Grace shrugged as she looked down to Mia, smoothing a finger across her cheek. “I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like blaring music in the kitchen that isn’t kids’ music might not be good for her.” She looked up to him. “Maybe she needs to listen to stuff that’s educational or made for kids her age?”
“Gracie,” I murmured, crossing the room and catching the lavender scent coming from the diffuser. “All music has value. You can play what you love for Mia. She’ll associate that with you.”
I considered what she’d said, then thought about her reaction to Mia losing weight when she was first born and the jaundice issue. I thought about what my mom said about Grace not being in pictures—which, frankly, was also on me. We had so much to unpack here, and that didn’t even touch the lack of sex or the current daycare crisis we had going on. But I guess I needed to start somewhere. And I had an inkling that dealing with one of the issues Grace was facing would lead to unraveling the others.
“Babe, do you feel like you’re a good mom?”
Grace’s eyes welling up as she looked at me almost broke my heart. I quickly climbed onto our bed to sit hip to hip, wrapping an arm across her shoulders.
She leaned her head against me, and I almost missed her quiet response. “Sometimes.”
“When?”
She ran her hand over Mia’s fuzzy little head. Her hair was dark, taking after me, but she certainly didn’t have a ton yet. “Times like now.”
“So nursing.” I glanced at Mia. “She seems to be feeling more like herself.”
“For now.” Her head bobbed against my chest. “I was so scared when she lost weight when she was born. I know it wasn’t a tremendous amount, but when you only weigh seven pounds, every ounce counts.”
I made a noise of agreement to keep her talking.
“I got so focused on figuring nursing out. I figured that was something I could do;Icould give her the tools to stay healthy and nourished.”
I pressed a kiss to the top of her head, then smoothed down Mia’s foot, which she was poking in my direction as she nursed. My little Rockette doing leg kicks in her footed sleeper that had gingerbread men all over. Adorable, of course.
“I get it, Grace. Parenting is hard, and it is comforting to grab on to what you can actually fix.”
She gave a short laugh. “Parenting isn’t hard for you.”
I froze, thinking about what that might mean to her. Pulling back, I gazed at Grace, who was now looking away from me to focus on Mia. I gently moved her chin to meet my eyes. “Grace, this isn’t easy for me.”
Her eyes welled up. “But you’re so good at it.”
I gave her a small smile. “I’m glad you think so. I did help Mom with Declan sometimes, even when I was little, but I’m flying blind here too.”
Her cheeks grew rosy, but she kept locked on my gaze, though her voice was so quiet I had to duck down to hear her. Grace was typically confident and assertive. I should have noticed the change in her behavior in the past weeks. But then again, she typically felt like she was in complete control in all situations. I could see how she’d been thrown for a loop here; I was just pissed I’d missed it.
“Sometimes I’m jealous of you.”
“Why?”
She appeared uncertain but kept going. “I’m not sure. Like the other day when you took Mia to the Homestead after stopping by the library. You weren’t nervous at all. When I took her out by myself when I was on maternity leave, I always worried she might start getting fussy when we were out or something.”
I reached over and squeezed her knee. “Thanks for telling me, Gracie.” I paused, wanting to make sure she knew I heard her. “When I take Mia out, I feel like if she gets fussy, people should expect that because she’s a baby. Do you think people are judging you if she’s loud when you’re out?” I waited a beat, considering what I’d said, before adding, “It’s absolutely okay if you do feel that way or if you don’t. Just curious.”
“Um, I think so?” She bit her bottom lip.
I thought about that. “Do you think that’s part of the unfair pressure we, as a society, put on moms?”
I thought that would get her fired up, and boy was I right. It was like going back in time to undergrad when she would get on a roll talking about how women were being treated unfairly in terms of pay, access to healthcare, et cetera. Grace often told me that she felt like she came alive in college, that she was inspired to see the world for what it was. Hell, one of the reasons she got a master’s in library science was that she saw the public library as a great equalizer in our society. It was nice to see her fire come back, even if it was a dull roar.
Grace sat up, nodding to herself as she did a quick switch of sides with a burp for Mia in between. “Oh my gosh—you’re right.” She groaned. “What is wrong with me? I mean, why am I falling for this BS in our society that a mom has to be superwoman and a guy is amazing if he just spends time with his kid every once in a while?” She rested her head on the bed, looking to the ceiling for answers.
Glancing at Mia, I saw that she was losing interest in nursing, which wasn’t unusual, teething or not. She had less stamina on the second side, always. “Want me to take her?”
“Hmm?” Grace looked at me, then Mia. “Oh yeah, looks like she’s topped off for now.” She passed her over as she adjusted her top. “Thanks for talking to me about this.”
“Does it help?” I slid off the bed with Mia in my arms as she cooed, then did a lap, rubbing her back. She let out a good one and tucked her little head into my neck as I kept walking around the room.
