Alex shook her head. ‘I can’t take that step with you. If we agree there’s going to be more kisses, more sex in the future, dates, holding hands, being together, then I will very quickly fall head over heels in love with you.’ As if she wasn’t already there. ‘And what will happen then?’
‘I don’t know, marriage, babies, happy ever after,’ Quinn said.
‘No, I don’t want that, especially not with you. It would hurt too much to lose you.’
‘Why would you lose me?’
‘Liam promised me a happy ever after. Then he found that alcohol made him far happier than I ever could. He chose whisky over me and his daughter.’
‘I’m not Liam.’
‘I know, but you can’t promise me forever either.’
He let out a sigh. ‘So you want just one night of great, no-strings-attached sex?’
‘I just thought if we had one night it would get rid of all this… sexual tension from that kiss and we could go back to being friends again.’
‘You think making love to you will cure me of you?’
‘I don’t know, I wasn’t expecting any of this,’ she said hesitantly. ‘I wasn’t expecting you to offer to kiss me, I wasn’t expecting it to be the best damn kiss I’ve ever had, I wasn’t expecting that, afterwards, all I’d be able to think about was your hands and mouth on my body and how much I wanted, no needed, you to do that again, and the very last thing I was expecting was for you to enjoy it so much that you’d want something serious with me. I didn’t realise you had feelings for me too.’
‘Too? That wasn’t just a kiss that turned a bit passionate? That was… something for you as well? How long have you had feelings for me?’
‘A while, a few years.’
His eyes widened. ‘Years? Why didn’t you say anything?’
‘Because when I tried to kiss you before, you stopped me. I wasn’t going to make a fool of myself again. I had no idea you felt anything for me.’
‘I stopped you because you were crying and emotional. It didn’t seem right to take advantage of that. You were grieving my brother, that was not the right time to kiss you.’
‘But I wasn’t grieving him. I grieved the loss of him and our marriage months before he died, probably even a year before. I was crying because I felt so guilty, because every time I saw Violet or Henry they wouldsob buckets over their son. Every time they would look at Zara they would cry that their son would never see her grow up. And I just felt like the worst person in the world because every time I saw you I would fall for you a little bit more. My heart had already moved on and I felt like scum for that. While Violet, Henry and you were still grieving, I had the hots for my husband’s brother.’
Quinn stared at her with wide eyes.
‘I’m sorry. I don’t know what you must think of me,’ Alex said.
‘I think you’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met and I’ve thought that almost from the first time we met. So I had to live with the guilt of betraying my brother too and of falling for my brother’s wife at his funeral.’
They stared at each other. He reached for her hand and she let him take it, her heart soaring as he stroked her hand with his thumb. She wanted to take this step so much but she just couldn’t do it.
‘But don’t you see that’s why we can’t do a proper relationship,’ she said. ‘You are everything to me. It would destroy me if I lost you too.’
‘I know how bad it was living with Liam, I saw him at his worst,’ he said sombrely. ‘I get that you’re scared but I will never ever hurt you in that way. I will always choose you and Zara, always. Love is scary but sometimes you just have to take a risk because what’s the alternative? Spend the rest of your life alone because you’re too scared to let yourself love again? Or date ormarry someone you have no feelings for so the risk of pain is less?’
‘Maybe I’m just not ready.’
‘It’s been four years, as you reminded me today. But at least you know now why I was so upset about you dating again. I wanted you for myself.’
Alex’s heart was banging so loud she was sure he must be able to hear it. This was what she’d wanted for years, not just the kiss but him, all in. She’d dreamed about it. And now it was being offered she was too scared to take it.
She took a step back. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come. I don’t want to hurt you.’
‘You’re not going to hurt me. You’ve just told me that you have feelings for me, I’m over the bloody moon. Look, I have waited years for you because I thought you needed time to get over my brother, and in some ways that is true, just not in the way I thought. So I can wait as long as you need for those scars to heal. But I can’t do something casual with you. It will never be casual with you.’
They stared at each other, regret and sadness warring in his eyes. She felt the same. What was she doing, why was she saying no to this? But her heart had been damaged so badly by Liam and she wasn’t ready to hand it over to someone else.
‘I’ll walk you back,’ Quinn said.
