“Let’s get out of here. Somewhere quiet.”
I nod and he guides me away from the pub, hand in hand. We sit in the sand, and he helps me breathe. I try to synchronise my breathing with the movement of a wave.
In. Out. In. Out.
Teddy guides me, and I feel like we’re in our own little world. Control starts to come back to me as air fills my lungs. My hand still trembles, but not as much as before. An overwhelming feeling of exhaustion takes root in my body as Teddy holds my hand again.
“That better?” He asks. His ocean eyes haven’t left mine since we sat down, and to be honest, I’m not sure what would have happened if he wasn’t there.
“Yeah,” I croak out, my mouth is dry. His hand feels at home in mine. I never want to let go.
“Let’s go somewhere quieter,” I say, and we start trekking up to Sunset Cliffss.
Teddy doesn’t say much on the walk. He squeezes my hand every so often, which melts my heart.
“Do you have a lot of panic attacks?” Teddy asks as we reach Mum’s bench. I didn’t realise this was where I was headed, but it feels right. We sit down and watch the moonlit waves below.
“To be honest, yeah. I’ve had them for a while,” I tell him, my heart threatening to beat out of my chest. I hate telling people this. People begin to think you’re pathetic, and they run away. People can’t be bothered putting up with the inconvenience. But that inconvenience can be someone’s everyday.
“When did they start?”
“Around fifteen,” I say, fixing my hair as the wind messed it up. “I had something happen to me at university, and they got worse. Ever since then my life has been tainted with them,” I add. I study Teddy’s face, and all I see is worry. His eyes are focused on me, while his lips are in a line.
“Did you ever go to the Doctor’s for them?”
“I did but… the medication made me feel like shit,”
“That’s awful,” He says, his eyebrows high and voice low, almost like a whisper.
“So...you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but… what happened to you?”
I think about telling him, I really do. I just don’t want to talk to him about it yet. I’ve told people before, and they leave me or become awkward. I don’t want to ruin what I have right now. I know deep down I’ll end up telling him at some point, but for now, I stay quiet about it.
“Is it okay if I don’t talk about it right now?”
“Yeah, of course. Only tell me if you feel comfortable enough, okay?” He says, placing his hand in mine and squeezing slightly. I squeeze his hand back.
“Okay,” I say, a soft smile appearing on my face. He has dealt with this so well. Most would cower and run away as soon as amental illness thinghappens. People say they’re supportive, until they actually need to support someone.
I don’t feel nervous around him. I feel safe. I want this to work. I’ll try my hardest to make that happen.
Teddy walks me home.We’re hand in hand, and I can’t help but smile. Are things finally getting better for me? Is this what happiness is? Teddy is smiling too. We’re just two boys smiling in a world that tells you smiling is a fairy tale. They tell you to work, eat, sleep and repeat. There’s never any room to smile in this world, and that makes me sad.
We arrive at Kai’s flat and we turn to face each other. We smile as we look into each other’s eyes.
“I had a really nice time tonight,” Teddy says, squeezing my hand.
“Me too,” I say quietly, my smile getting brighter.
Suddenly, he comes in for a kiss. My mind goes blank.
What if I break his heart? What if he breaks mine? I don’t know what his secrets are, but we all keep things caged in our chests.
All of us
Then he looks into my eyes, and I look into his. His soft eyes make me want to kiss him, but I know I can’t. Bloody angel wings and my bare flesh flash in my mind.
I can’t get hurt again.
