“Wanna sit?” I asked, feeling hopeful and extremely vulnerable. I was like a damn puppy when it came to Jameson, and he was the old grumpy dog. I think all I ever wanted was his approval. For him to like me. It was kinda pathetic, and I realized that.
He grunted and moved around to sit on the chair next to me.
I went silent for a moment as the three of us awkwardly stared at the fire pit.
“I’ve never been attracted to anyone,” I blurted out, my eyes locked hard on the dancing flames of the fire like it was the most exciting thing I’d ever seen in my life. “At first, I thought it was just because I didn’t want to be…” Fuck. Talking about this was going to require a lot more opening up. “My father is the—”
“I know,” Jameson said, then pointed to Remy. “Guessing he does too, since he looks slightly uncomfortable.”
“Not uncomfortable,” Remy argued with a furrowed brow. “I just know this is a big moment and I don’t want to fuck it up. He needs me and I’ve been waiting for a moment like this for a while.”
I blinked at Remy for a minute. Then a laugh bubbled up out of my throat, and I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to. Once it died down, I still held a wide smile on my face.
“I didn’t expect that,” I said honestly.
Remy shrugged, but there was a slight smile on his face.
“Okay, so no in-depth backstory needed?” I clarified.
Jameson shook his head and I felt this huge relief in both of them knowing my past. Which I didn’t think I would have. Before this, I certainly wouldn’t have.
“After my girlfriend… well, I shoved everything down. I swore I wasn’t going to ever let someone into my life again because I felt responsible for what happened to her. I didn’t think I deserved to have the love of another person.” I swallowed thickly before remembering I had a beer in my hand. The glass was cold against my lips, keeping me in the moment as I took a swallow. “But I think I’ve recently figured out that I… uh, not real sure how to say this. I don’t even think it makes sense to me. And I don’t know if you guys can help me or if you’ll just think I’m crazy—”
“Austin,” Jameson nearly barked. “Just spit it out.”
My brow furrowed.
“I don’t think I’ve ever really felt attraction before,” I said, then huffed like an aggravated teen. But it did feel good to say out loud. It would probably feel a lot better if one of them would say something.
“Before? Are you saying you feel it now?” Remy asked.
“Well, yeah. I feel things toward Ford.” I looked at Jameson, my lips spreading into a cocky grin. It was like I couldn’t stop myself. “I get that bodyguard thing now. Fuckin’ hot, right?”
He scowled at me. Yeah, he saw right through that shit. But I was me, and he was him, and we wouldn’t be us if I didn’t try to get under his skin a little while he pretended to be aggravated by it.
Even if it left me feeling a little guilty when what I said sunk in. Nick had been in real danger when Jameson and I had beenput on watch duty for the movie star. And now Ford’s life was in real danger. So, yeah, I suddenly got it in a way I hadn’t before.
Fuck, I’d almost lost Ford last night. Had it really been only twenty-four hours since they had come to my home and attacked us? Shit. The last two weeks had felt like the longest couple of weeks in the history of my life, and that was saying something.
The thought that he could have been killed made me want to throw up.
“Sorry,” I mumbled to Jameson. I made light of things because that was the way I dealt with and avoided deep feelings, but now, it was hard to ignore the sour taste in the back of my throat over doing it.
Maybe it was time for a new era. Time to change this… slightly toxic relationship Jameson and I had.
“Anyway, so I never really thought about all this stuff before, ya know?” I went on. “I had a girlfriend and when we were together in an intimate sense, it was okay. I didn’t hate it, so I figured that was how it was supposed to be. I loved her… but now I realize it was more of a tame kind of love. I feel like an asshole saying this… but I don’t think I was ever in love with her.”
I took a minute to reflect on this. To silently send words up to the Heavens to her saying how sorry I was. Sorry that I couldn’t love her the way she deserved to be loved. Sorry she never got the chance to find someone who would love her the right way. Sorry that I hadn’t been able to save her from what she’d had to go through.
Wetness collected in my eyes, spilling out and running down my face. I lifted my hand to wipe the wet tracks away from my cheeks, but I wasn’t ashamed of the tears I was shedding or the fact that Jameson and Remy were witnessing it. I finally realized that I deserved to cry. I deserved to feel things andshould let myself release all this shit I’d been holding in for so fucking long.
Remy’s hand fell heavy on my shoulder and he gave me a good squeeze.
I swallowed hard and nodded as I worked on putting myself back together.
“Listen,” I said after clearing my throat. “I just never thought of it before. Then I didn’t want to think about it.” I huffed out a breath. “Now I’m just confused. What does this mean? Did Reed see something in me that I couldn’t even see?”
Jameson snorted, and when I looked over at Remy, he had an odd smile on his face.
