“Oh, Dale.”
He snorted and turned on his heel, breaking their contact. “I told you it was pathetic.”
Olivia didn’t know what to say. She understood obsession, understood what it was like holding on to something, or someone, beyond reason.
She leaned casually against the windowsill and spoke in a matter-of-fact tone. “Who am I to talk? God knows I’ve been a fool in love myself. Love, obsession and foolishness seem to go hand in hand.”
“But in my case, those emotions ended up destroying the person I loved.”
CHAPTER 33 - The Bargain
OLIVIA ABSORBED HISdeclaration. She knew about guilt too and what a corrosive emotion it was. Irrational too. You didn’t have to be directly at fault for something to feel guilty about it. Especially when it involved someone you loved.
“Tell me what happened,” she said.
“I don’t know if I can. I had resolved to tell you everything. But now that the moment has come, I... I’m afraid. I have never talked about it with anyone.”
“Whatever it is, I won’t judge you. Anyway, I doubt I could judge you any worse than you yourself have done.” She went to him. Reaching for his hand, she cradled it in hers. The simple touch seemed to act as a calming balm. Did he feel it too? He looked down at their joined hands and contemplated them in the silence. Wrapping his strong fingers around her delicate wrist, he absentmindedly rubbed circles in her palm as he continued.
“The thing I both feared and wanted finally happened. We were going to go to London for the Season and were all packed to leave the next day when Eloise came to my bedroom. She seemed nervous but also happy and... relieved. It surprised me, because she never sought me out, much less in my bedroom. But she had important news. She came to tell me she was expecting. And to request a... separation and cessation of our marital activities on account of her condition.
“It was only what I expected. Even so, I was stunned. I couldn’t believe I was losing her. If the child was male, she would have fulfilled her obligation to the title and need never return to me. She wanted to stay here at the hall, but told me I should go on to London and enjoy the season.
“She even implied she wouldn’t mind if I took my pleasures elsewhere. She was going to spend her pregnancy here and notify me when the baby was born. If the baby was a boy, she wanted me to allow her to continue to live separately. If it was a girl, she would continue her duty to try to produce a male heir after a reasonable time.
“I was hurt, and furious, and a little crazed. I refused to let her leave me. She pleaded, and I became even more upset. It was the first real argument we had had since we married. Until then, we had pretended cool civility.
“Finally, out of desperation, I proposed a bargain. She’d let me make love to her the way I wanted, with no barriers, no taboos. I could do whatever I wanted. If after that she didn’t find pleasure, I would let her go and never bother her again.
“I thought I was clever. That if I could show her the pleasures of lovemaking, she wouldn’t want to leave me. I just needed a fair chance.” He closed his eyes. “I can still see her haunted face. Her fearful eyes. But she wanted her freedom and probably concluded that a few moments of unpleasantness were well worth it. She accepted with one condition. She would set the time and place. I agreed, and she decided to have it done there and then.
“I was more than a little taken aback. I had imagined a slow seduction at night. Wine, roses and candlelight. I wanted to plan my strategy and take my time, not to be thrown into the action at a moment’s notice and in such an awful mood. But she said that she couldn’t deal with the wait. That she would lose her courage or tie herself into knots with nerves. She wanted to get it over with.
“When I still hesitated, she asked me with a little taunting smile if I wasn’t up to the task. That sealed it. I had her on her back before she could utter another word. But she could be at ease. She squirmed and retreated and cowered at the slightest caress. She was so tense! I needed her to relax and allow me to touch her if this was going to work. I told her we should stop, that the mood wasn’t right. But she frantically refused. She instead asked me to tie her.”
Olivia gulped and looked down. Slightly uncomfortable and unsure if she should be listening to such private details, but still entranced by the tale.
