“You have people in your life that want to be there for you and help you,” he said.
I sat up, pulling away from him and got out of the bed. Lukas sat up, but didn’t move to come after me. And I knew.
Too hot.
Too fast.
Too much.
Too quickly.
I swallowed past the lump, past the tears. I shouldn’t be surprised. I shouldn’t even be upset and hurt because it was my fault.
“You’re right. But sometimes this,” I tapped on my head. “Forgets. And it runs away.”
He gave me a tight smile, but he didn’t really meet my eyes.
“He’s been haunting me for the last week,” I said. “And last night he killed me.”
I couldn’t hide the tremor in my voice, but I cleared my throat and continued to talk.
“He accused me of a lot of things, and it wasn’t until I was under the ice staring at him through the water that I realized that I couldn’t let him have this kind of power over me. That I shouldn’t have to live in fear of being happy.”
Lukas stared at me, and I didn’t like the look in his eyes or the emotions racing over his face.
“And of course I know all this, but brains. They’re fickle, and sometimes I forget and the guilt and the pain get the better of me.”
“You can’t blame yourself,” Lukas said, his voice gentle but hard.
“Ishouldn’tblame myself, but I do. I probably always will. I know now that what I thought we were wasn’t everything I believed us to be, that he was hurting me long before I knew it, before I realized it.”
“I don’t even know where I’m going with all this, but to say the least, last night was terrifying, but eye opening and I’m sorry you got stuck trying to bring me back.”
I watched as his jaw clenched, and the heart I was trying so hard to mend with his help shattered a bit. But it was okay, I taped it up and put on a brave face, because that’s all I had in me.
“I-I don’t want you to feel guilty or have any sort of obligations towards me,” I said, my voice catching at the beginning.
“I completely understand if this is too much—it’s too much for me most days, and you have your own life to contend with.”
Lukas was out of the bed in an instant, his hands gripping either side of my face. The pain etched onto his features, the fear in his eyes. His whole body was tense as he loomed over me, stared down at me like I was his salvation and his damnation. His grip gentled and he tipped my head back ever so slightly so he could look me in the eyes without having to crane his neck so far.
“No,” he rasped out. “No.You do not get to end things, you do not get to say goodbye.” His voice caught and broke, and I saw the silver lining his eyes.
“Lukas, it’s okay.”
“No,” he said, shaking his head.
I wished he wouldn’t make this already incredibly hard thing even harder because letting him go was the last thing I wanted to do.
Too fast.
Too much.
Too soon.
Too quickly.
And it didn’t matter, because I didn’t want anything else. Anything less. Iwantedto be his salvation and his damnation, the same way I want him to be mine. But I could see the conflict in his eyes, the inner turmoil he was clearly facing.
