“Oh no, it’s okay! I like talking about Mum,” I reply, even with a growing lump in my throat.
“Did she support you when you came out?”
“Yeah! I mean, she had to try and wrap her head around it. Surprise Mum, no grandkids!” I laugh as I do jazz hands. Teddy gives me a small laugh in reply. “It didn’t take her long. The way I came out wasn’t exactly how I would have liked, but I’m glad I did,” I explained. Teddy studies me for a minute, probably thinking about his next question. He decides to proceed, but sips on his drink first.
“So, how did you come out? Why do you wish it went differently?” He asks. I freeze. Another tricky question I don’t know how to answer.
“Well… I sort of dumped a lot of other things on her at the same time. I had a bit of a mental breakdown. I had my friend Kai with me, though. He was really supportive too.”
“Kai sounds awesome, it would be nice to meet him,’ He says, smiling at me. He fixes his hair again and looks out at the sea. The mixture of sounds from the bar and the waves feels like home.
“I’m actually living with him, I know he’ll like you as much as I do. I think you two would get along well.”
“Yeah, next time we have a night with the gang, we should invite him along,” he says, finishing his drink.
Teddy opens his phone to order another round. By this point, the bar is packed. The music is louder, and I have to shout for Teddy to hear me.
“Are you wanting just the same?” Teddy asks, looking up from his phone.
“Just a Diet Coke, please,” I ask. I can feel myself getting drunk, and I can’t let it happen. I need to stay in control.
Stay in control.
Stay in control.
Stay in control.
“But you’ve only—” Teddy starts, but changes his mind. “I’ll order that for you, this round’s on me,” he adds, inserting a slight smile to put me at ease.
A tall man bumps into the back of me. He apologises, but for a moment, my mind believes it to be Jonathan. Something as simple as the shirt he’s wearing makes me think back to the party.
That’s silly, though. Jonathan isn’t here. Jonathan isn’t here, and I’m safe. Right?
I’m safe.
I’m safe.
I’m safe.
I choke out, “It’s fine.” The man moves back to his friends. They’re loud, everything is deafening, and I can’t hear myself think. I can’t even hear Teddy. The sounds ring in my ears as my body begins to freeze. I sit there and start to shake as my breath escapes me. I can’t breathe. Fuck, just breathe! Come on!
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
Fuck, I can’t fucking breathe.
My vision blurs as the sights and sounds overwhelm me. I’ve lost all control. I need control. I want to run, but my legs won’t work.
“Hey hey hey,” Teddy says quickly. “Focus on me,” he says, guiding my chin to face him. I want to feel control again. I need to run. I need to breathe. I need?—
“Focus on my voice,” he says as he takes his hand and inserts it into mine.
