
“You’re breaking my heart right now. I love you. I want to be with you,” he said.
I closed my eyes at the feel of his thumbs brushing over the tops of my cheeks and I leaned into the touch. I relished in the feel of him, the comfort he brought, and I would miss what we never got a chance to experience.
He looks so sad. I hate that I’m doing this to him…to us.
“I don’t want to,” I whispered into the air between us.
“Then, please don’t,” he begged.
I raised my hands and gripped his wrists, holding him where he was, not wanting him to let go, to sever the contact—even though he ought to.
“I don’t want to,” I said, honestly.
He didn’t respond with words, but his mouth on mine in a claiming, searing kiss that dragged me onto my tiptoes as he devoured me. And I let him, despite the fears and reservations that plagued my mind, and undoubtedly plagued his. His hands dropped from my face, and my arms wound around his neck as he moved up my spine, pressing and lifting me to him. I fumbled to get my legs around his waist, and then his hands moved to cup my ass and I moaned.
“We shouldn’t,” I said breathlessly.
He silenced my protest with another searing kiss. I felt him move, distantly heard his footsteps on the carpet. My back pressed into the blankets on the bed, and he hovered over me, having broken the kiss. My legs were still latched around his hips, and the hardness from this morning was still very evident. A whimper escaped as I felt the press of him.
His hands pressed into the bed on either side of my face and he stared down at me, his eyes a bit wild in their wideness, but I could see anger flashing in their depths and it doused the need spiking through my body. I couldn’t help the tremble that ran through me, loosening the grip my thighs had on him. I was terrified of what he was going to say, even though it couldn’t be that much different than what I’d just spent minutes monologuing.
“I have wanted nothing more than to be right here for years,” he said. “Right here, with you in my bed, me comforting you, and driving you out of your mind. I’ve wanted to know every single part of you—the thoughts that occupy your mind, the things that make you laugh, and the things that create that little furrow between your brows when you’re frustrated and upset.”
My breath caught in my throat. “When I found out about Asher I wanted to punch him and then come up to you and tell you, but I knew it wouldn’t amount to anything. And then everything changed, and I just wanted to see you smile again.”
He closed his eyes, and I watched the muscle in his jaw and temple tick.
“And then as if by chance, you showed up here, and I nearly blew it. I bottomed out so hard and quickly. I thought my chances of just getting to know you, to be around you, and to be your friend were shot because I couldn’t control my mouth.”
I blinked back tears and wanted nothing more than to hug him, but I didn’t move.
“And then you gave me a chance and I went all in because it was finally happening, I was finally getting to be with the woman I’d been admiring for years, who was picky about who she let behind her walls.”
“It sounds like there’s a but coming.” I whispered, and dread filled me.
His eyes opened and they weren’t angry anymore, just sad.
I couldn’t stop the tears that slipped out.
“And I knew we were taking things too fast—it was so much from the start—and I knew that you were still healing, still dealing with everything and I took advantage.”
I was startled. “What are you talking about?”
He looked at me, moving closer to me, so he could brush hair off my face.
“How did you take advantage of me? If I recall correctly, I kissed you first. I crossed that line before you did. If anything, I took advantage of you.”
“You were drunk,” he said.
“Maybe, but I was fully aware of what I was doing that night, and how much I wanted to do it.”
He shook his head. “ I love you, Aimee. I want to be with you. I can imagine a whole life with you—Iwantto create a life with you,” he took a breath, and closed his eyes. “But that doesn’t change the fact that you were grieving, and I took advantage of that, of your desire to feel wanted. I can’t keep competing with a ghost.”
