After I left Finn’s that morning, I took a cab home. I cried the entire way. Gloria drove me to Cliff’s and I got my car. I texted Emerson and told her that I couldn’t do the carpool anymore and to please let Finn know, since I’d blocked him from my phone. The drive to and from work that week was one of the worst in my life. I missed Kel and Emerson constantly arguing over every little thing. I missed turning around and seeing Ernesto’s smile. And most of all, I missed the man I thought I knew. The idea that they were all still together driving to work without me made my heart ache. But maybe I was better off alone, just like I thought.
The pain of Finn’s words conflicted with the pain in my heart for leaving him. Once I got home, I picked up the phone to call him at least twenty times. I reminded myself who I was and decided to embrace being a lizard. My spikes were the only thing that kept people away. Having friends and then losing them was worse than never having them at all.
I take the bus to the airport for my flight to Lake Tahoe for training. Even though I could drive myself, I don’t, not wanting to pay for parking.
The entire flight, I read and write in my notebook. I reread what I’d written about New Year’s Eve and all that happened. How I felt when we made love and how happy I was to be with him. What I felt when he called me a project and how scared I was to leave him. Then I write what I’m feeling now. Loss, pain, and heartache. How much I miss everyone, especially Finn, but how I had to follow my head this time. My gut was telling me he’d hurt me in the end and I couldn’t let that happen.
I arrive at Lake Tahoe right on schedule and take the hotel shuttle to the resort. I’ve never seen mountains like these before, or even snow for that matter, and the sight takes my breath away. For a moment, I consider texting Emerson to see if she made it in okay, but think better of it. I need to adjust to being on my own again. It really wasn’t that bad. Was it?
I check into my room and get my itinerary. There are several group sessions we are required to attend and then there are two seminars we can choose from. As I skim the selections, my heart stops. One of the electives is Finn’s. It’s called “How to Market Yourself and Our Company for Success.”
I knew I might see him here. It was probably the only reason I was excited about coming, whether I want to admit it or not. I do miss him. I miss his crooked smile and his laugh. I miss the positive spin he’d put on everything. How he made me feel wanted just by walking in a room. The way he would stare at me. I swallow hard and lean my head on my hands. What if I was wrong?
No. I have to remember what he said that day. Deep down inside, regardless of his lies, the truth is he wanted to change me. He didn’t like who I was and he wanted me to be different. He wanted to prove something to himself and his brother. I was nothing more than a scheme.
Tonight is a meet-and-greet dinner. Tomorrow, Saturday, is a day full of training and meetings followed by an informal dinner and closing. Then I fly home Sunday. Lifting a paper, I check my flight time home. I need to be at the airport by one p.m. for a three p.m. flight. I figure maybe I can sightsee a bit in the morning. After all, I’ve never been here, or really anywhere, before.
At six p.m., I cringe as I make my way downstairs for the meet and greet. If it were up to me, I might stay in my room and feel sorry for myself, but I can’t. This is work. If I’m going to be a manager, I need to break out of my comfort zone.
Standing off to the side of the main doors to the hall, I scan the room for a familiar face. I’m not sure if I’m hoping to see one, or hoping not to see one.
A big guy carrying a plate heaping with food catches my eye and I grin. It’s Kel. I follow him with my eyes. He takes a couple of cookies off a tray, glances around and stuffs them in his pocket. I stand on my tiptoes when he heads toward the back of the room. Unable to see where he went from where I’m standing, I enter the room cautiously.
Familiar short brown hair catches my eye and I grin from ear to ear. Sitting at the far back table is my carpool. Kel, Emerson, and even Ernesto. I didn’t realize just how much I missed them until now. I’m excited to say hello and I rush toward them enthusiastically. I wonder how they’re doing. I’m almost to them when I see their heads lift in unison and look right. I stop to see what caught their attention.
Finn sits down at their table. Emerson jumps up to hug him and Kel offers him his fist for a bump.
Finn looks good. He looks…happy. Is he happy? Has not being around my negative aura made him somehow feel better than he did before?
My shoulders slump and I spin on my heel, heading back to the door.
“Liz?” Finn’s voice cuts through the room like a knife.
I stand perfectly still, unable to move. Maybe there’s another Liz here.
Then I feel his hand on my arm. I don’t have to see him to know it’s him. He’s the only one who sets my skin on fire with a simple touch.
He leans in toward me to speak and I close my eyes. I’m frozen.
“Can I speak to you for a moment?” he asks.
Who does he think he is? He shouldn’t be touching me at all. The ice shoots through my heart once again. “I think you’ve said more than enough.”
He takes my arm and pushes me toward the exit. “What are you doing?” I ask under my breath through gritted teeth.
He doesn’t answer, but once we’re in the hall, he releases his hold on me.
“Was that necessary?” I ask angrily.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I didn’t want to cause a scene. Look, I know it’s awkward for the both of us to be here together so all I want to say is let’s just make the best of it. There’s no need for us to be cold or try to avoid each other. We work at the same company. We’re bound to run into each other from time to time.”
I slowly lift my eyes from the floor to his face as he speaks. He brushes his hand through his hair and my fingers tingle with the memory of touching him myself.
“Alright?” he asks when I stand silent.
I nod my head because words escape me. He’s so close, yet so far.
“I know the group misses you, so why don’t you join them. I can eat somewhere else.”
