Bas moved his hand up to stroke Dane’s hair. Dane snuggled closer, putting as much of himself in Bas’s lap that he could fit. No one had ever held him like this but Bas, and Bas never seemed to hesitate to touch him.
“Sure, hun. I’ve had a few whoppers. Didn’t Tommy tell you that I had two failed suicide attempts? Or that I was the homo who got raped by a couple football players in the bathroom of my high school? Was used by one of the players, who led me on for months, then they jumped me, beat the crap out of me, left me bleeding and dying in a public bathroom. I wondered for the longest time why I didn’t die that night. Thought it would be better for everyone if they’d succeeded in killing me. It’s what led to my attempts. The first one my grandmother foiled by dragging me to the ER to get my stomach pumped. The second one, Adam stopped with a simple phone call for ice cream. Hard to believe that was over a year ago. Back then, I would never have imagined my life as it is now. But when you’re that low, it’s hard to see any kind of light.”
“What those guys did to you was awful. Did they get arrested?”
Bas shook his head. “I didn’t tell. Well, not until recently. I don’t even talk about it to Adam. He only knows that they beat me up. I don’t want him to walk around afraid of the world, just because I was stupid enough to get myself into that situation. And frankly, I was ashamed. Men don’t get raped, you know. At least that’s what the world tells you.”
“Men don’t get eating disorders either,” Dane pointed out.
Bas chuckled. “We’re a fucked-up pair, aren’t we?”
“You don’t think that way anymore, right? That you would be better off dead?” Dane leaned his head on Bas’s shoulder and stared up at the ceiling. His heart rate was coming down a bit, and it was no longer a struggle to breath.
“Most of the time, no. Sometimes late at night when I’m all by myself, it’s hard to get past those thoughts. I know that I would be missing a lot if I wasn’t here. If I’d succeeded at the first attempt, I would never have become friends with Adam the way that I did. Took him ages to realize he was my best friend. Nice that it goes both ways now. He’s not afraid to share his life anymore. And without him, there would be no Ru or Tommy or even you. Without me, Paige would be out in the cold tonight. She’s too proud to go to a shelter, thinks it’s better to save those for the very old and very young. I understand, but it breaks my heart. And I’ve talked a lot of kids like myself down from a ledge at the crisis center. I’d like to hope they are all living better lives.” Bas sighed and stretched out his legs, pulling Dane in closer. “Life doesn’t always give you rainbow poop cookies. Sometimes it just gives you poop.”
“Truth.” Dane sighed and glared at the mirror, though they were too low to see themselves in it. He gave in to the urge and reached up to run his hands through Bas’s hair. It was soft and warm. Bas smelled good. “Promise me you won’t ever try to hurt yourself again.”
Bas smiled. “That’s an easy promise. I don’t plan to. Medication helps the worst of the swings. On occasion it gets bad. But I promise. I know the signs now. As long as I don’t ignore them, usually by reaching out, they pass pretty quickly.”
They sat together in silence for a few minutes. Dane finally said, “It’s my reflection, and it shouldn’t scare me, but it does.”
Bas shrugged. “There’s no rush. Maybe you’re not ready to open your perception up. Not ready to see the new you. That’s okay. Just know there’s nothing wrong or bad about you or how you look.”
“I can’t remember the last time I had red hair.” Dane touched his face. “Or a beard. I don’t think I ever let it get this long.”
“I can help you with the upkeep. It’s pretty easy with an electric razor. You’ll only need to clean up every couple of days. But it looks good on you. And honestly, you don’t look anything like the Dane the world knew from Vocal Growth.” Bas ran his fingers across Dane’s jaw, tracing the beard. Dane liked his touch but wondered if it was okay. Was it okay to want Bas to keep touching him? Or that so far only Bas had made him feel safe and worth something? Everyone else he just compared himself to….
“What if I’m never ready to look?”
“That would still be okay. But I don’t think that will happen. You’re growing every day. You were great today. So nice to Paige. I know she made you uncomfortable. A lot of people can’t handle it. She looks like a girl, acts like a girl, and will someday physically be a girl. They don’t get that. Hell, I’ve known her for a few years, and I don’t get it. I’m mentally wired as a gay boy. And no matter what people say, gay boys and straight girls are not wired the same, even trans girls. But that’s okay. It’s not our struggle. Everyone has problems. They may not be weighted the same on the outside, but to us, they’re pretty huge.”
Bas glanced up at the closed door. Dane noticed then that the lock had been turned so no one else would be coming in. He breathed a sigh of relief, grateful that Bas must have thought to lock it.
“I hear a lot of people talk about how coming to terms with their sexuality is hard,” Bas said. “I was never like that. I knew I was gay pretty much as far back as I remember. I’m still surprised my parents didn’t know. But I guess they had blinders on or something. By the time I was nine, I was wearing makeup and heels.”
“You look good in makeup,” Dane said absently. “But I like you without it too. It’s almost like armor for you. When I first met you, you were glammed up, and all I could think was ‘oh, yeah, he’s gay.’ A doll on display, like all the people I meet on tour. So perfect and untouchable. But today at the spa you were more open, approachable.”
“I tried hiding for a while after I got kicked out of my parents’ house. Tried to be like every other guy with no makeup, bad hair, and dumpy clothes. That’s what led to the Nate and Hank thing. I thought Nate would like me better if I was more like him. Not so flaming, I guess. It was stupid. After that, I vowed that no one would force me to hide again. I would just be who I am. No matter who hates me for it.”
“And the glam is you?” Dane asked.
“I like makeup. I admit I play it up a bit more than I would if I weren’t trying to make them all eat crow. If it’s just me and Adam and Ru, I’m usually more natural. But clothes and shoes, yeah I’m a total whore for them. And good food. Okay, well maybe I’m just a whore. One who doesn’t have much sex, but still, whatcha gonna do?”
“My mom used to call me that.”
“A whore?” Bas asked.
“Yeah. She’d bring home people who’d want me. Force me. I didn’t learn ’til later how to fight back. But that’s why I started working out so much. To hit harder, maybe escape.”
“That’s why you joined Vocal Growth? To get away from your family? Mine sure aren’t winning any prizes, but they never beat me or anything. Mom always forgot to buy groceries, so I had to work odd jobs to feed myself and my little brother.”
“I liked to sing and dance. My dad said that made me gay. Beat me for years, until he finally left for a pack of cigarettes and never came home.”
Bas let out a long sigh. “I hope you realize by now that singing and dancing does not make you gay. It just makes you talented.”
Dane laughed, a little startled at the idea of him being talented. “I was the blond guy who could hold a tune.”
“It’s a feat, you know!” Bas patted Dane’s knee. “Adam is enough to make your ears bleed. He sings along in the car sometimes, and it makes my eyes water, it’s so bad. I’m not Sinatra myself, never did the church choir or any of that. I was more a science and language guy than music and art. But for all the stuff that kid has going for him—looks, runs like he can fly, hot boyfriend—singing is not one of them. He’s a celebrity at school now, ’cause his writing has been published in big papers and because he’s dating Ru. Thankfully he’s kept his head through all of it. Someone asked him to join the school play, and we all laughed. He can’t act ’cause he can’t lie or pretend to be something he’s not. He either does normal Adam or invisible Adam, no in-between.”
