He steps away from me and I reach for his arm. He stills at my touch.
“I can be a grown-up. Can you? We can still eat at the same table together, right?” I ask.
“Of course,” he replies with a fake smile. I know it’s fake because I’ve never seen it before. My body tenses. Did I change him for the worse?
He motions with his hand for me to walk first. He follows at a relatively distant pace behind me and I hate it. Any other time, his hand would be on the small of my back, leading me. I miss the security that feeling represented. Knowing he had my back helped me face my fears. Too bad none of it was real.
“Liz!” Emerson mumbles with a mouth full of food, rising from her seat to hug me.
Kel’s eyes flicker from Finn to me. He’s searching for something, but I don’t know what.
“Hey, Lizar… Liz,” he corrects himself.
“Hi, Kel.”
I wave to Ernesto and he waves back.
As I take a seat next to Emerson, I whisper, “Ernesto is management?”
She shakes her head. “I have no idea. He just showed up at the airport with us and got on the plane,” she laughs. “I don’t even know if he has a room.”
“Us?” I question.
“Yeah, we all took a flight together. Like old times, except we missed you.”
“I miss you guys too. Who got my seat in the carpool?” I whisper.
“No one,” she whispers back, leaning toward me. “We don’t carpool anymore. I know something happened between you and Finn, but he won’t talk about it. He called us New Year’s Day and told us he couldn’t do it anymore.”
Wrinkling my brow, I slowly gaze in Finn’s direction. He’s unusually quiet and focused on his meal.
“Get a plate,” Kel insists, motioning to the buffet.
I nod and push up from my seat. Finn stands out of respect and my heart breaks a little bit more.
“I’ll go with you. The beef is to die for.”
Emerson follows me to the table. I take a plate and stand there, immobile, as she begins refilling her own. Turning my head, I watch Finn as he plays with his food. He doesn’t look up and he doesn’t speak.
Emerson steps next to me and follows my line of vision. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but, I think you broke him,” she says.
“I did?” I gasp.
“He’s different. Something’s changed. He doesn’t have that fire in his eyes anymore.”
Setting my empty plate on the table next to the buffet, I rush from the room. I can feel the tears building and I don’t want anyone to see me like this.
Once I’m in the hall, I search left and right for the nearest exit. There’s a door leading outside to the right and I run for it. The air is much colder here than in L.A. and it feels good against my skin. It shocks me out of balling my eyes out.
Staring up at the mountains in the distance, I wrap my arms around myself. Did I break him?
“This isn’t California, Liz.” A warm jacket falls over my shoulders and I turn to see Finn standing next to me. “Come inside before you freeze.”
“Did I break you?” I blurt out.
“What?” he questions, confused.
I regret not thinking it through before speaking and feel I should explain. “You don’t seem like you. And I know it’s not just me because even Emerson said so and she wouldn’t say it if she didn’t mean it because that’s how she is. And I saw you eating and you weren’t talking or even looking at people and that’s not like you. At all. I shouldn’t have blocked you like a child but I was scared of talking to you and so I told Emerson I couldn’t do carpool but I figured you all were still doing it. Today Emerson told me you said you couldn’t anymore and on top of that she said you don’t have the fire in your eyes like you used to have, and it scares me because that fire was what made you, you, and I’m not even good enough to tie your shoes, much less be the reason you aren’t Finn anymore. Then she said I broke you and I freaked out because I never meant to hurt you. So did I? Did I break you?”
