The beginning was so long ago I could barely remember how it started.
“Morris was never…” I started to say. I tried again. “It’s never been Morris. It was always—” A stab went through my gut. “It was always Harper.”
“He’s the one you were in love with,” Liam said, his voice low, pained.
“Childhood sweethearts, everyone always said,” I murmured. “We knew each other since we were kids. We grew up, developed feelings for each other. Neither of us wanted to say anything. We were afraid of losing our friendship.”
Now that I’d gotten started I couldn’t seem to stop. I rarely told anyone this story. The important people in my life already knew and I’d been trying to forget for years.
“Everyone could see we were in love,” I continued. “Morris was the one who pushed us together. Literally.” I let out a weak snort. “He shoved us into a closet during a game of truth or dare.”
I skipped over the rest. The happy memories were almost as painful as the bad ones.
“Harper proposed to me on my eighteenth birthday. No one was shocked. They thought we were too young, of course, and tried to talk us out of it, but they all knew it was going to happen sooner or later. And then…”
My voice faltered, knowing what was next. The storm inside me continued raging.
“Can I ask what happened?” Liam was barely audible over the passing cars. “How he died?”
I shook my head fiercely. “Not died.”
I turned to face Liam. I wanted to see his face when I told him.
“Harper was murdered.”
A flash of pain shot through his eyes. “Why would someone—?”
“You want me to give you all the gory details?”
“No,” he winced. “I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant.”
“You know my neighborhood was rough. Drugs, violence, all of it.” I kept it short, to the point. “A gang wanted Morris to join. He was big, strong, the perfect guy to act as muscle. He refused. Over and over he refused. He’d always protected the neighborhood kids, kept them away from gangs trying to recruit. So they retaliated.” I spoke as quickly as I could, words tumbling out of my mouth, knowing that if I stopped I’d never be able to continue. "Harper was late coming home one night. I was so worried. Then a pair of cops showed up at the door. They didn't even need to tell me what had happened. Something inside me already knew."
The tears finally fell. I couldn’t contain them any longer.
“Morris was out drinking, partying," I continued. "He ignored Harper’s panicked phones calls."
I inhaled deeply and looked up. The evening was clear. Millions of tiny specks twinkled above me. It was more beautiful than the last time I’d watched the night sky. This wasn’t a planetarium. This was real. Those were real stars up there, burning bright and hot in the darkness of space. The burning of my eyes, the hot ache in my chest, the darkness at the very core of me, was almost fitting.
I looked down at my feet, unable to take such beauty when speaking of something so ugly.
“They cornered Harper in an alley. Jumped him, knifed him. Left him to bleed out. We didn’t know whether it was meant to be a warning, or if they planned on—” I exhaled a shuddering breath. “The coroner said it took more than an hour. Ever since, I've had to live with the fact that my fiancé died slowly, alone and in pain."
“Shit.” Liam took a step toward me and reached out, as if wanting to pull me against him.
I held up a shaky hand. “Don’t.”
He lowered his arms.
“I’m so sorry.” His voice was distressed, almost anxious. “I can’t imagine what it must have been like, to have to live with that.”
“It was hell,” I said flatly.
Liam made a movement to step forward, then halted, seeming to struggle with himself. He wanted to hold me, to comfort me.
But I wouldn’t have found comfort in his arms. Not anymore.
“I fell apart,” I continued. “Morris tried to put me back together, but seeing him only made it hurt more. So he left. And I've been trying to forget about it for years."
