Oblivious to her mixed emotions, Dale continued. “I was shocked. I had played with ties before, but that had been before I married, with a skilled courtesan in a specialized place. I never thought of using them with my wife. I refused, but she insisted. She said it would be the only way she’d be able to relax and submit. And she wanted to go through with it.
“If I had been thinking clearly, I probably would have stopped the whole thing. Looking back, everything was wrong. The timing, the emotions, the motivations. But I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was desperate and aroused, and in my arrogance, I thought I could make her enjoy the act. I was frantic to prove so.
“So I tied her hands and feet to the bedposts and for the first time in my marriage I was able to touch her the way I wanted to. I kissed and caressed her until she shuddered with her climax. I felt elated. Heady with the belief that we had finally broken through a barrier and everything would be well now.”
“I gather it wasn’t so simple,” Olivia said, bringing her other hand to cover his where it was still clutching hers.
“God no. She burst out crying and asked me if she had fulfilled her side of the bargain and could stop now. It was like a splash of ice water on my face. I had forgotten the bargain. Had forgotten everything but the pleasure I thought we were sharing. I looked at her eyes and my heart shattered. I knew in that instant that nothing had changed. That there was no hope of a happy future together. It wasn’t a matter of experiencing pleasure, after all. She really did not want me. I felt like I had raped her even though we hadn’t even... had intercourse.
“I untied her, and she immediately rolled over and out of bed, wrapping herself in the sheet. Without a word or a backward glance, she went into her room quietly and locked the door behind her. The click of the lock sounded loud in my mind, like a symbol of her shutting me out.
"I rode away, mindless and numb. I rode until both the horse and I were exhausted. But I finally accepted the inevitable. I had to let her go. When I returned, it was only because a storm brewed on the horizon. She was... gone. Took a carriage and a valise. By then, the storm was raging. I ran after her with a premonition of disaster. Hoping she had gone to her parents. But I found the carriage wrecked on the riverbank, horses struggling, Eloise nowhere in sight. We never found her."
Olivia was horrified by the story. What a tragic turn of events. No wonder Dale blamed himself. Still, something didn’t seem quite right.
“You never found her? Isn’t that strange? Is it possible she may have survived?”
He smiled bitterly. “I held onto that hope far longer than was reasonable, thinking that as long as there wasn’t a body, she was not dead. I kept the search going for over a year. We found her bonnet tangled in some branches by the riverbank about five miles down. It is quite possible that her dress dragged her down, and then the river washed her body out to sea. In any case, it’s been seven years. If she were alive, she would have been found by now.”
“I suppose,” Livvy said. “I am so sorry, Dale. The whole thing is so... tragic.” She released his hand to wrap her arm around his waist and put her cheek on his shoulder. She hoped the embrace would comfort him. Both his arms came around her and she felt him drop a kiss on the top of her head.
“Thank you,” he said softly.
“For what?”
“For everything. For not considering me a monster as I surely deserve. For trying to comfort me. For accepting me and for being here. Ah, God. It feels so good to hold you.”
“I certainly don’t think you are a monster. I’m sure you blame yourself for your wife’s death, and to be honest, I’d probably feel the same in your place. Maybe it is human nature to feel responsible for everything that happens around us and to our loved ones. We see cause and effect. Action and reaction.”
She disentangled herself from the embrace to look him in the eyes.
“But life is never that simple. Every day we make many decisions and we never know what repercussions they will have. Some will be good, and some will be bad. Some will be small and some life-altering. We try to do our best, but we are human. We make mistakes, and we don’t know everything.
“And remember that others also take part and can affect the outcome of things. When someone we love dies, we see only our actions and what we could have done differently. But how about them? I blamed myself for encouraging my sister to go out. But ultimately, the decision to go out was hers. And perhaps nothing would have happened if the drunk driver who hit their car had not chosen to drink and drive. There are many elements involved in an outcome.”
“Thank you for trying to exonerate me, but I think my actions were a lot less innocent than that. I was selfish and arrogant. What right did I have to keep her against her will? Or to put any conditions on her freedom? I practically raped her! And that caused her to run to her death.”
Olivia sighed. It was clear words and reasoning would not dissolve his guilt and pain. She didn’t know what to say. How to reach him. But she had to try.
“Did she have any reason to believe you would be cruel or hurtful? I find that hard to believe. You are one of the most considerate and generous men I’ve ever known.”
“Proposing that bargain wasn’t generous. She accepted out of desperation. Because she thought it was the only way to be free of me.”
“Or maybe she wanted to prove to herself that she could overcome her aversion. Dale, would you say she was fond of you in a non-sexual way?”
“She used to be. There was a time when we were best friends.”
“Then maybe she really wanted to love you that way, but couldn’t. You were two people caught in unfortunate circumstances. She made a mistake marrying you, feeling the way she did. From then on, you two were tangled together in an unhappy relationship, with no way out.”
He caressed her face and tucked a curl that had escaped behind her ear. “I see your point. Thank you for trying to ease my conscience. How did you become so wise?”
Olivia shivered under the light touch. “Hardly wise. I told you, I used to feel the same way. I got help from a therapist to work through all of that and gain the insights I have now. But I doubt you have gotten any help. I’m no psychologist, but sometimes all we need to shift our perspective is a friend.”
“Are we friends then?” He asked casually, but she sensed the intensity underneath.
“Something like that.” she was mesmerized by his gaze.
“Are you still considering my proposal or have I scared you off?”
