Chapter Sixteen
Dane knew telling Ru was going to be difficult. What he hadn’t expected was for his friend to wrap his arms around him and squeeze him tight. Or the tears that Ru shed. Dane instantly felt bad burdening his friend with his problems.
“I’m so sorry, Ru.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. Understand that I’m not upset with you. I’m upset with myself for not seeing this. For not helping you sooner. Sometimes it just feels like the world is against us. It’s hard to keep fighting on days like that. You have no idea how many times I’ve looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. How I battle with food some days and feel like no matter how hard I work out it will never be good enough.” Ru glanced at Adam, who was talking to Tommy in the living room. “If it weren’t for Adam, Tommy, and Bas, I wonder if I’d have even made it through the past year. There were times I was incredibly depressed….”
Dane nodded, knowing the feeling too well. “But you seem happy now. You look great. Healthier than I’ve ever seen.”
“Adam makes me happy. He and his family are my family. Most days I can look in the mirror and see someone who isn’t unlovable. I just see me, the guy who lives every day to make Adam smile, to bring music to people who need a light in their lives. I have a purpose now. I feel needed, loved. Without him, like when I had to leave for the tour, it was hard. I kept seeing all the dancers around me and the groupies. So many perfect people. Only with him am I perfect, because he is part of me.” Ru yanked Dane into another hug. “If I can help you get there, please tell me. And know that you are loved.”
Dane sniffed back tears and glanced away. Tears were for babies and girls.
Shit. He was still doing it, wasn’t he? Hearing his dad’s voice in his head like it was his own. He needed to stop giving the old man that kind of power. His parents weren’t a part of his life anymore. They didn’t deserve to alter his future with the nasty things they’d done in the past. Dane returned Ru’s embrace awkwardly for a moment, wishing someone would tell him how to react. Was it okay to hug him back? Would Ru think he was coming on to him if he reached out with more than words?
Finally he just hugged him back, not caring what everyone else thought. Ru was with Adam, and they were solid. Dane didn’t have to worry about how they saw him. Isn’t that what they all kept telling him? Ru would never be his, but that was okay because Ru was happy. And when Dane held on to him, it wasn’t with that longing anymore.
Ru pulled away and held Dane’s face in his hands, staring him right in the eyes.
“You are beautiful, inside and out. I want to help you beat this thing. I want you to be healthy. Will you let me help? Will you lean on me? If I push too hard, tell me. If you need something, let me know so I can get it for you. And know that no matter how much you may think that no one cares, that no one loves you, I love you like a brother and will stick with you no matter what.”
Dane let the tears come this time. What had he done to deserve friends like this? “I don’t want to be a burden. But I still want us to be friends. I didn’t realize how much I missed you, you and Tommy, until Sandy died and I was all by myself. All I could think of was that I didn’t want to die alone. I didn’t want you to get a call that said my heart gave out. I felt so stupid for all of it. I still do. I just don’t see what other people see when they look at me.”
“I understand better than you would think. But when our heads are fucking with us, telling us how worthless and ugly we are, that’s when we have to look to those who love us for strength to see beyond.”
“Adam loves you so much.” Dane took a tissue from the box Ru offered him and blew his nose. “He’s amazing. You’re lucky to have found him. I like him a lot. He’s very real. Not like all those people who used to hang on us when we were famous.” Dane shrugged. “Well, I guess you’re still famous.”
Ru laughed. “Whatever. Fame is crap. But yeah, Adam is amazing. I hope you guys become good friends. And Bas is great too. Those two are real. They will give it to you straight. My stylist once did my makeup all Egyptian, like, with super heavy outlined eyes and kohl all over for a late-night show, and I got a call less than an hour after it aired from both of them telling me it was a bad look for me. I look back at it now and know it was not what I was trying to represent. I’ve actually stopped with most of the makeup and flashy clothes. I want to be real for everyone. Kids look up to me. I have to show them there’s more to Ryunoski Nakimura than glitter and glam just because I’m queer.”
“You and I are still friends, right?”
“Forever, D. You know that.” Ru let him go and leaned back in the chair. “Do you remember all those nights on the road where it was just you and me? Tommy and AJ would be off doing something for the label or partying, and we’d be on the bus or in the hotel room jamming.”
“You wrote a lot of our music in those places. Always singing. I loved being there as you created a new piece. It made me feel a part of something. And then when AJ didn’t want you in the group anymore and the press got in your face, it all went to hell. It was like all this stuff I’d hidden away for years came back and flowed over me. I was drowning. The group fell apart around me, and I lost all sense of solid ground.” Dane shook his head, remembering that day that led to him entering the facility. “I couldn’t see myself anymore. Not like I had been. I kept seeing what AJ called me, and my mom and dad. I thought if I just worked harder, pushed my body, that I could become what they wanted me to be. Perfect.”
“You are perfect, Dane,” Adam said as he pulled a chair up beside Ru. “You’re the perfect you.”
Ru reached out and gripped Adam’s hand. “Adam is right. I love you as you are. You’ll always be my friend. I want you be healthy. Not some picture-in-a-magazine healthy, but what’s right for you”—Ru waved his free hand at Dane—“whatever you look like. Don’t let others make you feel bad about that. Just be the healthiest you that you can be. ’Kay?”
Dane sucked in a deep breath, and let it out long and slow. “I’m working on it. Some days are harder than others. The food thing is a battle for a lot of reasons, most of them related to my mom. She was not a great person. But I can’t keep using her as an excuse. I have to keep working on me and stop dwelling on her.”
“Amen,” Bas said as he came into the kitchen with the new girl, Marissa, and Paige. The girls dished up lasagna for themselves.
“How about we do something nicely mundane and watch a movie?” Tommy asked. He dug through Bas’s collection. “We can watchIron ManorCaptain AmericaorAvengersor something. I could use explosions, intrigue, and witty humor.”
Dane looked around the room, wondering how he’d ended up in a place filled with people who so readily accepted him. Ru gripped his hand.
“If you want to do something else, that’s okay.”
“I’d like to see thisIron Maneveryone is talking about. Adam told me Tommy has art in his condo that looks like Iron Man. I think I need to understand what it is. I’ve been so absorbed in the band and then my problems that I haven’t been paying much attention to anything else.” Dane got up and headed to the living room. Bas had a giant TV and surround sound. Dane knew Tommy had a similar setup but had never spent enough time with him to ever see it used.
“The system is Tommy’s,” Bas informed Dane. “He insists that when we have movie nights, it’s more comfortable here instead of his loft. The truth is, no one likes to drive to downtown, find parking, and trudge through frozen streets to get to his place.”
Tommy raised his hand. “Total truth. But the system is Bas’s now. I still have my own at home. Just figured the explosions and sweet one-liners would be a better experience on a fifty-two inch with surround sound.”
“He’s a geek,” Ru said. “Techno geek. Into pixels and all that electronic babble.”
Tommy just shrugged. Marissa whispered to Paige before waving to them.
