“I was twenty-four. She was twenty-two.”
Livvy snorted. “Hardly old. I got married at twenty-two and everyone kept saying how I was marrying too young.”
“For London society, in these times, twenty-two is positively ancient. Girls are presented at seventeen or eighteen. By the time they are twenty-two, they have had several seasons. If by then they have not secured a husband, the Ton considers them ‘on the shelf’ condemned to a life of spinsterhood.”
“How ridiculous.”
“That’s the way it is. Anyway, I didn’t mind. I came back willing to do my duty. After all, I had had my fun, and I was fond of Eloise. I didn’t want to cause her any embarrassment.
“My first encounter with her after several years was a shock, though. I remembered her as the tomboyish little girl who followed me around in my shenanigans. But while I was away, she had blossomed into a beauty. Half the gentlemen in London wanted to marry her. I felt very lucky indeed that I was to have the privilege.”
He exhaled roughly. “I was so infatuated with her, I didn’t even notice that while my feelings for her had transformed from almost brotherly affection to romantic love, hers for me had not.”
“Oh.”
“Oh, indeed.”
“But surely, if she didn’t want to marry you, she could have refused, couldn’t she have?”
“It’s not that simple. Maybe, if she had felt strongly enough, she could have refused. But I think she didn’t even know her own feelings. My guess is that she confused the innocent affection she felt for me for actual love. I was, after all, her childhood friend. Her closest male acquaintance. And I mistook her reticence for modesty.
“So we married. But needless to say, the marriage did not go as expected. At first I hoped that given the foundation of affection and friendship we had, in time, with closeness and intimacy, she could come to love me. Instead, she became more distant. Even repulsed by me.”
Olivia thought ‘repulsed’ was too strong a word. Oh, she knew there was no rhyme or reason to chemistry between people, but Dale was one of the most attractive men she had ever seen. Not to mention kind. She had had a small taste of his kisses and something more, and he was, frankly, irresistible. Maybe Eloise hadn’t been attracted to him, but repulsed? Livvy’s disbelief must have shown on her face because he insisted.
“It is true. She tolerated my kisses well enough in the beginning. Although she never showed overt enthusiasm, I always thought it was due to maidenly reticence. But after we married and became... intimate, she took a violent dislike to me.”
Oh. Now she saw where this was heading and how humiliating it must be. Brave of him to confess despite how horrible this must feel for him. She didn't quite want to know any more about this uncomfortable story.
“Dale, you don’t have to share with me anything you are not comfortable sharing. I don’t need to know all the details.”
“I want you to know. Because, see, I asked you to marry me. And you know I desire you. I think you desire me now, but I never want to see disgust on another woman’s face ever again.”
“Why would my desire turn to disgust, Dale?” Her overactive imagination tried to come up with scenarios. “Do you have some sort of... ahem, deformity or disfigurement that is not evident under your clothes? Or do you have any unusual preferences?”
He stiffened slightly.
Ah. She seemed to have struck a nerve. It confirmed she was on the right path, then. “What is it? You can tell me. Whatever it is, I promise to hear you with an open mind and without judgment. And to be honest with you.”
“We will discuss it later. This is not the right time or place.”
Reminded that he was telling her about his marriage, she tried to put the other subject aside and focus. He had listened sympathetically when she had told her story. She could do no less.
“Right. I’m sorry for getting off topic. You were telling me about your wife.”
He turned his back to the portrait and walked over to the window that overlooked the gardens, looking out into the distance.
“As I was saying, she took a dislike to me. I tried to be patient and take it slow with her. She was a very sheltered virgin when we married, so I assumed marital relations must have been quite a shock to her.
“I tried to give her time and introduce her to pleasure little by little. But it seemed nothing worked. She never quite refused me. She had been raised to believe it was the wife’s duty to submit to her husband’s demands. But I didn’t want a suffering martyr in my bed. I wanted her passion! Yet whenever I touched her, she recoiled. Whenever I tried to talk to her about it, she turned red and avoided my eyes. I tried everything I could think of. But the more I did, the more uncomfortable and unhappy she seemed.
“I think it was about two years into our marriage when I finally gave up. But I never stopped loving her and desiring her. I would still visit her bed sometimes. After all, it was our duty to produce an heir to the title, and she knew that. But I would try to make it as fast and unobtrusive for her as possible. It was done in the dark, fully covered and with the least amount of touching possible. That was about all she could tolerate.”
Olivia tried to imagine the situation. How horrible it must have been for both of them. For Eloise, if she was so repulsed by sex, it must have felt like a violation. And for Dale, who was passionately in love with his wife, those encounters must have been deeply unsatisfying. More than that, the knowledge that the woman he loved barely tolerated his touch out of duty must have been corrosive. No wonder he had not married again.
She placed her hand lightly on his arm. “Wouldn’t it have been better, under the circumstances, to separate?”
“Maybe. But divorce is nearly impossible, and I had a duty to beget an heir. I wanted to get her pregnant with the same intensity I feared it. On the one hand, I would have loved to have a child and not only as my heir. Even if it had been a girl, I would have loved her. On the other hand, I knew that as soon as Eloise produced an heir, she wouldn’t have anything more to do with me, and I wouldn’t have that excuse to visit her bed. I was so pathetically in love with her, I couldn’t bear the thought. Even knowing she didn’t love me, I wanted her by my side in any way I could have her.”
