“I have to go. See you guys later! Enjoy your last day before school’s back in on Monday,” she told Adam and Bas. She kissed Bas on the cheek. “You’re on the home stretch, now. Graduation is just around the corner.”
That was right. They were on spring break, weren’t they? Dane thought back to his virtual graduation just over a year ago. Receiving a diploma in the mail after completing all his coursework online had been very anti-climactic and nothing like the movies. They’d been just coming off what had become their final tour. No walks across the stage to accept a piece of paper for him, not that he would have asked for the attention. Would he be able to attend Bas’s graduation? Did they really throw their caps up in the air? Was it safe for him to go, or would people stop and stare, making it awkward to be out in public like that?
Dane sighed as he took his seat on the couch. Tommy put in the movie and started it up. Bas squeezed in beside Dane after he’d let Marissa out. Adam curled up in Ru’s arms. Tommy sat next to Paige with the remote in hand.
Dane glanced around the room, feeling weirdly at home, and settled in to watch the movie. He found himself leaning against Bas as the movie played, comforted by the warmth and proximity of him. He longed to reach out and touch Bas’s hair, which was still free of styling products, or even rest his hand on his leg, but didn’t dare.
No one talked other than to laugh at the snarky one-liners Tony Stark handed out like candy. Dane almost saw himself in the superhero, a man who had it all—money, fame, women, power—but was unaware of what it had taken him to get there and the pain it caused others. Dane realized he could have been Tony Stark if only he had a cool flying suit and a really super smart brain. He certainly had the missing family, and the bad choice in harmful friends portion was covered with AJ.
Midway through the movie, he realized Adam and Ru were asleep cuddled together and Tommy dozed while splayed across the end of the couch. Even Bas appeared to be having trouble keeping his eyes open. Paige still watched the movie with rapt attention. Maybe she’d never seen it, either.
To Dane it was a quiet moment in his own head that he had to walk away from. His internal noise rose again, like it often did at night when he was alone. He hadn’t brought any of his sleeping pills with him; he’d have to do so in the future if he wanted to sleep at all when not at rehab.
His brain kept comparing the him of now with the pretender he’d been during his years as some sort of celebrity. He had buckets of money. He’d never spent it on cars or homes like any of the other guys. He had a tiny apartment in LA that could have fit in Bas’s living room. And yet for all the wealth and status he’d acquired, what had he done with it? An eating disorder and major mental issues.
He got up and made his way through the first floor of the house. He opened several doors until he found a bathroom. He could have gone back and roused Bas but felt bad for taking so much of the guy’s time.
Under bright lights in a sky blue room, Dane relieved himself and washed his hands, a thousand things running through his head. Maybe he should just go back to rehab. There were too many people there. He didn’t know how to act. He’d spent the whole day with Adam and Bas, been mostly naked with them, but only now felt his heart hammering at the thought of them really looking at him. And they had, hadn’t they? In the end they complimented him on his hair color and beard. He couldn’t recall ever having approval for either.
He let the water in the sink run, staring at it. Dane could feel the burn to look up into the bright, uncovered mirror. What would he see? Would it be the monster his dad always said he was? The scared kid who’d been raped too many times by his mother’s friends? Or the fake who pretended to be the perfect guy for Vocal Growth? He didn’t want to be any of those people. But he also didn’t want to be the messed-up guy with an eating disorder and anxiety so bad he could barely function. That mirror couldn’t show him anything but a monster, he was sure of it.
Dane gripped the edge of the sink, the room beginning to wobble around him. He sucked in heavy gulps of air, like suddenly he was trying to breathe through a straw with a closed end.
“Oh God,” he whispered. This was going to be the mother of all panic attacks. He was overdue, he supposed. It had been a few weeks since the last really bad one.
He felt his legs begin to tremble and knew they’d give out soon. If he was smart, he’d sit on the floor and avoid hitting his head on something. But his hands held the sink so tight his knuckles were white. Not here. He couldn’t do it here. Not where his friends could see. They had enough of his issues to deal with. He couldn’t show them this too. Oh God.
The room began to spin. His left knee gave way, followed by his right. For the second time in his life, everything moved in slow motion—just like that night he’d fallen through his glass coffee table—and the ceramic bowl of the sink approached his head. Only it never made contact. Strong arms wrapped around him, pulling him away from the sink and back into an open corner between a free-standing linen cabinet and the shower stall. He was lowered to the ground slowly, someone holding him tight.
“Shh,” Bas whispered. “Just breathe. I’ve got you. Just breathe through it. You know it will pass.”
Dane floundered, gasping for air, his vision a mash of flashing brightness instead of images. He recognized Bas by his smell and his voice. Both were comforting, though all Dane could feel was absolute panic. What if someone else came in? What if someone noticed they were gone from the living room?
“You’re okay. Just breathe. Whatever’s in your head is not gonna happen. All those worries. The fear. You’re safe. Just keep breathing.” Bas rocked him, holding Dane in his lap. Dane buried his face in Bas’s shirt and closed his eyes to the flashes of light and memory. He focused on the man who held him, his words, soft voice, strong grip, and gentle scent.
“That’s good. Keep breathing. In and out. Focus on your breath. Fill your lungs. Let it out in a long exhale. Just like that.”
Dane still shook, his legs wobbling like jelly, but at least he could see beyond the attack now. It no longer swallowed him like a black hole of doom. Bas’s arms around him were a life raft to keep him afloat.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “So sorry.”
Bas continued to hold him and rock him, rubbing Dane’s back in comforting circles.
“Nothing to be sorry for. Just keep breathing.”
“I wanted to look. Was afraid of what I’d see.” Terrified of the monster that was certain to be staring back at him.
“You mean in the mirror?”
“Yes.”
“Hmm,” Bas said. “How about when you’re ready we’ll do it together. I’ll tell you what I see and you can tell me what you see.”
Dane shuddered. “What if it’s awful? There’s nothing good about me.”
“Not true. I know it’s hard right now. This sort of thing happens, and your head goes wild. It’s happened to me before.”
“You’ve had panic attacks?”
