“Yeah, I think so.” Grace pulled her legs up, wrapping her arms around her shins as she watched me. “It makes me feel less alone in this.”
I stopped, swaying side to side while I patted Mia’s bottom, which usually knocked her out. “Is there any reason you didn’t tell me how you were feeling before?”
“Honestly?” Grace rested her chin on a knee. “I felt like I should know how to be a mom instinctively. I guess it surprised me that not everything with parenting came naturally. I did love her immediately, which I know for some women—especially when dealing with postpartum—isn’t always true. And part of me felt like I should just appreciate our healthy baby and deal with everything.”
Damn, there’s a lot of pressure on women. Men too, but this was another level. “I’m sorry you were going through this on your own.”
“Thanks, but I should have said something. That’s on me.”
I turned my back to Grace. “Is she out?”
“She is.”
I looked back over my shoulder. “We didn’t give her any meds. Want me to wake her?”
Grace shook her head. “Nah. Maybe she doesn’t need it. We can if she’s struggling tonight.”
I noted the confidence she had now with her decisions. Maybe she wasn’t where she wanted to be, but she was getting there day by day. “Mom said she’s on duty tonight. I’ll go put Mia in the crib and let Mom know Tylenol is an option if she gets fussy again.”
“Sounds good. I’ll wait up for you.” Grace gave me a look that was shy and filled with a longing that I was familiar with at the same time.
My body heated at that comment, but I worked to play it cool because I wanted Grace to take the lead, which meant not putting any pressure or expectations on her. Instead, my tongue skimmed my lip as I looked her way and whispered, “I’d like that” before hustling to Mia’s room and praying for a smooth transfer with her staying zonked out. Surely that wouldn’t be too much to ask for.
Chapter9
Candlelight Confessions
Grace
I turned off the overhead lights in our bedroom while I debated candles, table lamps, or complete darkness. Did I leave my current playlist on or go for silence? Would Aidan consider Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit good music for our first time reconnecting? Were we having sex? Was this all too much? Not enough?
Good Lord, it had been ages since we’d had sex, but I wasn’t a virgin here, though you wouldn’t know that from the way my heart was racing.
This was insanity.Calm all the way down, Grace. Small steps. I had this. I did.
Let’s see… I like candles.I lit the one on my side table and decided to turn off the table lamps. Low lighting seemed to be the way to go here. The light from the flames flickered on the ceiling, and the cinnamon-spiced-vanilla scent gave me a sense of calm. I was fine. This was fine.
I mean, a large part of me wanted to grab my phone and text Maggie. Was the first time after having a baby painful? I’d had a C-section, so not quite the same there, though that recovery had been anything but pain free.
Good Lord, thinking of my recovery reminded me of the time at the hospital when Aidan had accidentally said something that made me laugh and I thought I might pass out from the sharp pain that had ripped through my abdominals. A small pillow had become my best friend, putting pressure on my belly anytime I moved, laughed on accident, et cetera.
But now my doctor had cleared me for intercoursewhenever I felt ready. And I did, kind of, but part of me also felt like I’d never be ready.
What if I leaked?
What if I didn’t get aroused?
What if my body turned Aidan off?
What if I couldn’t orgasm?
I stood, paralyzed by indecision, next to my side table. Should I put on lingerie? Did any of it even fit anymore? Was this even what Aidan wanted tonight? What if he was tired and just wanted his mom to watch the baby so we could rest? Had I read him wrong?
Before I could continue my spiral, the door opened and Aidan slid in, locking it behind him before turning to face me. And there I was, still as a statue, stuck standing by our bed.
“Grace?” His face was creased with worry as he crossed quickly to my side. “What is it?” He pulled me against him, and I relaxed into his embrace. Surely he could feel my heart thumping through my thin tank, but the softness of his flannel and his familiar scent gave me comfort.
“I’m afraid.” It took all that I had in me to whisper those words and not break eye contact, but it was worth it because Aidan’s face softened as he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my forehead.
