Oh god, this was it, it was over. She swallowed down the pain in her heart. ‘That’s not necessary.’
‘It absolutely is.’
He grabbed his coat and opened the door. She stepped outside into the cold and he followed her, closing the door behind him. He took her hand and they walked the short distance back to her house in absolute silence. They reached her front door and she couldn’t help feeling like she’d ruined everything and, to make matters worse, she’d hurt him, despite him saying she hadn’t.
‘You should go on this date with Pip tomorrow,’ Quinn said.
She stared at him. ‘What, why?’
‘Because I can’t give you what you want. Maybe someone else can.’
‘But I don’t want anyone else but you.’
‘You don’t want me either, unless it’s for no-strings-attached sex and I can’t give you that. Maybe you need to date other men to help you decide what you really want. I think what we would have together would be beautiful and special and rare and if you want that, I’ll be waiting.’
Alex opened her mouth to protest but he bent his head and kissed her, sweetly and gently so her whole heart melted.
He pulled back and kissed her on the forehead. ‘Goodnight, beautiful.’
With that he walked away and she felt her heart breaking at her complete stupidity. She walked back inside her house.
Immy was standing in the kitchen making herself a hot chocolate.
‘Hey, do you want one?’ Immy asked, without looking up.
‘Yes please. Is Zara OK?’ Alex said, feeling numb.
‘Yes, fast asleep.’ Immy turned around to look at her and her face fell. ‘What’s happened?’
Alex flopped down into a chair at the dining table and told Immy everything that had happened that day: all the way from how Quinn had reacted to her wanting to date, to the kiss and the stupid conversation she’d just had with him.
Immy slid into the seat opposite her staring at her in horror.
‘So let me get this straight. You’ve had the hottest kiss of your life with the man you’ve been in love with for pretty much four years, he’s told you he has feelings for you and wants a proper relationship with you and you don’t want that?’
‘I do but it’s scary and I’m not ready for that yet.’
Immy took a long drink of her hot chocolate as she thought. ‘Honey, what Liam did to you has left some horrible scars. He betrayed your love and trust every single day when he chose the bottle over you. Even though he loved you, married you, had a child with you, he showed you that love was worthless every time he opened his mouth and was vile to you,’ Immy said bitterly.
She took another sip of her drink. ‘It will take some time to build up that trust to believe in forever with someone again. I get that you’re cautious. But this is Quinn. The man would walk through fire for you. Hehas shown up every single day for you and Zara ever since Liam’s funeral. He has held you when you’ve cried. He is here every morning to take Zara to school. And clearly he’s not just doing that for sex as he’s just turned down a night of passion with you. He wants forever.’
‘I know, I’m an idiot,’ Alex wailed. ‘He is a wonderful man but it’s like I’ve built a wall around me and I can’t get past it. I’m too scared to take that step.’
‘Those scars are going to take time to heal, I get that, but that really isn’t something you can do alone.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You could wait ten years and the first time you have a proper relationship with someone, you’d still be scared,’ Immy explained. ‘The other person, whether that’s Quinn or someone else, is the person who will heal those scars, by proving every day they aren’t going to hurt you, that you can trust them. What’s that old Ernest Hemingway quote? “The best way to find out if you can trust someone is to trust them.”’
‘You’re right, I can only get rid of my fears of being in a relationship by actually being in one,’ Alex admitted. ‘But being with Quinn won’t be a normal relationship where feelings build up slowly, it’ll be something serious and big and life-changing from the word go. The stakes are too high. I don’t want to lose him.’
Immy nodded. ‘Is part of this fear your worry about how he will react once he finds out what happened the night Liam died?’
‘That’s part of it too. He will hate me.’
‘He won’t, he will understand. But if you get involvedwith him then the sooner you tell him the better and then you can finally put that skeleton to bed.’
Alex sighed. Immy was right, about all of it. But it still didn’t make it easier to act on it.
