“Me too, if I didn’t come home, I would never have met you,” I reply, the sides of my mouth rising up. I can’t help it!
If I had died that night on the roof…
We order drinks, and the party gets louder and louder. There’s a DJ inside, and I feel like we should have picked a quieter bar where we could just chat. I order a Cornish Cider, and Teddy orders a pint of beer I don’t know the name of.
“So when exactly did you open the bookshop?” I asked, stirring my drink with a paper straw. I’m trying to look cool, but it probably just looks stupid, so I put the straw down and drink. The ice-cold liquid pours down my throat. Oh, how I’ve missed Cornish Cider.
“Last October.”
Jonathan hurt me last October.
Jonathan isn’t here, though, I’m safe.
I’m safe.
I’m safe.
I’m safe.
I physically tense up, and Teddy looks at me with worry in his eyes. God I hate that people can read me like a fucking book. I’d kill to have my emotions hidden away. My face gives it away. The way it tenses when someone says something that reminds me ofhim. I wish I could get him out of my head. He isn’t even here, and he makes my life a living hell.
I wish it didn’t happen.
But it did. I have to live with it. I could have something special with Teddy, and I don’t want to ruin it. I can’t ruin it. It’s the only thing I have going for me right now.
“Noah? You okay there?” Teddy asks, knocking me out of my trance.
“Yeah, sorry, sometimes I just get stuck in my head, sorry.”
“It’s okay, sometimes I do that too. Anything you want to talk about right now?”
I want to tell him. I want to trust him, but I can’t. It’s not fair to put this on him right now. And besides, he’ll probably run away if I show him how messed up I am.
“Not right now, no. Sorry.”
“Don’t say sorry, you don’t have to apologise.”
“Yeah, you’re right, sorry. Shit. Sorry. Ah fuck!” I shout as Teddy laughs at me. I put my head in my hands and sigh.
“That’s harder than I thought,” I say as the music gets louder.
We finish our round and order more drinks. It hits ten o’clock, and things begin to get rowdy. There are people dancing and singing, the sun long gone. Meanwhile, a chill air creeps around us.
“So what’s your family like?” I ask as Teddy downs his drink.
“I um, I don’t exactly get on with them. I haven’t spoken to them in a little while,” he explains, his voice cold like the night air.
“Oh, sorry, should I not have asked?”
“No no, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I don’t hide it from people. It is what it is,” he explains, taking a sip of his drink. His hands are shaking. He places the glass down and begins fixing his hair.
“What about your family? Are they cool?” He asks, looking at me now. I take a sip of my drink.
“Well, my father passed away when I was a baby. I don’t really remember him, to be honest. Mum never said how he passed. And I’ve already told you about my Mum. It was always just us two.”
I remember her coming home from the bar she worked at with blisters on her feet and calluses on her fingers. She never complained to me. Not once. She told me she does it all for me. Any mother would for her children. I don’t imagine Teddy would agree with her.
“We don’t have to talk about her if you don’t want to.”
