I needed to be alone, but I didn’t mean alone with him.
Jonathan turned the LED Lights on and set them to random and low. Then a star projector was turned on. I fell back on his bed, my breathing heavy. Jonathan stood tall in front of the bed. I couldn’t make out his face anymore. He took his shirt off, then grinned at me. I started to shake profusely.
My body knew what was about to happen before I did.
His hands took my shirt off completely. I tried to stop him by grabbing his hands, but it was more like a pathetic attempt to raise my hand. Then he undid my belt. I squirmed and rolled under his hands, but that didn’t stop him.
“Jonathan…no, I?—”
“It’s okay,” he growled. I tried to get words out, but the sticky honey alcohol caught them before they escaped. He took off my jeans. I covered my eyes with my arms. I didn’t want this. Whimpers escape my throat as I tried so fucking desperately to say more.
“No… I.”
“Look at you,” he whispered as he stood back, admiring my body. I was only wearing my boxers and socks. My body was red, green, blue, purple as the lights changed. I felt so small. The monster before me was tall and faceless. It was too dark in the room. I couldn’t make out the details. This was the time to run, but I couldn’t fucking move. I cried tears of frustration as his fingers began to caress my skin. He wiped the tears off my face. He looked into my glassy eyes and said, “You’reminetonight.”
It was then I started to fight back harder. I knew what was about to happen. I was shaking profusely. I tried to push him off, but he was much stronger than me. I tried to punch his chest with all my might, but the alcohol took away all my strength. He pinned me down by the wrists as he kissed me. His breath stank. He tried to play with my tongue but I fought it. I didn’t kiss back. I couldn’t lift my head, I turned my head instead and he just grinned. He looked down at my boxers and slid his hand down past the waistband. I tried to kick him, bite him, scratch him but the alcohol told me tostay the fuck down.
Even with my screaming, he didn’t stop. No one else stopped him either. I begged god for someone to come in and stop him.
But no one did.
Golden hour light streams through the book shop as customers begin to filter out. Closing time is my favourite part of the shift. The shop is quiet as atmospheric sounds of summer play like a golden record. Tourists are heading off to the pub while the locals close up their businesses to go for a surf.
Music plays softly in the background. We all share the same music taste and love all the same bands. Teddy starts humming along, causing warmth to fill my chest as I watch him. I walk over to him now that I’ve finished reordering a shelf of YA Novels.
“Hey, I finished that shelf. Anything else you need me to do?”
“As much as I can’t be bothered, we should probably brush the floors,” he yawns. We each grab a brush and begin sweeping rubbish and other things into big piles that we then scoop up and put in the bin. Elijah wipes his brow as he sets the brush down. He was running around all day, helping customers with their book choices. It’s nice to watch young trans kids come in and see someone they can relate to. He gives the best recommendations to them, like books that can help them understand themselves better. Books are how I started to understand my sexuality better, and how to not feel so alone. I’m happy that we can provide that to the kids who come after us.
“Hey, so I don’t know if I’m out of place here…” Teddy begins.
“Oh no, that sounds scary,” I chuckle nervously. I stop sweeping and turn to face him, leaning on the brush as I clear my throat.
“I just can’t get it out of my head, so I need to ask. I remember at the train station, you looked… upset. Is everything okay?” For the first time this week, Teddy looks nervous to talk to me.
“Yeah, it’s just… weird being back here,” I tell him. I start straightening up some books so that I’m doing something with my hands.
“How come?”
“It’s just… different. I’m just trying to get back on my feet,” I tell him. He leans against the bookshelf. I copy him but cross my arms.
“Why did you decide to move back here?” Teddy asks, his eyes set on my face.
“Very long story.”
“Well, we have all the time in the world, don’t we?”
“The last time someone said that to me, they died an hour later, so let’s not go there,” I say with less of a humorous tone than I would have liked. What is wrong with me?
“Sorry, that was?—”
“Fair,” he interrupts. He studies me for a moment, his brain working out what to say next.
“Who did you lose?”
I sigh, then begin telling the story.
“My mum,” I say, my eyes looking away from him. My hands found themselves in my pockets as I told the story of that dreadful day in front of the jewellery store.
