“Yeah, I suppose I am scared. Terrified, really. I don’t want to lose Dean the way I lost you. He’s such a great guy. He makes me smile for the first time since... Well, since you. And you and I were different. We weren’t like Dean and me.” I stopped to gather myself together. “I miss you. I wish you were here and could knock some sense into me.”
I took a moment to look around the cemetery. What would life be like if Trish were still alive? It would be a lot more fun, that’s for sure. She always had a smile on her face, making me laugh, and making everyone else happy. When she told me she was pregnant, I knew she would be the best mother in the world. And she had been.
“You should see how amazing Cole is. You’d be so proud of him. I’m sure you’re watching him, though. Making sure he doesn’t get in trouble. I’m trying to make sure he doesn’t, but I’m sure he does things I don’t know about. And I don’t want to know about.” I chuckled at the thought. “Cole had his first kiss. With a boy.” I touched her headstone lightly. “Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing with him. That I’m messing up and ruining him. But then Cole tells me he loves me and that I’m the best father, and I guess I’m not doing so bad. I just want you to know that I love him, Trish. I love him so much. Sometimes it hurts with how much. Everything I do is for that kid. He’s fucking amazing.”
I sighed. “It’s the relationship thing that I’ve fucked up. I’ve never been good at dating. You took the reins with that one, thank God. But then I had to go and fall in love with Dean.”
Saying the words out loud felt good. It caused my heart to beat faster, my stomach to twist with happiness and a smile to spread over my face.
“He probably never wants to see my face again. I don’t know what to do, Trish. I’m terrified of losing him. Terrified that if I tell Dean how I feel and let him in completely, that something is going to happen. Not necessarily tomorrow or next week, but maybe in a year or two. If we get married and have a kid of our own. What if he gets hurt or worse? It was hell when I lost you.”
And a loss I never saw coming. The cancer diagnosis was a surprise. It was scary and terrifying, but I promised to fight with Trish because I loved her. We were a family. But she was never able to fight. It spread and took her before she even had a chance.
“I know you told me to find someone when I was ready. Someone who would accept me and Cole.” I lay back on the grass. “It’s taken me ten years, but I think Dean is that person. I don’t know why I keep messing it up so much.” I stared up at the blue sky and watched the white, puffy clouds as they floated by. “Falling in love isn’t supposed to be so scary. It’s supposed to be the best feeling.”
I thought about that last text Dean had sent me. And how badly I wanted to respond to him. I hadn’t wanted to hurt him. I was such a fraud. I wasn’t sure how long I stayed there at the cemetery, but the sun set, and I realized I had to head home. I needed to make a decision about the wedding. And if I went, what I was going to tell Dean when I saw him.
“Until next time, Trish.” I touched the headstone again before I left and promised myself I would come back soon.
“I’M SORRY, YOU WHAT?” Sam stared at me, her hands full of clothes. She was going to the wedding, too, as Maverick’s official hairdresser and as a guest. “You stopped talking to him.”
I nodded.
“After you told Dean you wouldn’t do that again?” Sam’s brows shot up. “You are...” She shoved the clothes she was holding into her suitcase. “Unbelievable.” She shook her head and turned to glare at me. “You’re an asshole. That’s what you are.”
I dropped my chin. “I know.”
“You know? Oh, that’s great. I’m so glad that you know you’re an asshole. Why are you men so stupid? Is it that dick between your legs?” Sam huffed angrily.
Was I supposed to answer that question? “I—”
“It’s a rhetorical question, Beau!” she snapped. “How are you going to fix this? Wait until Maverick finds out. He’s going to be so pissed.”
I grimaced. “I’m very aware of how upset Maverick is going to be.”
“And if you ruin his wedding... Oh boy. Everything has to be perfect. Mav deserves that. He’s had a shitty life, and he loves Jackson so much. Have you thought about not going?” Sam suggested. “That would fix the ruining the wedding thing.”
I nodded. “I have to do this in person. I’m surprised Dean hasn’t blocked me yet. I’m afraid if I text him or message him somewhere, that’s what will happen. I...” I swallowed nervously. “I love him, Sam. I love him, and I want see the look on his face when I say those words to him.”
“It’s your funeral.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
Sam sat down. “I just mean, if you fuck this up for Maverick, and not just the Dean thing, he’s going to hate you. He’s still got a lot of anger in him. He’s trying, he’s going to therapy, and the medication helps, but he wants everything to be perfect. Going back to his hometown is hard enough. There are a lot of ghosts he’s going to have to face there.”
“I’m going to have a word with the Frost parents,” I hissed and watched my sister’s eyes widen in surprise. “What?”
She shook her head. “Nothing, I just... You really do love Dean, don’t you? And you want to make him happy, which means making Maverick happy. He’s high-maintenance sometimes, but he means well. He cares and loves about his brother, but when it comes to Jackson? He’ll burn down the world if someone tried to keep them apart again.”
“I don’t want to keep them apart,” I assured her. “Jackson is my friend, too. I want them to be happy. Having Maverick back in his life has made him a better man.”
Sam patted the spot next to her. “What do you have planned for your big romantic gesture?”
“I was going to just walk in and tell Dean how I felt.” When she stared at me, I shrugged. “Is that not enough?”
Sam groaned. “You’ve ghosted him for the past few weeks. Again. Dean is probably wondering what he did to deserve that. You need to grovel. Get down on your knees and beg him to take you back. Honestly, he might say no. He might have someone else.”
“What? Who?” I hadn’t even thought of that. “Is it Jun?”
