“Oh, Aspen, that’s amazing!” Sage exclaims, hugging me tightly.
“It’s in New York,” I add, and she pulls back.
“Oh.” Her face falls as she catches up to what that means for us. “Well, I could go there, too,” she offers.
I take in a deep breath as I consider how to respond. Because I would love that. I would love to spend every daygoing to my dream job and every night with my best friend. But it would be like the past week has been. An illusion of my perfect life, everything I could ever want, without it being real.
Living with Sage, spending every moment together, the cuddles and the casual affection she so easily offers, it feels too much like a relationship. We’ve never really had boundaries with each other, and the blurred lines are slowly breaking me. I take in her hopeful expression, and I know it would be so easy to agree, to keep pretending.
But I can’t keep doing this. I want more, and I’m starting to resent Sage for not being able to give it to me.
That isn’t fair to her. She hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s completely my fault for not being honest with her about how I feel. But at this point, the truth feels impossible.
“You should stay in Atlanta,” I finally whisper, afraid to meet her gaze and unable to say it any louder.
“What? Why?” Her voice cracks. She sounds hurt, and I hate myself for being the cause of that pain. But we need a break. If I want to keep Sage in my life, if I want to remain her friend, I need to spend some time remembering who I am without her.
“You love your job there, don’t give that up just to spend a few hours with me,” I insist. “I’ll probably be designing during any of my free time. I’m sure the actual work hours will be grunt work anyway.”
I finally look right at her. Sage is staring at me like she doesn’t even recognize me. I know this is coming out ofnowhere for her, but I think I’ve needed a change for awhile. I’ve just been too weak to admit it until now. “If you’re sure?” Sage finally asks, clearly not loving the idea.
I’m just grateful that she isn’t pushing back more; I’m not sure how I would explain why I need space. “The time will fly by,” I assure her weakly. I hope I’m not lying.
With any luck, the time away from each other will be exactly what we need to go into our senior year stronger than ever. I’ll be able to actually move on from my infatuation.
It’ll be great.
10
SAGE
MARCH
Summer Before Senior Year
Atlanta without Aspen isn’t nearly as enjoyable.
I still like my internship at the lab. The genome project really is fascinating. But every hour I spend outside of work feels like a waste. Alone in my one-bedroom apartment downtown, attempting to explore the city, even spending time with my coworkers or Arthur—every moment feels overshadowed by how much I wish Aspen were with me.
I should have gone home for the summer instead of coming back to the city that reminds me so much of her and the amazing summers we’ve shared here the past couple of years.I should be in New York.Ugh. I try to ignore the thought I have hundreds of times a day.Aspen didn’t wantme in New York,I remind myself. I also try not to think about why she didn’t want me there, but it’s impossible.
Did I do something wrong?We were having the best time in Paris, and she seemed so happy that whole week. I had no idea that she had even taken Sarah’s mention of a potential internship seriously until she had already confirmed it was happening.Why didn’t she tell me?Things seemed normal enough between us the rest of the semester, so I don’t think I did anything to completely ruin our friendship, but I was too afraid to make things worse by asking her directly about it.
I’m probably reading into things.She didn’t say she didn’t want to spend the summer with me, she told me to continue working at the lab she knows I love. And she’s never enjoyed all the events her parents drag her to when she spends the summer here. I know the internship in New York is an amazing opportunity for her, and I’m so excited that she’s chasing her dreams.
I just wish our dreams were in the same place.
God, why am I being so dramatic?I’m annoying myself with how melancholy I’ve been all summer. Arthur isn’t constantly complaining about being apart from her, and they’ve been close for practically their entire lives.I’m still convinced that they’ll end up together eventually, despite them both denying interest.
I take a deep breath and straighten to my full height. I’m trying to work off my anxious energy, cleaning and preppingmy meals for the week. I need to get a grip, perk up, and be my usual optimistic self. It’s only a few months, and then we’ll be roommates again and everything will go back to normal. I’m probably so in my head right now because I’ve been at home all day. I’m not used to spending so much time completely alone, and I haven’t even talked to Aspen yet today, so I’m off-kilter.
I pull out my phone and find our text thread, staring at the picture she sent super late last night, hours after I had gone to bed. It’s a selfie of her and Anna, one of the other students working at the magazine this summer, out at a club. They’re both flashing huge smiles, a little disheveled from what was likely a long night of dancing.
A bunch of the interns are sharing an apartment that sounds far too tiny for how many of them there are, but Aspen assures me it’s all a part of the authentic New York experience. Anna is the one she’s closest with, it seems like they’re always together, and I can’t help but feel a stab of jealousy in my gut as I focus on the way Anna is smiling at Aspen in the picture.Has she replaced me?
Oh my God, she’s allowed to have other friends!I remind myself. I liked the photo when I woke up this morning and responded with “Looks like a fun night!” but it’s almost two p.m. now, so I’m assuming she’s awake as I text again.
Sage
