I shoved him hard, crawling out from underneath him.
His eyes snapping open and he had the nerve to look sad but bewildered at my response. Hot angry tears pooled in my eyes. Gone was the desperation to keep him close, of not really wanting him to leave. A harsh laugh tore from me and I truly felt my insides shattering now. And I was over it. Done with it all.
“Desire to feel wanted?” I hissed. “Because I’m so traumatized and broken I can’t have any real feelings right? I can’t make my own decisions, have my own agency? You just feltso badfor the poor girl whose boyfriend broke her heart, that you decided to what? Take one for the team? Fix her up so that she’ll get over it faster?”
Tears dripped heavily and freely down my cheeks as it dawned on Lukas how his words sounded. He opened his mouthto probably tell me I was wrong, or maybe I was right, I didn’t really want to know.
Things had been fast, and been a lot, but honestly…maybe that wasn’t a bad thing. I’d made more progress in finding a new normal in the last few weeks than I had in the last 16 months. Maybe I was naïve to think that there could have been a future with Lukas—to want a future with him even though we’d really only just met. But he was safe, he was comfortable and being around him felt good and right and wonderful. It felt natural, but it was all a lie. And that was probably the worst part.
“So don’t worry about your future. I hope you win the race in a few weeks. I hope you make all your dreams come true. You won’t have to worry about me interfering with them, or shackling you to a future of bringing me back from traumatic episodes. You won’t have to worry about competing with his ghost either,” I wiped the tears from my eyes.
Lukas just sat there, not looking at me, not saying anything.
And maybe I was wrong in what hurt the most about this morning. I thought that this moment, where he couldn’t even meet my eyes was it. A sob bubbled up from me before I could stop it. I hadn’t wanted anything as much as I’d wanted him since that day on the rink—the Olympic Dream just within reach.
I turned to walk out, not wanting to be here anymore., As my hand wrapped around the doorknob, Lukas caged me in. He pressed into the door, keeping it shut and trapping me between him and it. I squeezed my eyes shut, refusing to turn around to look at him. His head dropped to my shoulder, and I tensed up.
He didn’t move or say anything and neither did I. I loved and hated how in this moment I want nothing else than for this moment of comfort, his touch.
“Please don’t go,” he said, his voice a quiet, hoarse broken thing.
I stilled.
“Please,” he begged, his voice cracking.
Hot salty tears dripped down my cheeks and I stifled the sob that wanted to break out. I wanted to stay, but I didn’t know how. Not after everything that had been said…not…said. It felt like there was a chasm or a wall between us now and I hated it. It felt wrong and like I was suffocating.
“I always fuck up around you,” he said down my back. “I never say or do the right thing.”
I let the tears silently fall.
“Everything in my head becomes this jumbled mess and things come out of my mouth in ways I never intend. I want you so much it terrifies me.”
I felt his hand on the hem of my shirt, clutching and gripping and yet I remained still.
“That day on the ice…” he swallowed hard. “My heart stopped. Zara caught me as I stumbled. When…when you didn’t move. When neither of you moved…it was only seconds, a minute tops, but it felt like eternity. “I didn’t start breathing again, my heart didn’t start beating again until you shifted on the ice,” he paused. “I don’t know why my mouth and brain won’t cooperate when it comes to you. I’m terrified of messing up and losing you when I’ve only just been lucky enough to get to know you. And all I do is fuck up, say the wrong things, and hurt you.” He pauses. “I don’t want you to go. I don’t want whatever this is to end between us. But I get it. If I could, I would hold on to you for forever, never letting you go.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and more tears escaped.
What would it cost to listen to my heart and make a choice that could doom us? Or listen to my feelings and still doom us?
I wanted nothing more than to fall back into his embrace, pull his hands from where they caged me against the door around my body to hold me, so I’m safe and secured. I could see myself crawling back into his bed and pulling him down withme. If I could stay there all day, staring at him and falling further and further for him.
If I was being really honest, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. It was a terrifying thought and more tears leaked from my eyes, trailing down my cheeks. I could see having a life with him. I could see myself loving him with every single part of me.
But that was the crux of it, wasn’t it?
“Say something Aimee. Please,” he whispered against my neck.
It took all my strength to not turn around and seal my mouth to his. Because even if the words exchanged had been heated and emotion fueled, they weren’t wrong. They weren’t lies.
I squeezed my eyes shut and choked back a sob. Because I couldn’t imagine my life without him, that was the reason I needed to give him up. I needed to let him go, because he would grow to resent me.
Too hot.
Too fast.
Too much.
